Noldolante – Part III – Amarie

by Feb 27, 2005Stories

Hallo! Installment three of “Noldolante”…though it’s actually narrated by a Vanya, but oh well. I don’t own Middle Earth, Amarie, Feanor, or anybody else, but I do hope you enjoy the story and review like the angelic little readers I know you are. (And I’m submitting this on Valentine’s Day, which is oddly appropriate.)


It has been five hundred years. The sky is lit by the Sun and Moon, now, but I can remember when it was dark.

The Trees had been slaughtered; the stars gave the only light, but they seemed faint, then, and very far away.

Hold on to me, love
You know I can’t stay long
All I wanted to say was I love you and I’m not afraid…

Far away, on Tuna, there was a red glow: the light of many torches. I waited, watching, in the place I knew he’d look for me. Without the light of the Trees, there was no way to tell how much time passed.

I felt the grief of their passing as sharply as any other Elf; but for them there was nothing that could be done, and I was more worried about what would happen next…what Feanaro would do. Findarato had told me enough of his uncle that I had some idea how far he would go. And so I waited, sitting with my back against a tree.

Can you hear me?
Can you feel me in your arms?…

I don’t remember falling asleep, but then Findarato was gently shaking me awake. “What happened?” I asked.

He let out a soft breath, and sat beside me, taking my hands in his. “We…” he paused, and I tilted my head to meet his eyes; he was gazing at the ground. The darkness made it hard to see his expression. “Yes?”

“We…we are leaving.”

I slowly drew one hand from his to push back my hair from my face. Once I thought I could speak without my voice shaking I asked “Why?”

He looked at me, silently pleading for me to understand, not to say that it was all wrong. “He says that we are just the Valar’s playthings, that they cannot even keep evil from their midst…that there will be freedom in the Outer Lands.”

“Do you believe him?”

“No,” he said. “I do not. But Amarie…they are my family.”

“I know,” I replied. “They are.”

Holding my last breath
Safe inside myself
Are all my thoughts of you
Sweet raptured light…

Somehow I’d known what this would come to, when Feanaro would not grant the Silmarils to give life back to the Trees. An act like that can tell of so many things…

“When do you go?” I asked softly, turning away to hide the tears I could not hold back.

“Soon.” Findarato made no effort to hide the sadness in his voice.

“Why?” I suddenly burst out. “Why, Findarato? You know it’s folly…you know it.”

It ends here tonight…

“I don’t ask you to wait, Amarie,” he whispered. “I can’t ask that of you…”

I let out a stifled sob; anger and sorrow and so many other feelings were fighting inside me. “I love you, Findarato,” I said, quietly, without turning. ” May Iluvatar help me, I love you.”

It was the first time I’d said that, though each of us had known the other’s feelings. I had thought that it would be different when I told him; not in the dark, with exile between us.

Silently I closed my eyes, then drew up my knees to my chest and rested my head on my arms. It seemed like a bleak eternity passed, then, until I heard movement behind me and felt Findarato’s warm arm around my shoulders.

I’ll miss the winter
A world of fragile things…

“Amarie, you…I love you.”

“Then why, Findarato?” I choked out. He was crying as well, and I wanted to comfort both of us, to hold him and be held. But I couldn’t. “Why?…”

“There is something I have to do,” he said. “I don’t know what it is, but it will come…and I can help the others…”

“How can you say that?” I asked. “They choose this course themselves, Findarato…you are wiser than this.”

Look for me in the white forest
Hiding in a hollow tree…come find me
I know you hear me
I can taste it in your tears…

“Amarie…” Findarato’s voice broke through my fragile wall of restraint; he pulled me close and I buried my face in his shoulder and let myself cry.

I don’t know how long it was before I could stop my tears, calm my breathing. If I would just hold myself steady then I would be able to bear it. I would.

Iluvatar, please.

Holding my last breath
Safe inside myself…

I let out a long breath and closed my eyes, my head still resting on Findarato’s shoulder. He leaned his cheek against my hair, and we stayed that was for a long time.

Are all my thoughts of you
Sweet raptured light…

If I could just hold on to this…

It ends here tonight.

At last Findarato straightened slightly. I lifted my head from his shoulder; he wiped the traces of tears from my cheeks. I bit my lip and looked down, trying not to let my heart shatter at his touch.

“It will not be forever, love,” he said softly, and tucked my loose hair back behind my ear.

If I could just hold on to this…”I know.”

Closing your eyes to disappear
You pray your dreams will leave you here
But still you wake and know the truth
No one’s there…

I wanted to promise. I wanted to say that I would wait for him until Ea was no longer. But I didn’t know if I could bear it. I didn’t know if I would be able to keep that promise. And so I could not give it.

“I…I’ll hope, Findarato.”

He stood, helping me to my feet. “That’s all I ask.”

I nodded, and, slowly, so he could move away, so I would know he did not give this farewell only because he had to, I leaned up and gently, deliberately kissed him.

This was right, I realized as his arm tightened around me, as I felt his tears against my cheek. This was where we belonged: together, with the stars above us.

Say good night
Don’t be afraid…

After a few heartbeats that felt like and age of the world but were suddenly over, I drew away. Findarato kissed my forehead. “This won’t be forever,” he repeated.

“No,” I said. “Not forever.”

Calling me, calling me as you fade to black…

It has been long since then, when we parted; the Moon shone down, and then the Sun. But there is one thing I mourn in the passing of the dark: The stars, then undimmed by any other light, were so clear that you could almost hear their song.

I still watch them, at night and dusk and twilight. I watch the stars, remembering, and hold on to his promise that it will not be forever.

One day, I will see him again. One day.

This will not be forever.

This cannot be forever.


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