Last time on ‘The Lord of the Rings’…..
FRODO- Well, you see we’re a bit stuck…Legolas thinks we are going to Mac Donalds and Sam says we should go to Burger King!
(Gee, that’s a tough one! Well, have you checked the script?)
FRODO- Yep and it says we go to Mac Donalds, but it just doesn’t seem natural!
(Well, Frodo, you’re not exactly NATURAL yourself are you?)
(Never mind, well I say what does your heart tell you?)
GANDALF- That Frodo is alive…
(Once again eveyone stares weirdly)
GANDLAF- Sorry, I was just looking through my script..erm..yes..
SAM- Lady Galadriel came to me in a vision saying we should go to Burger King!
GIMLI- Lady who?
PIPPIN- Isn’t she on that Pantene Pro.V advert?
MERRY- No Pip, that’s Cher!!
PIPPIN- Oh right.
LEGOLAS- No she is the fair and elegent Lady of the Woods!
ARAGORN- Oh her! She’s the annoying dudette who kept trying to sell me Brownies and Herbal esscence Shampoo!
LEGOLAS- Herbal esscence shampoo…..I need some more of that…
BOROMIR- MMMMMM HERBAL ESSCENCE!!
SAM- Well, lets think this through. Which seems more likely?
(The Fellowship exchanges confused looks and shrug their shoulders)
GANDALF- Ok, well why don’t we toss a coin?
BOROMIR- GREAT!!! Erm….anyone have a coin?
FRODO- Err…(feels inside his pockets)…nope…got the evil ring of power – will that do?
GANDALF- Spose…Ok, anyone got a marker pen?
SAM- I’ve got a trowel…
FRODO- A trowel?
SAM- Yeah well, I was hoping to do some gardening when we weren’t busy with the quest thing – you know, in our spare time..
BOROMIR- Now I know I’m not exactly bright – but even I know a stupid idea when I hear one – and I tell you….that is SOOOOO NOT STUPID!!!
GANDALF- Oh God! Why me! Why did I let the stupid Gondor man come!?
ARAGORN- Hey dude! Stop dissing Gondor dudes!!
GANDALF- Once again – WHY!!!
FRODO- Anyway, Gandalf what’s all this about a marker pen?
GANDALF- Oh yeah – erm, Sam give me that trowel..
(Sam passes the trowel to Gandalf and Gandalf whacks the ring with the trowel)
GANDALF- Ok the side with the big dent in it represents Mac Donalds and the other un-dented side represtents Burger King.
ARAGORN- Hey dude, was that such a good idea – you know the whole whacking the ring of power thing. Isn’t it kinda special?
GANDALF- Oh well, I’m sure no -one is sooo desperate to get it back that they are about to take over the world with orcs and is sooooo evil that they live in a dark land , take Mordor for example, and are totally obsessed with it – so obsessed in fact that they have now withered down to a great big burning eye supported by what looks like a giant sling shot.
FRODO- That is VERY unlikely!!
(Meanwhile, Legolas is standing on a rock blow drying his hair, when something strange catches his eye)
LEGOLAS- OH MY GOD!!! Evil crow things are coming to crap on our heads!!! And I’ve just washed my hair!!!!
ARAGORN- Oh no!!! Dudes, lets like run and hide in those bushes over there!!!
(The Fellowship run and hide in the bushes)
MERRY- Pip, whats that terrible sound?!
PIPPIN- I don’t know Merry!! I think it those crow things!!
MERRY- Singing crows….hmmmm….
GANDALF- Shut up you stsupid hobbits!!!
(They ‘ crow things’ fly closer and the horrid sound gets louder and clearer)
GIMLI- Bless my beard!!! It is the crows….
LEGOLAS- And I think they’re singing….
ARAGORN- Oh no!!!!
GANDALF- Please tell me I’m hearing things…
BOROMIR- Hey it’s my favourite song – The Barney the Big Purple Dinosaur theme tune!!! (sings along) “I love you…you love me…”
FRODO- Oh It’s horrible!! Aragorn do something! I think their song is enchanting me into some sort of weird dreamy vision type glazed over warp of strangeness…I have a weird urge to put the ring on…
ARAGORN- NO!! Dude, don’t do that!!
