The Company is approaching the Doors of Moria.
Gandalf:…Dwarf doors are made to be invisible when shut. Am I right, Gimli?
Gimli: Yes. Even their own maker cannot open them if their secrets are forgotten.
Legolas: Why doesn’t that surprise me?
John: Because nothing surprises Elves, right?
Orlando: Shut up.
Gandalf: (running his hands over a section of the cliff wall in front of them) Ithildin. It mirrors only starlight and moonlight. (Slowly, a cloud slips from its place over the moon and faint silver letters begin to appear.) Ah!
Ian: It reads, ‘The Doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak friend, and enter.’.
Merry: What d’you suppose that means?
Gandalf: Oh, it’s quite simple. If you are a friend, you speak the password, and the doors will open.Annon edhellen! Edro he ammen!
Nothing happens. Gandalf looks sheepish, then shoves his shoulder against the door. It doesn’t budge. Sometime later, Ian and Gandalf are standing in front of the door, Frodo, Elijah, Sean A, Gimli, John, Merry, Dom, and Billy are smoking their pipes. Orlando and Legolas are quietly conversing in Sindarin while keeping an eye out for anything and everything. Viggo is grimly holding onto Pippin so he won’t throw rocks into the lake, while Aragorn and Sam are taking the luggage of Bill and sending him off.
Billy: (heaves rock into pool.)
Viggo: Why the heck did you do that? Don’t you know what’ll happen!
Billy: Oh. Oops.
Gandalf: Oh, ‘s useless. (sinks heavily down onto a rock.)
Frodo: It’s a riddle! Speak, friend, and enter! Gandalf, what’s the Elvish word for friend?
Ian: Mellon. (the doors slowly creak open, and everyone leaps up from where they were sitting.)
Elijah: (mutters) That’s what I’ve been trying to TELL YOU!
The eighteen companions slowly enter the Mines. As soon as they enter, Gandalf and Ian’s staffs convieniently begin to glow.
Gimli: Soon, Master Elf, you will taste the fabled hospitality of the Dwarves. Roaring fires, malt beer, red meat off the bone!
Orlando: (quietly so that only Legolas can hear) What if we don’t LIKE red meat off the bone?
John: This, my friends, is the home of my cousin Balin, and they call it a mine. A MINE!
Boromir: This is no mine-
Sean B: It’s a tomb!
Orlando: (pulls an arrow out of a Dwarven corpse) Goblins!
The four Men and two Elves instantly whip out swords and fit arrows to the string. They position themselves in front of the hobbits and the two moaning Dwarves.
Boromir: We make for the Gap of Rohan. We should never have come this way. Now get of here, GET OUT!
Frodo: Aauugghh! (he is being pulled backwards toward the water by a large tentacle. The actors recognise the Watcher in the Water instantly.)
Sam: Mr. Frodo!
Sean A: Strider!
Aragorn: (slices through the tentacle holding Frodo. A brief respite follows before twelve other arms come rippling out, knocking away the others and seizing Elijah and Frodo)
A battle follows, Legolas and Orlando burying arrows into the thing as Viggo, Boromir, Aragorn, and Sean B slice at it’s tentacles. The Watcher’s head breaks the surface as it pulls the two hobbits in towards his mouth. Legolas shoots the thing in the mouth as Viggo chops the tentacle holding Frodo in half and Sean B catches the hobbit. Orlando, Aragorn, and Boromir repeat this brilliant manuever to recover Elijah, with the same amount of success.
Boromir: Legolas! Orlando! Into the cave!
Legolas: (ignores Boromir and calmly buries an arrow in the Watcher’s eye. Orlando grabs his arm and hustles him into the Mines with the rest as the Watcher pulls the doors to bits behind them.)
Gandalf: (the crystal in his staff begins to glow, illuminating his drawn and weary face.) We must now face the long dark of Moria. Be on your guard. There are older and fouler things than Orcs in the deep places of the world.
Merry: Where’s Billy?
Gandalf: He has returned to where he came from, I surmise. We now have a Quest before us. Let us go on.
Viggo: (quietly aside to Orlando) Serves him right for throwing rocks in the pool.
Yes, Billy Boyd was gone. He had disappeared sometiem in the rush through the doors.
Back in the small London room, there is a bright flash and Billy appears, a confused look on his face. “Darn! Figures I would be the first one back!” Glancing at the TV screen, he discovers that he can still see his friend on the screen. ” Well, nothin’ to do except watch, so here goes.”