Haldir’s Diary – a short parody chronicling the events in The Two Towers (movie) from a Lorien March Warden’s point of view.

by Aug 27, 2003Stories

Haldir’s Diary

(Just to avoid confusion, this is based on the movie storylines, much as I hate what PJ did to Haldir)

Day 1

Elrond’s been having weird visions again, says Galadriel. Bit rich, speaking from her point of view. She never gets off the *** ‘mirror’ with him. Celeborn’s been whining at her, cos he’s always had a thing about his wife and younger men. She’s been very protective of the thing lately. Last time I took a bath in it, she went mad, and green. Really green.

Anyway, Elrond has a vision that the people of Rohan are going to die, something like that. And suddenly matters of men become SOOO important that he has to send an army of Elves all the way down south too save them.

You’d think he’d go himself, if he really cared, but he doesn’t get off his ass nowadays. The only war he’d ever been that I know of was the battle with Gil-galad, who died, and “left” his Ring to Elrond, his comrade who couldn’t save him.

Galadriel goes all slushy on him, cos he’s her son-in-law, and all that, despite the fact Celebrian nearly DIED when she was with him, and instead of personally going to help him with her elfy powers, she sends me.

Stupid noldorin bint.


So here I am, packing light for the trip tomorrow to Rivendell, then Helm’s Deep!


Quality carven wooden mallorn bow – 1

Selection of oak arrows – 300 (how many things to shoot are there??)

Light Elven sword – 1

Daggers – 2 (small)

Woollen cloak – 1

Change of underwear – 1 (being very hygienic)

Secret nude picture of Arwen – 1

Secret nude picture of Galadriel – 1

Lembas – 15 packs

Never see Thranduilion doing this, do you?

Then again, he’s all high and mighty prince of Mirkwood, and gets to go with the Fellowship. Dumb ****. I think I have a picture of him streaking when he drank too much miruvor and started dancing and swinging on trees.

Note to self: must find picture and practise blackmailing when I get back.

Day 2

Galadriel’s being awfully nice to me today. Usually, she’s quite dismissive and moody, but she’s different today. Strange. I think I heard her and Celeborn arguing last night. Apparently he caught her probing into Elrond’s mind again, even though she claims she was reminding him about sending the armies. There was an all too familiar green light issuing from their talan; and today, Celeborn had a slightly purple patch on his eye. He got really annoyed when I asked him about it:

“My lord, what is that strange patch you have there!”

“It is nothing”

“Are you sure? It looks like your eye is swollen”

“No, it isn’t”


“I’m fine”

“You don’t look it”

“Go away, Haldir”

Galadriel seemed happy though. She gave me a really SHINY breastplate to wear, because I was the general of this army but Celeborn got even madder when he saw it. I think Galadriel just gave me her husband’s favourite outfit.

He won’t mind

I’ll look after it

He hardly wears it anymore.


So here I am, on the way to Rivendell. Feeling very proud for some reason, but maybe it’s just my incredibly SHINY armour.

Or maybe it’s the huge army marching behind me, under my command

Or the fact that I am on an important quest to save weak and feeble but grateful men.


Met up with Elrond’s troops. The meeting got a little irritable, because Elves of Rivendell and woodland Elves don’t get along that well. No one is sure why, but I have a feeling it’s because they’re jealous of our irresistible BLONDE hair.

Making our way south, gathering another regiment from Mirkwood (only 100) and continuing all the way, unstopping until we reach Helm’s Deep

Snubbed Elves of Rivendell by flicking hair back over my shoulder when talking about important matters.


I think I forgot my map. Will have to face severe indignity and use Orophin’s. He can manage without it. I’m his older brother anyway, and my armours twice as shiny.

to be continued…


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