The REAL Council of Elrond
As seen by the Took family on ME live broadcasting show (Pippin placed security cameras in the council room).
A written record by Pervinca.
Elrond: The ring must be destroyed!!
Gimli: Well, what are we waiting for?
He tries to axe the ring, but trips over Gandalf’s staff and hits the Evenstar pendant Aragorn accidentally dropped earlier. It breaks in two.
Aragorn: By elves breath!! Arwen’s gonna kill me!
Elrond: Um, I think you mean Elbereth. Heeeeyyyyy….. Why should my daughter–?
Aragorn: Ummmmm…. Yes.. Boromir, you were going to say something?
Boromir: Yes, thank you, ranger!
Aragorn: (whispering) Psst! Legolas, isn’t that your cue?
Legolas: What cue?
Aragorn: You’re supposed to jump up and defend me!
Boromir: Attention, everyone! This is the favorite son of the steward of Gondor speaking! Shall I continue? Thank you. Now, I dreamed a dream–
Gimli: What else do you dream?
Boromir: That, master dwarf, was a very grand statement I just made. Honor it appropriately! Thank you! Now, in my dream, I was told to seek for a broken sword. It also said that a silver vane (what is a vane, anyway?) would be revealed by a Halfling. But what I asked my dad was, why do I, the favorite son, need a broken sword? And he said, “Now Boromir, my pet, try and understand. There are cruel men out there who–
Elrond: Yes, yes, and your point was?
Boromir: I- I dunno. I mean, I don’t need a broken sword; no one does! Who’s got one? Who wants one? Not the favorite son of Denethor! Daddy told me that–
Aragorn: AHEM! My cue! (coughs importantly) Here is the sword that was broken! ( he accidentally tosses the two pieces of the Evenstar onto the table)
Elrond: Hey! Isn’t that my daughter’s–
Aragorn: oops… erm… well… hehe…. ( squirms uncomfortably)
Arwen: Hiya daddy! Watcha doin? (she sees the pendant) WHAT’S THIS?!??!!!!
Aragorn: Now, Arwen, sweetheart, take it easy dear.
Arwen: (weeping)That was my mummy’s necklace!
Elrond: Hey! Isn’t that your mummy’s–
Aragorn: Um…. Arwen, dear, why don’t you go and fix it… or… something…
Arwen: SOB! You men are so unfeeling! BOO-HOO-HOO-HOO!!
(She rushes out with the broken Evenstar)
Frodo: Excuse me, but Sam and I wish to get back to the Shire A.S.A.P!
Elrond: I thought Sam wanted to see elves…
Voice from nearby bush: I did!
Elrond: More than anything else…
Voice: I do!
(Sam jumps out from nearby bush)
Sam: It’s just that, we did what Gandalf wanted, didn’t we? We got the ring to Rivendell, and I thought–
Frodo: The problem is you didn’t!
Sam: Gasp! Mr. Frodo, you- you said that to me?
Sam: My *sob* dad would be so *sob* ashamed!!! *sob! Sob!*
Elrond: Well, what do you expect? He’s only a hobbit!
Legolas: This is no mere hobbit! He is….. he is…. Who is he, anyway?
Boromir: Who cares? All I need is the ring! I can save Gondor!
Aragorn: Excuse me, but I’m supposed to save Gondor. According to the books, you’re supposed to get killed by–
Boromir: And what does a mere ranger know about these things?
Aragorn: Well, obviously a lot more than you do!
(They both begin to yell at each other)
Gimli: Ha! Now’s my chance to snatch the ring and bolt for the door!
Legolas: (grabs him) Oh no you don’t, dwarfling! I heard that! I will not let the ring fall into the hands of a dwarf!
Gimli: Oh? And I suppose you think you’re the one to take it?
Gimli: I will DIE before I see the ring in the hands of an elf!
Legolas: I will die before I see the ring in the hands of an elf– erm, dwarf!
Elrond: Shut up, all of you! I WILL TAKE THE RING!!!!!!
(Yelps as an axe, three swords, and one arrow are pointed at him)
Arwen: (still crying) Yes, daddy?
Elrond: Sing them a song! Make them calm down a little!
Arwen: Fine, daddy. Ahem!
The leaves were long, the grass was green
The hemlock umbels tall and fair.
And in the glade a light was seen
Of stars in shadows shimmering….
All but Elrond and Arwen: SNORE!!!!
Elrond: Thank you, Arwen! You may return to your weeping!
Arwen: You–you aren’t even going to ask me what’s wrong?
Elrond: No, because frankly, I don’t want to know.
Arwen: SOB! You men are so unfeeling! (to herself)I’m going to call Grandma, get her to come here and help out! That’ll teach him!
