Script for the Fellowship of the Ring
Scene 6: “Keep it secret, keep it safe”
(Gandalf opens door of Bilbo’s hole. Zoom in on Ring on floor. Gandalf reaches down to touch it, flash of huge fiery hand making rude sign at him. He straightens up quickly, looking shaken. Cut to Gandalf sitting in front of fire, muttering to himself. The fire talks to him. See over his shoulder the door opens, Frodo comes in and trips up over the shoe-scraper. Straightens up with Ring in hand and turns to Gandalf.)
Frodo: he’s gone off, inne?
Gandalf: (blows smoke at the camera)
Frodo: he went on and on and ON about it, you’d think he could hold another thought in his head for five seconds but oh, no …
Gandalf: hmm. Oh! Pppbh. Random small noises. Bilbo’s Ring! He’s popped off to some old folks’ home in Majorca. He’s left you Bag End.
Gandalf: … along with all his possessions.
Frodo: double yay! Wait a minute …
Gandalf: the Ring is yours now.
Gandalf: (secrets Ring in super-safe, unbreakable, unbreachable, unopenable, badly-sealed thin paper envelope.)
Frodo: crud crud crud.
Gandalf: keep it secret. Keep it safe.
Frodo: crud crud crud crud give that here.
Frodo: where’re you going?
Gandalf: when in doubt, visit the library.
Chapter 7: “the account of Isildur”
(Cue scary music. Zoom in on v. dark tower. Busy orcs, rivers of lava, dark fortress, screaming froggy man, the whole biz. Someone get Andy Serkis some throat sweets.)
Wraith #1: Speak! Now!
Wraith #1: speak, or we shall play you this CD of Cherie Blair singing!
Gollum: nooooooooo! Shire! Baggins!
Cherie CD: when ah get oooolder, losin’ mah haaaaaaaaair …
Wraith #1: (evil laughter)
(Cut to random volcano erupting. Cut to big green doors opening & green-black Wraiths emerging on a green background. Cut to Gandalf, falling off horse. Cut to Gandalf entering Gondor city library, a mass of dusty books and pages with papier-mache walls. Gandalf, after many years searching, finds what he is looking for.)
Gandalf: the year 3434 of the second age … here follows the account of Isildur – where’ve I heard that name before? – High King of Gondor, and the finding of the Ring of Power.
(Cut to Sauron’s finger falling on the floor. This scene has been played before, and saves precious camera space. Precious … sorry. What was I talking about? Oh, yeah. Sauron’s finger. Anyway, cut to Gandalf & back to Isildur.)
Gandalf: ([reading] voiceover) it is come to me, the Ruling Ring, and I’m gonna keep it, I don’t care what my psychiatrist says, it’s NOT bad for my nerves!! Grr … I could disappear anytime, y’hear!? Anyone who don’t agree with me had better watch out! I’m keeping it! It’ll be an heirloom of my house, a collectors’ piece! Anyway, the writing’s all but gone now, so don’t you say it’s for study! Go away! Stop reading my account, you nosy lob!
(Cut to misc. hobbit chopping wood, his dog starts to bark & whine at something, then zoom in on Wraith #2, riding massive horse with glowing red eyes.)
Wraith #2: Shire. Baggins, you horrible little man.
Hobbit: ain’t no Baggins here. You go up the Greenway, turn left at the Green Dragon, go straight on past the stream and you can’t miss it.
Wraith #2: thanks. Er … (feels is not keeping up Wraithly appearance. Tries sinister laugh.) Hah!
Hobbit: sorry? Shall I get you a throat sweet?
Wraith #2: forget it. (Rides off.)
Chapter 8: “a shadow of the past”
(Frodo and Sam walk up the path to Bag End, swaying. They have obviously just come back from the pub. They part, and Frodo staggers up the path. He walks in, leaving the door wide open so that papers blow around in a sinister sort of way, and wanders around, clearly not entirely sober. Gandalf kind of looms out of the shadows and grabs his shoulder.)
Frodo: (suffers heart attack)
Gandalf: oh, crap. Now I’ll have to do CPR …
Frodo: Nooo! I’m awake! I’m awake!
Gandalf: is it secret? Is it safe?
Frodo: what? … oh, yeah, I hid it in a sock at the bottom of the wash basket.
Gandalf: (grabs it and chucks it on the fire)
Frodo: what the heck are you doing? That’s my best sock!
Gandalf: (takes the Ring out of the shrivelled remains of the sock) lend me a hand here.
Gandalf: it’s well cool, man.
Frodo: (takes Ring)
Gandalf: what can your Elven eyes see? No wait, that comes later …
Frodo: nothing. There’s nothing.
Gandalf: (sigh of relief)
Frodo: wait …
Gandalf: I counted my chickens.
Frodo: there’s some kind of writing … I can’t read it.
Gandalf: not many can. I won’t translate directly, not here, but roughly it says one Ring to rule them all, to make them do as they’re bade, if found please send to Sauron – the postage is prepaid.
This is the One Ring, forged in the fires of Mount Boom, in the very heart of Mordor. This is the Ring the Dark Lord Sauron needs to get back to power.
Frodo: but Sauron was destroyed.
Ring: (ominous whisper)
Gandalf: don’t argue, Frodo, and this will go so much faster. Just pretend he has a brother or something. Beware, his eyes are everywhere.
