Haldir of L’Oreal

by Jun 23, 2004Stories

Haldir of L’Oreal

The elegant elf with the gorgeous tresses answers all the questions raised by the many hirsute inhabitants of Middle Earth regarding their coiffures. Tune in to his weekly show on Radio Mallorn…

Aragorn:
Haldir of L’Oreal, I need your help. How do I get my hair to look like
Isildur’s hair?

Haldir:
Seek for the comb-that-was-broken. In Imladris it dwells…

Aragorn:
Ye utuvienyes! A comb! I never thought of that!

* * * * *

Gollum:
We tries an Ent draught and ends up with a full head of nasssty curly hair. Now we can’t see where we’re going, can we, precious? No! Nasssty Ents! Curse them!

Haldir:
My good Smeagol, there’s a simple solution to your problem. Bind your tresses with a piece of string. One string to rule them all, one string to find them. One string to bring them all and in a ponytail bind them.

Gollum:
Nice Haldir. We’ll try it, precious, yesss we will, gollum, gollum.

* * * * *

Gimli:
My beard has grown so long that it trips me up!

Haldir:
Up with your beard, Durin’s son! How about braiding it and coiling it like a rope over your shoulder?

Gimli:
Good idea, boss!

Haldir:
And now I have a question for you, Gimli. How do you dwarves grow such luxurious beards?

Gimli:
Aha! It’s all in our diet! Our Khazad ai menu!

* * * * *

Asfaloth:
The problem with having an Elvish master is that he keeps shampooing my mane. What’s a good way for a horse to get a soggy mane dry in a hurry?

Haldir:
Noro lim, noro lim, Asfaloth!

* * * * *

Pippin:
As we hobbits have hairy feet, all the insects of the Shire have come to regard our toes as a safe haven.

Haldir:
Smoke them out of there with Longbottom leaf!

Pippin:
Wow! Now why didn’t I think of that!

Haldir:
You require someone with intelligence in your party, Peregrin Took!

* * * * *

Haldir:
And now, I bring word from our sponsor, Elrond of Rivendell.

A Elbereth Gilthoniel
Silivren penna miriel
O menel aglar elenath
So you should try out L’Oreal.

* * * * *

Haldir:
And now, back to our programme….

Frodo:
I love the starry effect in Legolas’ dark hair… any idea how he achieves it?

Haldir:
Strangely enough, I do! The other day, I came across Legolas and Gimli apparently collecting insects in the forest. They were making quite a game of it. “What do you collect, Gimli son of Gloin,” I asked. Gimli dived into a bush and emerged with another specimen. “Forty two, Master Legolas,” yelled he. “Forty two of what,” asked I. “Glow worms,” he answered, emptying his collection into Legolas’ hair. And that, Frodo, is the secret of Legolas’ starry look.

Frodo:
I think I’ll try that on my toes!

Haldir:
Brilliant! Frodo is too poor a name for you. Twinkletoes, I name you.

Haldir’s brother Rumil suddenly rushes in…

Rumil:
Hey , Haldir…

Haldir:
Daro! I’m on air, Rumil. This is a live broadcast…

Haldir changes gears.

And that’s it for today. Be sure to tune in next week, same time, and you’ll hear the minstrel of Rohan lament, “Where is the helm and the hauberk, and the bright hair flowing,” in response to the new buzz cuts of the Rohirrim…

Rumil:
But Haldir…

Haldir:
WHAT!

Rumil:
Yrch!

Haldir:
Orcs?

Haldir and Rumil scramble hurriedly up the nearest mallorn, dragging a microphone and rope ladder after them. They fling themselves down on the high flet and Haldir pulls out a sheaf of manuscript. “Will you let me help you with next week’s show, Haldir,” asks Rumil hopefully. “Sorry, Rumil,” answers Haldir of L’Oreal. “I can write about hair, but others have not this skill.”

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