The Therapeutic Picnic – In Which There is Insanity, Canon Characters, Non-Canon Characters, TORCERs, and Sundry Bits of Oddness

by Sep 20, 2005Stories

I do not own anything other than my poor little original characters, whom I torment ceaselessly. And no, this story is not supposed to make much sense.


It was a lovely day in Valinor, and some of our favorite Silmarillion characters were on a picnic. Of course, there were also some non-canon characters, simply because the author of this story felt like inserting them.

Maglor was sitting a little ways away from the rest of the party, trying to get his harp in tune. Linedhel was humming merrily as he arranged the potluck-style spread. His sister and Taurion helped. Finrod and Amarie had disappeared. Feanor glowered. Eol brooded. Even farther away than Maglor, Daeron was sorrowfully singing the Lay of Leithien. Maedhros tried to make the best of the situation.


Maglor and Daeron winced; Finrod and Amarie suddenly re-appeared; Linedhel, Indil, and Taurion blinked in abrupt recognition – though perhaps there was a bit of dread involved, as well; Maedhros looked puzzled. Feanor and Eol continued their activities, only now Eol glowered and Feanor brooded.

The individual who had so cheerily greeted the group was a young, female mortal, with an extremely large, bright green clipboard. She smiled with much exuberance at the assembled Elves.

Behind her was a tall figure robed in grey. “Greetings,” said Nienna.

“Er – my lady,” Linedhel said. “Why are you – and a mortal – well, this mortal in particular – honoring us with your presence?”

“You remember me?” the girl cried. “Joy!”

The girl was, of course, Lanthiriel, who often gets mixed up in her cousin’s various efforts at fanfiction.

“Ah.” Indil stood up. “That – er – incident was rather memorable. Random people appearing out of nowhere, you know.”*

Taurion agreed.

Everyone else looked puzzled.

“Well you see,” Lanthiriel said, “my cousin has inflicted all sorts of angst on all of you. Though some” – she looked pointedly at Eol and Feanor – “really do deserve it.”

“I agree,” another voice said, and JudyA abruptly appeared. “Rana mentioned that we could have a nice time chewing them out.”

Feanor and Eol continued to continue their respective activities.

“But everyone else” – another reader/reviewer materialized- “has been shamelessly abused. I’m Dilly, by the way.”

“Hel-LO, Dilly!” Lanthiriel said. Everyone else backed away just a little.

There was a small swoosh, and several more tolkienonliners appeared. They, Indil and Taurion were all having a disconcerting sense of déjà vu.

“hi, i’m este,” said LEGOLAS_ESTELSTAR.

“How does she do that?” Finrod asked, looking intrigued.

“I have not the faintest idea,” Maglor said, putting down his harp. “My lady?” he continued, turning to Nienna.

The grey-clad Valier merely smiled.

“i guess it’s just cause that’s how we type,” Tethcelebel put in.

There was another swoosh, this one partly purple, and a tall teenaged girl with extremely long brown hair appeared, accompanied by a young man who inexplicably seemed to be an anime character. She smiled – in a faintly frightening fashion – at the general assembly. “Greetings, O tolkienonliners and residents of Arda. I’m Lii-chan. And this is my fictional beloved, Yuki Sohma of Fruits Basket.”

“Good afternoon,” said Yuki mildly.

“AHEM,” Lanthiriel said loudly. “If I recall correctly, this is supposed to be a THERAPEUTIC PICNIC. So let’s have a POSITIVE sing-along.”

“Ooooh!” exclaimed Lii-chan. “You do RANDOM CAPITALIZATION too?”

“Yes. But let’s GET to the POINT.”

The characters then quite remarkably found themselves in a gymnasium decorated with much tulle, faux foliage, and many small twinkly lights. It was also equipped with a bandstand and several microphones.

A voice echoed from the ceiling. “You’re never fully dressed without a smile!”

This statement was followed by a long burst of hollow, maniacal laughter.

“Good point,” said Lalaith, who had appeared in the gym along with everyone else.

The Elves looked a tad disturbed. The canon ones in particular, since original characters are never quite as thoroughly Middle-earth-ish as their authors would like to believe, and thus can handle other-world-ish events much better.

The author is not sure of that statement is comprehensible, but it will remain anyway.

