The Valar’s Secret Breeding Programme: Operation Mary Sue
Operation Head: Lord Manwë, Ph.D., Head of Department of Humanology and Mortal-Immortal Relations at the University of Aman
Laboratory Assistants: Aulë and Mandos
Aim: To create the perfect Mary Sue in order to defeat Sauron.
Hypothesis: That an all-powerful, beautiful, wise, benevolent, talented young woman, especially created by a selected breeding programme is the most efficient means of overthrowing the Dark Lord.
– 200 Normal Humans from Earth (Control Sample)
– 200 Special Humans from Earth (must have exotic hair and eye colour)
– 200 Vanyar Elves
– 200 Orlando Bloom Clones
– 1 Large Forest (Type B6: Mirkwood De-Lux Model)
– Frozen Eärendil DNA
– Frozen Maiar DNA
– A rare edition of Magical Systems That Make My Father Roll Over In His Grave by Christopher Tolkien
– A not-so-rare edition of Netspeak in Twelve Easy Lessons by U.R. Kewl
– 1 stopwatch
– 1 piece of string
– Unlimited supply of alcohol
Procedure (as recorded by Aulë)
1. Abducted Orlando Bloom Clones, Normal Humans, and Special Humans from Earth.
2. Placed Normal Humans (Control Sample) in confined environment on Tol Eressëa with alcohol and piece of string for entertainment. Let them breed at will.
3. Placed Special Humans in a confined environment on Valinor.
4. Using alcohol as necessary, mated Vanyar Elves with the Special Humans.
5. When the Elf-Human Offspring (henceforth known as EHOs) reached their late teenage years, randomly distributed all female EHOs in the Large Forest.
6. Randomly distributed 100 Orlando Bloom Clones (henceforth known as OBCs) in Large Forest with EHOs.
7. Discarded any female EHO who failed to attract an OBC within 24 hours (used stopwatch to record time).
8. Mated Male EHOs with successful female EHOs.
9. When Generation 2 EHOs reached late teenage years, randomly distributed the females in the Large Forest, with 50 new OBCs.
10. Discarded any Generation 2 female EHO who failed to attact an OBC within 12 hours (again using stopwatch).
11. Mated Generation 2 Male EHOs with successful Generation 2 female EHOs.
12. When Generation 3 EHOs reached late teenage years, repeated Forest Procedure, this time with 25 OBCs and a six hour attraction deadline.
13. When Generation 4 EHOs reached late teenage years, artificially fertilised females using Frozen Eärendil DNA.
14. When Generation 5 EHOs reached late teenage years, artificially fertilised females using Frozen Maiar DNA.
15. Thoroughly educated Generation 6 EHOs using Christopher Tolkien’s Magical Systems
16. Allocated each female Generation 6 EHO a particular OBC. Using the stopwatch, recorded how long it took for the EHO to successfully seduce the OBC.
17. The fastest seducer, now known as “Mary Sue” was thoroughly educated using U.R. Kewl’s Netspeak
18. Mary Sue was placed randomly in Third Age Middle-earth.
19. All Normal Humans on Tol Eressëa who were both female and Mary Sue’s age were placed randomly in Third Age Middle-earth.
20. Used stopwatch to measure how long it took for Sauron to be overthrown.
Commentary on the breeding process (as recorded by Manwë)
The creation of the perfect Mary Sue went smoothly, and with few problems. The worst problem was probably when one of the OBCs malfunctioned and started to think it was a Carribean Pirate, but fortunately it was successfully neutralised with few difficulties.
The Forest/OBC Procedure worked magnificently in breeding out such unwanted traits as realism, and as such constituted a vital step in creating Mary Sue, though the role of Frozen Eärendil and Maiar DNA should not be understated: pointlessly gratuitous genetic connections to the most powerful social groups in Arda were also of great importance to the overall project. The utilisation of the two books was the finishing touch: Magical Systems gave the Sue a solid grounding in tearing Tolkien’s canon to shreds, while Netspeak served to reinforce the often-forgotten links between bad fanfiction and some of the more annoying elements of 21st Century Western Society.
By the time she was placed in Middle-earth it was clear that the Sue we were dealing with was genetically homozygous for all known Tolkien fanfiction clichés. She had rich golden hair that fell to her slim waist, deep blue eyes that sparkled like deep pools reflecting the starlight of a cloudless night, and a perfect complexion, entirely free of pimples, warts, or moles. In addition she was adept at arcane magic, was the greatest swordfighter and archer in Arda, and had a sickeningly benevolent personality. All this, of course, was very promising with respect to Sauron, since all empirical data showed a direct correlation between number of clichés in a given piece of fanfiction and the triumph of Mary Sue over Evil.
Results (as recorded by Manwë)
As expected, Mary Sue joined the Fellowship with few difficulties, while none of the Normal Human females, inexplicably drunk and sporting an unusual fetish for pieces of string, managed to get within a five league radius. Mary Sue also managed to successfully seduce Legolas a mere 26 minutes and 5 seconds after first meeting him, and was then able to simultaneously engage in a long distance telepathic conference involving Bill the Pony, Fatty Lumpkin, and Shadowfax. It was clear that Sauron did not have a chance.
At this point, however, unintended consequences of the earlier breeding process manifested themselves unexpectedly. Mary Sue had never been immunised against Ring Addiction, a problem compounded with the fact that she had never read Tolkien’s Letters, and so was not constrained by the rule that no mortal could successfully wield the Ring against Sauron.
Our statistical predictions of her behaviour thus went out the window, and her conquest of Mordor was swift and efficient. Minas Tirith, Edoras, Isengard, Lothlórien, Rivendell, the Lonely Mountain, Lake Town, Bree, the Shire, and the Grey Havens soon all fell beneath the power of Suedom. Legolas, Aragorn, Faramir, Boromir, Éomer and Frodo became mindless drooling slaves to their new ruler. Sauron, Shelob, the Nazgûl, Saruman, Gríma Wormtongue, Gollum, Bill Ferny and Lotho Sackville-Baggins were taught the error of their ways and took to growing vegetables in lush bucolic surroundings. Meanwhile, Netspeak was replacing the other languages of Middle-earth, both spoken and written.
Conclusion: (as recorded by Manwë)
BY ERU! WHAT HAVE WE DONE?!