Prologue: At the house in Crickhollow, when the beginning of the Fellowship was forged, there were two additions to the familiar cast of five. Two young girl hobbits, once rabid Tolkien fans from earth, gleefully added their services to the conspiracy. Their love for the Shire, (and adventure) had not been diminished by fourteen years of living in Tookland. Close friends of Merry, Pippin, and Frodo, Ruby and Lily refused to be left behind. And so the Fellowship gained its much needed feminine influence. Now if they could only stop spouting off quotes…
Ruby and Lily Took peered about the strange room in wide-eyed curiosity. Not that they could see much in the dark, abandoned guard’s room in forsaken Moria.
“Sure looked brighter with stage lights,” Lily whispered, grinning evilly.
“Shhh!” exclaimed Ruby, starting to giggle. She calmed herself after the extremely stern look Aragorn gave her. “Oh, no, Pippin’s found the well. Think you could stop him?”
“I can try. OY, PIPPIN!”
plunk, plunk, plunk
Lily gave Ruby a helpless look as they both mouthed “Fool of a Took!“.
Gandalf was right on cue, “Fool of a Took! This is a serious journey, not a hobbit walking-party. Throw yourself in next time, and then you will be no further nuisance. Now be quiet.”
Pippin stared down the well in horror as the sound of a hammer echoed up. In the depths of his despair, he closed his eyes, and flung himself into the gaping hole.
Merry cried out, “Pip!” and followed close behind.
Ruby said, “Well, that was unexpected.”
“I hate Moria.” Ruby caught Lily’s terrified glance.
“Why?” Ruby was puzzled. As she got a running start she noticed the look on Legolas’s face was nothing short of sheer incomprehension. “Are you coming or not, Lily?” she called as she barreled down to the unknown.
Lily looked like she was about to cry. “Then I know what I must do. It’s just… I’m afraid to do it. Dang. Geronimo!” as she hurtled down the last words she heard were Frodo’s “That sounds familiar.” and Legolas’s “Who’s Geronimo? Was he as good looking as me?”
Pippin thudded onto something …soft? He heard a squishy noise as Merry landed next to him. As he caught his breath a third slam sounded, and then a ooophf and a “OH SHOOOOOOOOT!”.
“Get off, you fat lump of a hobbit!” laughed Ruby as she shoved Lily off.
Tears of amusement cascaded down Pippin’s face. “Lucky you landed on something soft, there, Lily!”
“Soft my foot! Have you felt those elbows?”
“Hey, now! At least my elbows didn’t land on your stomach!”
“As if that’s my fault, Miss Alice-Down-A-Rabbit-Hole!’
“What’s happening now?” queried a very confused Merry, probably due to the fact that he landed on his head.
“Nothing!” they both chimed. Pippin was still rolling on the slightly bouncy surface, making little gasping noises they assumed to be silent laughter.
The surface groaned. All the hobbits were suddenly very wide-eyed.
“Uh, Ruby, er, I think we have a cave troll.” Lily stammered.
“Brilliant. Just brilliant.”
“RUN!” yelled Pippin.
“Why?” said Merry, as he was left standing there, massaging the very large lump on his head.
“Oh, joy.” muttered Ruby as she dashed back and pulled Merry by the wrist.
The troll lumbered to its feet, staring at them with very large eyes. Pippin paused in mid-flight and raised up an unbelieving gaze. “By the Shire, Lily, Ruby, it’s sucking its thumb!” he gasped.
“Don’t cave trolls always suck their thumbs?” remarked a bemused Merry.
“Er, no Merry, I don’t think they do.” replied Ruby in the kindest tone possible.
“Merry, are you all right?” Lily tore her eyes from the troll for the first time.
“I think he got a bump on his head,” answered Pippin, “How many fingers am I holding up, Merry?”
“No, that’s three.”
“Well, I suppose if you multiply by six,” Lily added helpfully.
“Get down!” Pippin’s shriek skittered around the chamber as they were all hoisted into the grasp of the cave troll.
They shut their eyes, expecting the worst. Instead of being crushed to their deaths, however, it slowly came to their attention that they were the recipients of the largest hug that has ever been endured by hobbit-kind.