Elrond: Attention! You shall be the fellowship of the ring!
All but Elrond: SNORE!!!
Elrond: WAKE UP!!!!
(The ceiling trembles; they all bolt awake)
Elrond: You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring!
Boromir: Excuse me, but who is to be the Ringbearer? I mean, obviously it should be me, but as my dad says, there are cruel men out there who–
Aragorn: Didn’t you read the books? Your dad’s a madman!
Boromir: Gasp! You will NOT call my father a madman!
Aragorn: I just did! He is! And I shouldn’t wonder if it runs in the family!
(They both start to yell again)
Pippin: (runs out with Merry) Excuse me, but what’s going on here?
(They all ignore him. He spots the horn of Gondor sitting on Boromir’s chair) Cool! A horn! I’ve always wanted to blow one, but Merry won’t share his! (He blows the horn) PAP-PAARP!!!
Legolas: ARGH! The horror! My elven ears will never be the same again!
(Pippin blows the horn again, he faints)
Boromir: ARGH! Young hobbit, GIVE ME MY HORN!!!!!
(Pippin blows it again)
Elrond: Oh! My elven nerves! The horror! (He faints as well)
Boromir: GIVE IT HERE!!!!! DEBT AND…. uh…. uh….. DARK….. THINGS TO YOU, HALFLING!!!!
(Pippin backs against the ring table and sets the horn down with one hand still clutching it)
Elrond: (with a microphone) THE RING MUST BE DESTROYED!!
Gimli: Well, what are we waiting for? (He tries to axe the ring again, but instead axes Boromir’s horn. A crack about an inch long appears in it.)
Pippin: (blows it again) See? Nothing wrong! (hehe!)
Boromir: Phew! Sounds a little out of tune…(Suddenly he spots Merry in a corner blowing his horn while Pippin pretends to blow Boromir’s obviously broken one)
Pippin: Merry! It’s working!
Merry: (Sees Boromir coming up behind Pippin. He is now resembling an angry bull.) I know it’s working! Run!
(They both flee for their lives, Pippin still clutching the horn)
Elrond: Gandalf, you’re a wizard. Will you please revive that elf?
Gandalf: (Grins maliciously) Sure…
(He opens Legolas’ pack and begins to quietly empty his shampoo bottles)
Legolas: NOOOO!! They’re mine! ( He snatches the shampoo bottles and stares wide-eyed at Gandalf) You want them for yourself, don’t you?
Gandalf: BILBO BA– er, LEGOLAS GREENLEAF!!! DO NOT TAKE ME FOR SOME CHEAP CONJURER OF TRICKS!! I AM NOT TRYING TO ROB YOU!!!!
Legolas: They’re mine, I tell you. Mine! (He begins stroking the bottles) They’re mine… my own…. My preciousssss!!
Bilbo: That was my line, you line-stealer!
Gollum: (weeping) Linesssss….my preciousssss….double line ssstealerssss….my preciousssss…! Gollum, gollum!
Gimli: Ha-ha! Now’s my chance to save the ring from the hands of these creeps AND show up the blond elf! (He axes the ring; it splits in two)
Elrond: What? Hey… isn’t that my wedding ring? Frodo?
(He opens palm to reveal one ring inside. He stares wide eyed at Elrond, who is now resembling an angry bull, and is also blocking his way. He grabs at Frodo… but he isn’t there! Frodo slipped on the ring, leapt over Elrond, and is now running down the hall.)
Bilbo: Action stealer!
Elrond: THIEF!! BAGGINS!! WE HATES HIM! WE HATES HIM FOREVER!!
Gollum: Triple line sssstealerssss! STUPID FAT HOBBITS, and now nassssty, cruel elvesessssss!! Gollum, gollum!
(Meanwhile, Merry and Pippin have taken several wrong turns and are now hopelessly lost in the seemingly endless corridors of Rivendell.)
Pippin: We are losssst!
Gollum: Not another ssstupid, fat hobbit! Line sssstealer!
Pippin: (He thinks it’s Merry) I’m not fat! I’m a very well rounded hobbit!
Gollum: We could tell, oh yes, precious! Well rounded indeed!
Pippin: Merry, how dare you call me–
Gollum: My preciousss…
Pippin: (Turns and sees Gollum) Ick! RUN!!!
(They flee with Gollum just behind, turn a corner and…)
Merry: A DEAD END?!
Pippin: Not quite! Look! A door!
( They run down, open the door, shut it, and lean against it, panting. Suddenly, they hear the sounds of weeping and see two figures, one seated, the other standing, across the room.)
Arwen: SOB! It was mummy’s necklace, too! Stupid men! SOB, SOB!
