How to Die in Middle-earth – A collection of short stories — part 3

by Oct 16, 2003Stories

How to Die in Middle earth — A collection of short stories — part 3
PG rating because of subject matter.

Barrow Wigh s, and why Tom Bombadil’s name should never be rhymed with incorrectly

Pansy, a random hobbit lass from a random part of the Shire, was lost. And in the Old Forest, that was a Bad thing. In some respects, she had been extremely lucky: no foul creatures or singing trees had caught her attention; she was too lost for even that. After all, singing trees were a very obvious land-mark.

So, as you may imagine, it was to the great relief of Pansy when she stumbled across a root and found a “helping” hand steady her. “Oh!” she exclaimed. “Hello!”

The young hobbit never knew what hit her. (Aside from a weighty cliche, that is) Several hours later, she awoke to the sound of a strange — and rather unpleasant — song.

And NOT the one of a tree.

Despite the fact that Pansy didn’t pay much attention to it, as she was staring rather more steadily at the sword creeping up to her, she did notice several words such as “cold,” “bone,” and “death.”

How she had been revived in her state of mind, Pansy didn’t know, but she did recall the old legend of a certain Tom Bombadil. There was a song — you called him by a song!

But all Pansy knew was the song of the tree. Oh, well, she’d best twist something herself.

“Come tom bombadil to my aid,
I have a problem that’s needing some . . . um . . . aid,
I’m in a Wight’s home, not right nor good,
So come here and save me, if you would.”

All in all, the poem wasn’t too bad . . . but Bombadil had a very keen ear, as one does in his situation. And he recognized that not only had Pansy tried to rhyme aid with aid, but she hadn’t capitilized his name.

So Bombadil left Pansy to the Wights . . . and the sword still creeping up to her by means of a long, foul arm.

Balrogs — hot, flaming balls of death comin’ your way.

Ulminienëmítöbõi, the girl of an unpronounceable name, also happened to be the infamous tenth-member of the Fellowship. Something that made Elrond VERY unhappy. Especially since he had to send Pippin along behind the rest as “not an official member, just a tag-along” to make the logical number nine.

Pippin wasn’t too happy about it either.

By the time the Fellowship, including Ulminienëmítöbõi, reached the Bridge of Khazad-dum (only two days after they had started, thanks to the author’s plot holes) the whole lot of them were more than a little tired of Ulminienëmítöbõi thinking she knew and was everything great.

It was Gandalf who first had the idea. In the books and movie, it is shown that Gandalf very nearly got lost in Moria; this is not true. The truth is, that so tired with the Company of their rag-tag-tag-along Mary-Sue, that they had finally figured out how to get rid of her. Gandalf wasn’t lost — he was seeking out his old friend, The Balrog (also called TB by his friends.)

“TB,” Gandalf had said, upon meeting his friend. “I have a problem.”

“Another ‘Sue?” TB rumbled as only a Balrog can. “Sure, just let me handle it!”

Thus it was that upon the Bridge, Gandalf said: “Ulminien– however-you-pronounce-your name! Go forth and defeat the Balrog for us!”

Just how few seconds elapsed before Ulminienëmítöbõi was dead could be debated. Pippin, who had long since nicked a stop-watch from the ‘Sue said it was about .5/100 of a second. You can decide for yourself how long you think it took. Personally, I think Pippin was being a bit generous. After all, one’s trigger finger is only so fast.

Ents, and why chopping down trees in Fangorn is a BAD idea.

There once was an Uruk called Kishtraum,
Who, for Saruman, went to chop an evil-baum,
Then he met an Ent,
And by his neck he was bent,
So now all the others call him dead-mon.

There once was a bad ‘Sue called Trent
Who, when thirteen, to Middle-earth went
She set fire to
A tree named “Hue”
Then the rest of her days were all spent.

Pippin Took was a hobbit true,
Much braver than me or than you,
He did show respect
When the ents he met
And survived — now that’s something new!


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