“This is nice,” murmured Merry, in the last second of ignorant bliss before being hit with the sledgehammer of reality. “AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!”
His scream was drowned by a large droplet of salt-water.
“WAAAHHHHHAAHHHHH!” blubbered the cave troll.
“There, there….Fred,” Pippin tried to comfort it by patting it on the…finger.
“FRED??” the other three hobbits cried in unison.
“Well, he has to have a name, doesn’t he?”
And so Fred became the first troll to be adopted by hobbits.
Seventeen years have now passed, and Fred is a grown troll. He enjoys playing with his friend, Balrog “Of” Morgoth, who is one of the “Moria Hobbits'” closest pals. He even helps them catch orcs from time to time… their primary food. The four hobbits, exiled in the depths of Moria where not even the Dwarves dared abide, have started a colony they named Mithril Land, the Magic Kingdom. They call themselves…Hobbits, Moria Hobbits. Lily is the proud mother of six children, Stella, Peregrin II, Rose, Elizabeth, Drothweather, and cute, little, gasping Sarai. Ruby opted for four, Esmeralda, Meriadoc II, Rebecca, and little Frodo. Unfortunately, it was with Stella that the problems came in. You see, she had come know an orc named Snikbog…
“But, Mother, I love him!” sobbed Stella.
Lily was not impressed. “He’s an orc. O – R – C. Orc! We eat them!”
“So far be it from me to keep from your one love, but he could be dinner tomorrow night!”
“He eats orcs too!”
“This is supposed to endear me to him?”
“What’s the matter?” Ruby asked cheerfully, entering their hole with little Frodo in tow. “We’ve come for a visit! Merry’s gone off on pipeweed again.”
“Love your timing…”
“IT’S NOT FAIR!”
“Ah, I see your point.”
“What’s fair?” questioned little Frodo.
“Ruby, I think Stella has seen Shrek one too many times. Now I like weird romances as much as anybody else, but this is a bit too much.”
“SHE’S FALLEN IN LOVE WITH FRED?”
“No, dear. That’s Rose, but we’ve been working on that.”
“She’s fallen in love with Of?”
“You’re warm, but for the wrong reasons.”
“Some orc named Snikbog, whom I’m sure would be handsome if weren’t for all the slime.”
“But, mother, that is handsome!”
“What’s going on?” Pippin strolled in munching upon an orc haunch.
“DADDY! Who are you eating?!” Stella screeched.
“Some orc that Rose and Fred caught. They’ve taken to orc hunting together. They’re almost getting as good as Of.”
“Of, where Of? Of my friend!” chortled little Frodo.
“Of’s not here dear. Of is sleeping.”
“While he’s going orc hunting? I should hope not.” Lily laughed.
Pippin rolled his eyes. “Great. So, what’s the problem?”
Voice clamored in clattered confusion as everyone strove for the upper-hand.
“But I love him!”
“Of, Of, Of, Of, Of, OF!”
“This is ridiculous.”
“Worse than the peanut joke.”
“What peanut joke?”
Lily began eagerly, “Oh, it’s `why did the…”
Ruby stopped her mid-sentence. “Just say no, Lily, just say no.”
“Daddy, there’s this wonderful orc named….Snikbog.” she caressed the word.
Pippin’s mouth dropped open. “You mean that orc that’s always sneaking around here?”
“Yes.” she sighed lovingly.
“You’re joking, right?”
“Oh, Daddy how could you say such a thing. He’s the kindest, gentlest, most wonderful orc in the world!” she grew confidential, “He let me kiss him once!”
“Eeew!” snickered little Frodo.
“Precisely my thought,” agreed Ruby.
Pippin was in speechless shock.
“Look, Stella, I hate to be unfeeling and prejudiced, but he’s an orc! I’d take even Gollum over Snikbog. You could call him `my precious’.” Lily was being firm, hard though it was.
“That’s not funny, mother!”
“Well, actually…” snorted Ruby.
“I can’t believe you!” Stella stormed off.
This is as much Lily_Took’s story as mine, and she deserves so much credit! Thanks, Lily!