Feanor was growing seriously put out. And as he was an extremely powerful Noldo – even if he had learned to tone things down just a tad after being in the Halls of Mandos for several millennia – that was not a particularly good thing.
“Have fun,” the untraceable and somewhat deranged voice continued, and everyone found themselves wearing what appeared to be very ragged dresses, complete with aprons.

The two minstrels looked mildly bemused, but did not let this change in attire keep them from continuing to stare off into the distance seeking inspiration. Indil shrugged. Feanor took a very, very deep breath. I am not going to have a fit in front of a Vala…I am not going to have a fit in front of a Vala…I am not going to have a fit in front of a Vala…THIS IS FATHOMS BENEATH MY DIGNITY! FATHOMS!

A spotlight suddenly appeared, focused on the stage.

“Oooh!” Lanthiriel said. “We get to act out the HIGHLIGHT of “Annie”, people!”

There was a general chorus of “What?”

Feanor, his glower now enough to boil water at ten paces, objected. He did this in a nasty, telepathic way that made the author, typing insanely, suddenly cry “Ouch!” very loudly.

“All right, all right,” the disembodied voice said (to return to the stage). “It seems that some of you are not going to be nice and cooperate. Hmph. Go have lunch.”

“Yay! Food!” said an unnamed tolkienonliner.


The party had somehow, oddly, ended up back at their original picnic site. They were now finishing up a lunch made up of a very odd combination of 21st century convenience food and normal Middle Earth fare – whatever that was.
Gwindor and Finduilas had meandered in together, and were sitting conversing with the other blissfully happy, canonically somewhat tragic couple Finrod and Amarie. Just looking over at the four of them caused the tolkienonliners to spontaneously say “Aww!”

“Aww!” said Estelstar. “It’s so nice to see those poor characters looking happy for once.”

“I agree,” said Tethcelebel.

“Mmm-hmm,” put in Lii-chan, happily finishing off her sandwich. “They’re all so cute together.”

“Speaking of which,” Dilly said vaguely, “Where’d your Yuki person go?”

“Oh, he’s left,” Lii-chan answered. “I’ve become interested in real people all of a sudden.”

“Ah.” Dilly looked politely bemused.

“We’re not exactly REAL,” Lanthiriel pointed out. “We’re in an odd story in cyberspace, for heaven’s sake.”

“CYBERSPACE!” cried Lii-chan, and lapsed into a fit of hysterical chortling. The others looked slightly unnerved – but only slightly.

“Are you all right?” JudyA asked, when Lii-chan had calmed down.

“Quite, thanks!” she chirbled.

“Chirbled isn’t a word,” commented an alert reader.

“Be quiet!” said the author, most ungratefully.

Lalaith, meanwhile, was having a conversation with Indil regarding Elven housing.

“It really depends, you see,” she said. “We take whatever materials are available. If we’re in a forest, we live in trees; if we live near clay and sand, we might make what you would call cob.”


“It’s the author’s pet project, so she thought she’d drag it in somehow. It’s a natural building technique.”

The lurkers – Feanor and Eol – were still, predictably, lurking, some distance away from the merry party. The minstrels, also predictably, has wandered off – Maglor to the edge of the lake, and Daeron to find some pond under the trees that would qualify as `dark waters,’ so he could lament properly. Nienna had disappeared.

Linedhel, meanwhile, had walked over to where most of the tolkienonliners were sitting, and was once again grilling them upon the subject of fanfiction. He hadn’t gotten much of an explanation last time. Taurion joined him, to inquire about those very odd side stories that used to keep popping up.

“I think that was just Rana messing about,” Dilly said.

“Yep!”cheerily exclaimed the disembodied voice. “It was.”

“Ah,” Taurion said. “I see.” He excused himself, and went to join Indil and Lalaith.

“Aww,” said someone – Tethcelebel, this time. “They are just so cute.

“Who this time?” Dilly asked.

“Taurion and Indil.”

“Ah. I see.”

“They are, really,” Lii-chan and Judy put in simultaneously.

“Oh, quite.”

Lanthiriel tried to get some cheerful, therapeutic songs going, but no one seemed interested. The food slowly disappeared, though, and everyone seemed fairly cheerful.

“Yay,” said the author. “This is going just spiffily.”

So when the tolkienonliners mysteriously reappeared at their computer desks, it was with a warm and fuzzy glow accompanied by only mild bemusement.


*Another crossover was written and set before this one, but because of Lily of Gondolin plot issues it has not yet been posted.

This was one of the most random things I have ever written, and that is saying something, I assure you.


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