The Fellowship finds themselves in a very odd situaation, they have somehow stepped through a crack in time and have left middle Earth, finding themselves at a Mall in Southern Oregon.
The Fellowship is in the food court of the Rogue Valley Mall. Merry and Pippin are racing around excitedly yeeling about ll of the different food. Frodo is crouching nervously under one of teh tables, Sam is with him. Legolas and Gimli are in Hatworld, Aragorn and Boromir are trying (unsuccesfully) to pick up women and Gandalf is trying (also unsuccessfully) to gain control of the situation.
“All of you listen to me!” Gandalf yells. The members of the fellowhip and everyone at neigboring tables turn and look at Gandalf, then go back to doing what they were doing. “If you all come over here and sit down, I’ll buy you a soft pretzel.” The members of the fellowship race over to Gandalf.
After he buys them all snacks, and gets them seated at a table. Legolas takes the paper of his starw and shoots it at Gimli.
“Who did that?” he demands. Legolas points at Aragorn. Gimli jumps up onto the table and holds his axe above aragorn’s head, Aragorn covers his eyes and screams like a girl, Legolas falls out of his chair giggling like a mad freak.
Gimli eventually calms down and Gandalf continues. “I know you are all wondering why we are here. We are because I received a shirt for Christmas from JC Penny, it doesn’t fit, we must take it back to the store from whence it came.”
“Then what are we waiting for?” Gimli growls.
“It is more complicated then you might think, Gimli, son of Gloin, I don’t have the receipt.” The members of the Fellowship gasp. “I will take care of this myself, as it is my burden to bear, the rest of you will split up into groups and go exploring. Gimli, you go with Legolas.” Legolas and Gimli smile at eachother. “Peregrin, you and Meriadoc will go together, Boromir, you will go with Sam and…” Sam jumps up from his seat.
“Begging your pardon, but I thought that I might go with Mr.Frodo Gandalf.” Frodo stands behind sam gesturing wildly to gandalf and mouthing the words. “No he’s driving me mad, please!”
“I think you should go with Bormir…” Gandalf says.
“But you said Gandalf! You said! ‘Don’t you leave him Samwise Gangee’ and I don’t mean to.” Gandalf Rolls his eyes.
“Very well you may go with Frodo.”
Sam grabs Frodo and pulls him into a hug. “Isn’t that wonderful Mr.Frodo.”
“I’m overjoyed Sam, it will be so nice to spend time with YOU for a change.” Frdod says, his voice reaking with Sarcasm.
Boromir looks at Aragorn and scowls. “That means I’m with you I guess.”
“Guess so, don’t worry, I’ll show you how a REAL king picks up chicks.”
“What?” They walk off together bickering.
Sam and Frodo’s first stop is Hot Topic, the walk over to a display of jewelry. “Such…nice rings…” Frodo says, nearly drooling. “Yes Mr.Frodo, they are nice, not as nice as you though…” Suddenly Frodo sees a Gothic person cme walking into the store. “Nazgul!” He shouts. He immediatly falls to the floor and waits to be saved.
Legolas and Gimli have gone into the clothing store ‘Wet Seal’ They are browising the skirt racks. Legolas holds up a leather mini to show Gimli. “What do you think Gimlie? Would this look good on me? I’m so sick of this green frock I’ve been wearing.”
“I suppose it is…nice.”
“Hmmmm…I need exquisite, because that’s what I am, maybe this isn’t what I’m loooking for.” A saleswoman comes walking up behind them.
“Can I help you?” Before she can say another word, legolas, faster then an orc if the very whips of his master was behind him, pulled out his bow and shot her.
“Aw Jiminy Christmas, not again.”
“Hey baby, how’d you like to me to show you how good the royal treatment can be?” For about the seventh time that day, Aragorn receives a charp slap accross the face.
“Struck out again huh?”
“Well, now I know what not to say.” Aragorn and Boromir sit down on one of the benches. “I just don’t get it Boromir, if two rugged manly royales like us can’t get women, who can?”
“Let’s try again Aragorn, how many times can they reject us before they give in?”
Aragorn surveys his surroundings, they hav already hit on all the cute women, the okay women even some downright ugly women, they were running out of options. Then an attractive blond lady they haven’t spoken to yet walks by.
“All right, we will try one more time, but do not trust to hope, it is forsaken these lands.”
At the return counter at JC Penny, one too many people have cut in front of Gandalf, he is now standing on the counter zapping people with his staff yelling “You shall not pass!”
“You have to beleive me, it was an accident! she snuck up on me! you shouldn’t do that to an elf!” Legolas and Gimli are being drug away by mall security. “Ya know people think we elves have good reflexes, but it’s not true, we’re just jumpy, something moves we shoot it. I know, I know, I should probably switch to decaf but…”
“You’re not helping.” says Gimli.
“Granted, she may have snuck up on you, but you shot the lady with a bow and arrow. I mean why would you be carrying abow and arrow” The mall security guard says.
“Yes but, look at the poeple in here.” Legolas says gesturing to the passersby. “Would you feel safe in here withour a weapon?”
The security gurad loosens his grip on the two. “You may have a point.”
That’s all for now, but will Gandalf be able to return his shirt? Will legolas find a new outfit? Will Frodo ever tell Sam he needs his personal space? Will Boromir and Aragorn EVER find women? and will the food court ever be the same after merry and pippin are through eating? Find out the answers in the next installment!
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