I think now is as good as any to issue a formal apology to everyone who’s ever read fanfiction. My fanfiction, that is. Let me rephrase that… an apology to anyone who’s ever read my fanfiction, that’s been posted on many of the sites out there. I have written some horrible, horrible things.
I’ve been sorting though folders of published material on my old hard drive for days now, and have felt the need to A.) Strangle myself, and B.) To apologize profusely, to everyone who has not only read any of my bad fic, but to everyone who has ever read a bad fic…. which is basically everyone, no?
For starters, let’s make a list of tragic, facepalm inspiring mistakes I’ve made in my published fanfiction: First and foremost, for the first… say, two fanfictions I’d published, I made the cringe-worthy mistake of typing “Aragon”. Ooooh, the horror. Then, there was what I like to call the Legolas-Cream-puff move, which turns him into a raving looney, babbling and pining over my blatant Mary Sues (-which I’ll get to later-) at every chance he got. I’ve mutilated the plot so many times it’s shameful, and made on of the worst mistakes one can make. But I’ll get to them later.
Now, my previous spelling mishaps (including the “Aragon” thing) deserve a paragraph by themselves. I’ve used such acronyms as “OMG” and “LOL” in my fanfiction… in dialogue. And the worst of all has yet to come. This is extremely hard for me to admit…. I have, in the past, written Lothlórien as… “Lorithien”. *facepalms* They’re not even close… I’m so ashamed…
I have made up Elvish names for minor OC’s, I’ve even made the Fellowship use present-day slang. I’ve written H/C (Hurt/Comfort) stories, in which my character is Legolas’ lover, and is injured and nursed back to health by the handsome Elven prince, or vice versa.
And now, for the grand finale, the crowning jewel of sorts, to this atrocious collection of monestrous mistakes – The Mary Sue. Rather, the Mary Sues. The Classic Sues, the Warrior Sues, the Elven Sues, and the Jekyll/Hyde Sues (exact definitions of these breeds can be found at https://www.timelady.net/unbroken/full.html , much thanks to Feana for the lovely descriptions.) I’ve made them outgoing, I’ve made them shy, I’ve made them extraordinary, I’ve made them plain, I’ve made them brash, I’ve made them demure… Anyway you swing it, I’ve written an uncountable number of them. And most were complete Legomances.
Now that I have repented, I sacrifice any and all Mary Sue’s I’ve written to the PPC agents out there. Show now mercy ladies (and gentlemen,) for they (and I) deserve everything you’ve got.
But fear not, there is a glimmer of light at the end of this dark, cringe-worthy tunnel – I am getting help. I’ve gotten myself the best beta-reader I could find, (huggels for Alice, for refusing to let me publish any of the aforementioned garbage), I’ve actually read The Lord of the Rings (which, obviously, is a large improvement in many ways, including my old habit of just trying to sound out the words heard in the movie,) and have read The Silmarillion twice. I also refer to The Master of the Ring and The Complete Guide to Middle-earth for reference when I need them, so not to make any colossal mistakes (-like “Lorithien”… eew…-) ever, ever again. Well, let’s just leave it at this – I’ve done my homework.
But, I still haven’t apologized properly. So, here it is: I’m sorry. Profusely, profoundly, immensely sorry for inflicting this torture on any innocent bystander who happened to stumble across any of my stories. I’m returning soon though, to the realm of published fanfiction. Will this new story be another “Hapless-Girl-With-Tragic-Past-Stumbles-Unknowingly-Into-Middle-earth-Only-To-Have-Legolas-Fall-Helplessly-In-Love-With-Her-As-She-Saves-All-of-Arda-Single-handedly”? I’m happy to say no. Alice would have my head…
If anyone asks why I just didn’t take the Mary Sue Litmus Test earlier, and realize that I was, infact, guilty as sin, I shall send Princess Caiarlynwen Stardust after you, and have her regale you of her adventures. Over, and over, and over…. (Truth is, I did take the Test. And I ignored the fact that I was way, way over the normal limit of “yes” answers.)
(P.S – My screen-name doesn’t help my case much, does it?)