(Suddenly they see the two hobbits…)
Pippin: Hey! Cool! A bowl of water! Wow, I can see things in it!
Galadriel: (turns green) WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY MIRROR!?
Pippin: ARGH! S-S-S-S-SCARY!!! (He drops the horn into the mirror in shock)
Merry: Pip! The horn!
Pippin: oops… (Fishes it out)
Galadriel: NO! DO NOT TOUCH THE WATER! (She turns an even scarier shade of green and snatches the mirror)
Pippin: (really scared) Will I shrivel up and die?
Galadriel: No! You’ll pollute it! Here, Arwen, hold this while I remove my elven ring and return to normal.
Merry: Look, Pippin, the horn! Not a crack in it!
Pippin: Hmm… I wonder… (Puts the horn to his lips)
Galadriel: No! Not in the presence of the lady of light!
Pippin: Looks like her light just went out!
Galadriel: (Suddenly reviving) WHAT WAS THAT!??!!! (turns green)
Pippin and Merry: RUN!
Back at the council room…
Frodo has fled, invisible, and Elrond has run after him.
Boromir: Rats! There went my big chance!
Aragorn: Ha! Fat chance! According to the book–
Boromir: Will you be quiet about your book?
Aragorn: Well, just because you’ve never read it–
Boromir: Yeah, yeah, well if you’re so smart, does my horn get broken??
Aragorn: Well, no…
Boromir: See? That just goes to show that your book is a phony! Ha! And if some clumsy oaf of a dwarf hadn’t tried to destroy the prec–er, the ring, I’d still have my horn!
Aragorn: Oh, will you shut up?
Boromir: I WANT MY HORN!! (He starts pitching a fit)
Aragorn: Boy, are you spoiled!
Boromir: I AM NOT!!!
Aragorn: Well, you’re certainly argumentative!
Boromir: I AM NOT!!!!
Meanwhile, Merry and Pippin…
Galadriel: So my light’s out, huh?
Merry: You and your big mouth!
(They run past the invisible Frodo, who runs into Galadriel, bowling her over. Merry and Pippin knock into Elrond.)
Elrond: Gasp! Mother-in-law!
Frodo: (He pulls off the ring) This matrix creep tried to steal the ring!
Galadriel: I told you they would all fall for the ring!
Frodo: Uh, Galadriel, I think you’re a little ahead. You don’t say that until Chapter 7 of the second part of the first book, and we’re only in chapter t–GALADRIEL?? WHAT ON EARTH—?
Galadriel: Middle Earth, if you please. Now, what’s this about a matrix creep?
(So, while Galadriel gives Elrond what for, Merry and Pippin escape, and come back to the council room, where the men, elves, and dwarves are still arguing.)
Aragorn: …you will NOT ridicule my future steward!
Boromir: Who? Faramir? But- but -but he’s the youngest!
Aragorn: So? According to a chapter in the third book, appropriately titled “The Steward and the King,” it says FARAMIR. There is NO mention whatsoever of Boromir or his mad dad. Mad-Dad! Kinda catch–
Boromir: What?! Why, when I get my hands on that pipsqueak, I’ll give him something to squeak about! (He feels a blade on his throat.)
Eowyn: Young man, you are ridiculing my future husband.
Boromir: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPP! Sister-in-law!
Aragorn: Ha! So you have read the books!
Boromir: Well, actually, no. I looked into my dad’s palantir.
Aragorn: Your dad’s WHAT???!!!
Boromir: My dad’s pal–oops! Shouldn’t have told! Erm…
Eowyn: Now, young man, I do occasionally watch ME live and I happened to see you ridicule my future fiancée! So, I decided to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
Boromir: (Looks uncomfortably at the sword on his throat.) Um, so, I’ll… see you next time?
Eowyn: Possibly. Just make sure it doesn’t happen again. ( She disappears)
Boromir: Confound these in-laws!
Aragorn: Ha! I get the pretty elves!
Boromir: At least my in-laws know their daughter’s gonna marry my brother. You DID tell Elrond, right?
Aragorn: Erm… I mean, well, um…
Boromir: You sneak! You filthy, tricky liar!
Aragorn: How dare you call your future king a–
Boromir: Future king? Ha! That’ll be the day!
Aragorn: Oh yeah? Well, you can just forget about being my steward, cause I’m gonna–
Legolas: ARGH!!! (He covers his ears; Gimli smirks.)
Boromir: (Thinking its Merry’s horn) you trickster! Tricksy Massster!!!
Pippin: Master? Well, that’s more like it! So, what’s going on here? A play?
Legolas: What? A play? I remember when I was 50 I won the elfling acting award in the Mirkwood division! Sigh… Goldilocks and the 3 orcs. I remember, my dress was pink with white ruffles and little ribbons in my–
(He notices the weird looks he is getting and stops.)
