Noldolante – Part II – Feanor

by Feb 7, 2005Stories

A/N: Hello! Rana here with yet another angsty Silmarillion-songfic, installment two of “Noldolante”. Actually, I was kind of surprised that I wrote this, considering that Feanor is far from being my favorite character. But I was playing tiddlywinks with my Ada (really) and “Hurt” as performed by Johnny Cash was playing in the backround, and this just popped into my head. So after the game I went to the computer and wrote it in one sitting. And of course I don’t own the song or the person.


Noldolante

I hurt myself today…
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain…
The only thing that’s real.

I do not know how long it has been.

Here you do not live from one dawn to another; there is no sight of star or touch of wind. Here you live in the shadow and remember.

Some say that peace is found in these Halls. But then, some do not remember the horrors that I do. But there is no one I can blame; it is my own doing, and I brought it upon myself. I cannot accept it as such, though. The resentment and the pain and the sorrow and anger and wrong and death…

Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything…

My sons have joined me know, all but one, and so many of my kin. I see their shades as we pass, but none of them can see me. I do not know why.

There are others, as well. And when I hear their voices my spirit is torn in pain that is beyond all that of the flesh. Because in their soft and mournful song is the rhythm of the surf.

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end…

And oh, Valar, while waiting in these shadows I remember.

I know I was wrong. In every way a child of Eru could be. I was mighty, and knew it; I was skilled, and used it; I led my people, and took them to their ruin and their death. But more than just these transgressions on the scale of nations, I regret the smaller things. The actions that shaped my life. That made me who I was, and now I wish that I was not.

I drove you all so far away.

You could have it all
My empire of dirt…
I will let you down
I will make you hurt…

All of you. I remember watching her golden-red hair in the light of Laurelin, as the young ones played and Maglor, as ever, was sitting plucking the strings of his newest harp…Maedhros, catching Amrod as he fell from a bough…Caranthir tackling his little brother.

It was beautiful. And I never took the time to see.

I am a fool.

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar’s chair…

I regret so much. And now, that is all that I can do. For in these Halls…

Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair.

I see her face, so clearly. She looked at me for one long moment, kissed my cheek, and turned away. I did not see her again. I do not think I will, before the end of this earth.

Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear…

I do not know why they followed me. It has been said that my fire was bright, fell, my spirit too strong for others. Even now I cannot help but think that…no. It does now matter. This is a place of shadow.

I try not to judge. I try to rest, to calmly think over my life and admit that was I wrong, to let go, to live, so far as I am able. I cannot.

From the beginning, my temper has been harsh. From the beginning, I have felt alone. From the beginning, I have felt the restless fire that burns and drives me on and I cannot understand those who simply wait…

And it all dulls and I am left with is the everlasting ache that comes with denial and regret and eternal life. I wish that I could die.

You are someone else
I am still right here.

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way.

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