LEGOLAS- We have to stop the crows singing!!!
GIMLI- I agree with Leggy!
SAM- It’s driving him Insane – and I mean more than usual!!
MERRY- Pip, Frodo’s going barmy..
FRODO- WAAAAAA!!! GOOOOO GOOOOOO!!! RING!!! POWER!!!! BAAAAAA!!! SHEEP!!!!!!!!
MERRY- We’ve gotta do something!!!
PIPPIN- Merry, you’re not suggesting…..please no!
MERRY- It’s the only way Pip..
PIPPIN- Ok, for Frodo, I guess…
MERRY- Ok after three, 1, 2, 3!!!
(Merry and Pippin reach inside their picnic basket and start throwing the contents at the crows)
PIPPIN- Take that!!! (chucks a ham sandwhich)
MERRY- Eat this you singing gerks! (throws a strawberry tart)
GIMLI- Wow, come on Leggy dear – lets help too!
(Legolas and Gimli reach into the basket and start throwing food)
BOROMIR- Hey look! They crows are turning around!!! And the singing is dying away too!!
MERRY AND PIPPIN- YAY!!!! Take that you dumb chickens!!! (throws the remainders of the food)
FRODO- urrrr! Aragorn!? I feel a little ill! GIVE ME A HUG!!!
ARAGORN- Um..maybe later Frody dude.
GILMI- Didn’t that feel great (to Gandalf) did I look really manly? Do you think Leggy noticed??
GANDALF- God help me!!!
SAM- Geez, that was weird, I guess this means we’re being kinda insanly watched.
ARAGORN- i spose so dudes. Gandalf you’re kinda wise…what do we do now?
GANDALF- Frodo – where’s the ring, we need to toss it now..
FRODO- NO!!!IT’S MINE, MY OWN!!!!
(The Fellowship fall silent and stare at Frodo)
PIPPIN- Frodo, are you Ok?
MERRY- Yeah, you were totally not your gay strange short self just then – what happened?
FRODO- I-I don’t know….
GANDALF- (To Aragorn) I think he’s getting a bit too attached to that ring….(To Frodo) How bout you give it to me Frodo, just for a while?
FRODO- NO!!! IT’S MINE!!!!
GANDALF- Ok….now what? That was the only thing we could toss to decide where we go..
LEGOLAS- We could always toss Gimli *muttering* Off the cliff…
BOROMIR- Hey look! A sign!
(Boromir runs over to the sign on the far side of the cliff)
BOROMIR- It reads….Mine of Moria. Take second exit to the right. Hey cool! let’s go there!!
GANDALF- Hold on! Good wizard instincts are kicking in – I don’t think that is such a cool idea…
GIMLI- Nonsense! The dwarves that live there are well wicked!!! They serve the best nachos in Middle Earth!!
MERRY AND PIPPIN- Oh please Gandalf!!! Please can e go to the Mines??!!
SAM- Why don’t we let Frodo decide??? I mean he’s the one who has just had a weird attack of insaneness! He deserves a choice of what happens next!!
GANDALF- To me that makes no sense whatsoever, but Ok!! Frodo?? Where do we go?
FRODO- I feel stupid – lets go to Moria!!
LEGOLAS- (To Gandalf) This is PERFECT!!! We can finally kill Gimli off there!
GANDALF- What do you mean??
LEGOLAS- Well we can just toss him over the edge of a chasm or something – and cause it’s dark – no-one will know!!!
GANDALF- Great (To Frodo) Wondeful – Moria it is!!!!
WILL FRODO BE TAKEN OVER BY THE RING?WILL LEGOLAS KILL GILMI IN MORIA?CAN BOROMIR GET ANY MORE STUPID?WILL SAM, ONCE AGAIN, KEEP THINKING EVERYONE IS INSANE?WILL ARAGORN EVER GIVE FRODO THAT HUG HE WAS ASKING FOR?WHY DOES GIMLI LIKE NACHOS SO MUCH?WILL GANDALF HELP LEGOLAS KILL GIMLI?WILL MERRY AND PIPPIN’S LOVE OF FOOD GET THEM INTO TROUBLE IN MORIA?
find out next time on ‘The Lord of the Rings’…..