Gimli: (through hysterical laughter) Goldilocks?
Legolas: Oh, yes. We do it with dwarves too. And men. We class them with orcs, don’t you know. (He yelps as two swords and an axe are pointed at his throat)
A horn: PAP–PAARP!
(They all drop their weapons. Gimli drops his axe on the newly reforged Anduril. It shatters.)
Aragorn: NOOOOOOO!!!!! Fool of a Took! If it weren’t for you and your horn–
Pippin: But it isn’t my horn!
Aragorn: Well–well–well, you blew it, anyway.
Pippin: But I didn’t!
A horn: PAP–PAARP!!
Boromir: That is no horn of Gondor!
(Haldir and a procession of elves enter. Elrond enters. His clothes and hair are mussed and his face looks like someone pounded it rather violently.)
Elrond: What on earth?
Haldir: I bring a message from Elrond of Rivendell. An Alliance–
Elrond: I AM Elrond of Rivendell.
Haldir: Whoops! Sorry, wrong movie! Retreat! We make for Helm’s Deep!
Aragorn: Um… Haldir, at the rate you’re going, you should be thankful for the extra half movie you have to get there!
Aragorn: Because you’re going north!
Haldir: Oh… sorry.
(He sees the furious look on Elrond’s face and quickly leaves. Frodo comes in with Galadriel, wearing a very self-satisfied expression.)
Pippin: Um, Elrond, I don’t mean to be rude, but what happened to you?
Elrond: Oh, well, I just was standing there, and Frodo and Galadriel tripped and both fell on me. Yeah, that’s it!
Frodo: Well, actually, he tried to take the ring, and Galadriel, um, made him pay, by… (Makes swoops with his fists and kicks a few times to illustrate.)
Aragorn: Psst! Arwen!
Arwen: Yes, honey?
Aragorn: Um, could you fix my sword? Quick, before your dad sees!
Arwen: Sure, oh, and here’s your necklace.
Arwen: Well, Pippin dropped the horn into Granny’s mirror and it came out good as new, so I thought…
Aragorn: Oh! While you’re at it with fixing my sword, could you fix this pretty ring I found? I’ve been meaning it for an engagement ring, so you can keep it after you fix it.
Arwen: Where Have I seen this before…?
Elrond: (Turns and sees them. Fortunately he does not see the broken Anduril, but he does see…) Vilya! My precious elven ring! Where have you been hiding? (He starts stroking it.)
Pippin and Merry: Ewwww…..
Gimli: Hey– I thought I asked you about that, you liar!
Pippin: I’m hungry! When’s this thing gonna end!
Elrond: Well, it seems to be decided that I’m the Ringbearer, but–
Frodo: You’ve already got a ring, selfish! Galadriel, tell him!
Galadriel: I forbid you to take the ring! ( She reaches out and pinches his cheek)
Elrond: OW!! Alright, alright! You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring!
Gandalf: Excuse me, but I do not want that ring-hungry mortal on MY team!
Aragorn: Be patient, will you? He’ll get killed in another half a book or so!
Aragorn: Well, how else could Tolkien kill him off? It’s either this or him becoming the steward on Gondor, or, even worse, Sauron II.
Gandalf: Alright, alright. But under protest.
Arwen: (Runs in with sword) Here you go, sweetie!
Aragorn: Arwen! Look out!
(She trips on Gimli’s axe, which is still lying on the floor, and cuts half of Legolas’ hair off.)
Legolas: My beautiful hair! Curse you, you filthy, good for nothing dwarf!
Gimli: Hey, it was the she-elf, not me!
(He draws his bow; Gimli picks up his axe. Aragorn tries to keep them apart but ends up drawing Anduril .)
Pippin: Ahem! It is time to leave!
Boromir: Great! I always blow my horn when I leave–wait a sec! My horn! It’s broken! NOOOOO!!!!!
Aragorn: Here we go again!
Elrond: Slow should you be to wind that horn Bor–er, Peregrin, until you stand on the borders of your own country and great need is upon you.
Pippin: Yes, but I always blow my horn when starting a journey, and though I may walk in darkness later on, I will not go forth as a thief in the night.
Boromir: You’ve stolen my horn, and now you just stole my line! Thief! Give me back my horn!
Pippin: Oh, no! I’m keeping this!
Galadriel: You will not! Not in the presence of the lady of light!
Pippin: Oh, yeah?
(Galadriel turns a scary shade of green.)
Pippin: Here you go, Boromir!
Elrond: Alright, FINALLY, you shall be the Fellowship of the Ring!
Pippin: Great! So, where are we going?