Eyeballs: (float around room)
Gandalf: sorry, just a simple illusion trick. Right, you go to Bree, I’ll go see Saruman, and we’ll meet up in the Prancing Pony. Savvy?
Gandalf: right, just a little practice, you chuck the Ring into your little living room fire.
Gandalf: just wanted to make sure.
Gandalf: get down!
Frodo: (trips over)
Gandalf: (grabs Sam by the ankle)
Gandalf: confound it all, Samwise Gamgee! How long have you been eavesdropping?
Sam: ain’t been dropping no eaves.
Gandalf: don’t be a fool. What have you heard?
Sam: a good deal about a Ring and a Dark Lord, and something about the end of the world, but nothing important, honest!
Frodo: Sam …
Sam: yes Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: can you carry my luggage to Mordor?
Sam: will the road be long and treacherous?
Frodo: when there is a road.
Sam: will the journey be long and hopeless, as starving and thirsty we struggle over marsh and plain and mountain, hunted ceaselessly by dark horrors of pure evil and with little or no hope of ever getting home or even finishing our quest?
Frodo: you don’t have to come.
Sam: I’ll get my stuff.
(Cut to Gandalf, Frodo and Sam [who is carrying a small truckload on his back] walking through the woods. “Oooh” voice music.)
Gandalf: come along, Samwise! Keep up!
Sam: (falls over for twelfth time under weight of baggage)
Gandalf: be careful. The Enemy has many spies. Birds. Beasts. (He stares suspiciously at his horse, then turns to Frodo.) Is it safe?
Frodo: what? … oh, yeah.
Gandalf: never wear it, whatever you do.
Frodo: can I wear it to check it’s the real one?
Frodo: can I wear it whilst falling off a table in a pub full of the Enemy’s spies?
Frodo: well, can I wear it in front of a bunch of Nazgûl, one of whom is wielding a nasty-looking knife?
Gandalf: definitely not.
Frodo: what about [CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED]?
Gandalf: well, I’m hoping that’s not gonna happen.
Frodo: just so’s we understand each other.
Gandalf: anyway, the Ring is trying to get back to the Dark Lord, and his agents will endlessly pursue you and will be drawn to you if you put it on. So no pressure, eh?
Sam: can we hurry up the long goodbye? These packs are *** heavy.
(Shots of Frodo and Sam walking around across fields and stuff. Sam suddenly stops.)
Frodo: what’s the matter?
Sam: well, you see Mr. Frodo, it’s like this … I forgot to put the cat out before we left, and if I take another step, it’ll be the farthest I’ve ever been from home without putting the cat out first.
Frodo: (grins) come on, Sam. I’m sure the Gaffer will put the cat out.
Sam: (takes several deep breaths, closes his eyes, steps back and takes a laboured running jump over the invisible line.)
Frodo: remember what Bilbo used to say. It’s a dangerous business, stepping out your door. There’s strange folks about, and if you don’t keep your feet, you’ll probably find they’ve been nicked, repainted twice and sold to a man who’ll swear he’s owned them for years.
(Cut to Nazgûl #2 falling down hill. Cut to Gandalf, riding horse very fast to Isengard.)
Chapter 9: “Saruman the White”
Saruman: (voiceover) smoke rises from the Mountain of Doom, the hour grows late, and Gandalf the Grey comes to seek my council. And I was having such a nice day.
Gandalf: Saruman! Hi! Long time no see.
(Cut to Gandalf and Saruman walking.)
Saruman: you are sure of this?
Gandalf: beyond any doubt.
Saruman: but I always thought Cherie Blair was such a good singer…
Gandalf: not her, you idiot! The Ring!
Saruman: ah, yes. The Ring. Quite a good film, I thought, if a touch on the odd side …
Gandalf: will you stop playing the fool and listen?!
Saruman: the Dark Lord’s forces are on the move. He has sent out a great army, handy and leggy.
Gandalf: what little birdie whispered that one to you, eh?
Saruman: oh, I found out via PalantirNet™.
Gandalf: a palantir is a dangerous tool, Saruman!
Saruman: why? I’ve hidden my e-mail and I don’t give out any personal details – why should I fear to use it?
Gandalf: they are not all accounted for, the locked sites. We do not know when an annoying pop-up may appear! (He puts his hand on the Palantir and a huge fiery hand makes a very rude sign at him.)
Saruman: the hour is later than you think. The Nine, the Nazgul, are abroad and searching for the Ring.
Gandalf: well, as long as they’re not here …
Saruman: Against the power of Mordor there can be no victory.
Gandalf: what are you on?
Saruman: we must join with him, Gandalf.
Gandalf: (to himself) whatever it is, I’ll bet it’s illegal.
Saruman: we must join with Sauron. It would be wise, my friend.
Gandalf: have you phlegm for brains, Saruman!?
Saruman: no, I’m evil. I’d have thought the long claw-like fingers and flaring nostrils would have given it away.
Gandalf: (grumbling) no-one tells me anything.
Saruman: (gets miffed and slams Gandalf against the wall.)
(Gandalf and Saruman slam each other about and perform some impressive ballet moves, and Saruman nicks Gandalf’s staff and slams him into the ceiling. Saruman turns to camera.)
Saruman: will Gandalf escape? Will I find the Ring? Will the plot finally begin to make sense? To find out the answer to possibly some of these questions, tune in next time to The Lord of the Rings!