When faced with those who lust for an elf,
Point them to the `Action Figure’ shelf.

With those obsessed with Darkest Doom,
Point to Sauron/Morgorth and say “Get a Room.”

If maids are entranced by warriors bold,
Point out that they seldom live to get old.

For those who hunger after `Durin’s Bane’,
Seek out a house for the clinically insane.

For those who pine after Minions of Evil,
Say “Inter-species unions are rarely legal”.

With those who seek Hobbits and a private room,
There are several ways to poison a mushroom.

When girls wish Dwarves to serve their pleasure,
Remind them that Dragons come with Treasure.

With these actions you may yet avoid,
Fanfiction writers who should be destroyed.