yet another twist on the infamous prologue – it’s….a little bit….funny

by Sep 15, 2003Other News

We’re on top of the world…

Translation: (I amar prestar aen…) The world is changed…

The water is frozen…

Translation: (Han mathon ne nen…) I feel it in the water…

The ground is frozen…

Translation: (Han mathon ne chae…) I feel it in the earth…

The air is frozen too, eh?

Translation: (A han nostron ned wilith…) I smell it in the air…

We can’t seem to find the Ol’ Stanley

Translation: Much that once was is lost.

It’s been a looooooooooooooooooooooong time…

Translation: For non now live to remember it.

Back awhile, some crazy canucks got hold of some hot metal, eh?

Translation: It began with the forging of the great rings

Gave three O’ their ringers to the french…those lovers of sweets, cheese, and hockey.

Translation: Three were given to the elves: Immortal, wisest, and fairest of all.

Seven were shipped out west, eh? where those cowboys still ride bulls and broncs for fun.

Translation: Seven to the dwarf lords: Great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls.

And another nine were given to the newfies, those funny fishermen who wanted bigger boats.

Translation: and nine, nine were gifted to the race of men, who above all else, desire power.

Inside those rings was an entire parliament, but they got their tuques pulled over their eyes, cause another round of poutine was divyed up.

Translation: For within these rings was bound the strength and will to govern each race. But they were, all of them, decieved for another ring was made.

In that wasteland where you can’t grow maple trees, that crazy ballyrag Sauron got all gowdy and beat them at their own game,eh?

Translation: In the land of Mordor in the fires of Mount Doom, the dark lord Sauron forged, in secret, a master ring.

Well he got all grumpy and pulled out the scarves and mounties before packing the Tortière.

Translation: And into this ring he poured his cruelty, his malice, and his will to dominate all life.

One ref to watch the players.

Translation: One ring to rule them all.

It was like back in 1812 eh? and most folk did a Don Cherry and put on the plaid.

Translation: But there were some who resisted. A last alliance of men and elves marched against the armies of Mordor.

And the face-off for the freedom of middle earth began at that ol’ Rock Doom.

Translation: And on the slopes of Mount Doom, they fought for the freedom of Middle-earth.

Ol’ Stanley wasn’t far eh? but that moody ring wrecked the play.

Translation: Victory was near, but the power of the ring could not be undone.

* * * * *
Sauron appears madder than a moose with measels, eh? and his little orcses are all around him.

Men & Elves: GROUP HUDDLE!!!!!!

Man: Right, so here’s the deal, we gotta make the play before time runs out if we want to get that ring…there’s no other way, is there?

Elf: Afraid Not….It is a bleak truth, but we gotta do it…Let’s Go!!!

ODD COMMENTATOR: Here they are, ready for the final face-off! All of middle-earth is on edge for this final play! And there’s the whistle! Look at them go! The men and elves definitely get the points for effort! Sauron passes the puck….no wait, the ring…Sorry….It’s Orc # 12! to Orc #99! Wow! What a play! It’s back to Sauron again! OOOOOOOOOH! That was rough! The King of Gondor just got crosschecked into the boards…Ouch! They are getting beaten bad here, folks! Wait a Sec! Would you look at that!!!!
* * * * *
In the slap of a beaver’s tale, when all the fishbait was off the fly, Isildur grabbed his Dad’s hockey stick and made the winning goal.

Translation: It was in this moment, when all hope had faded, that Isildur, son of the King,took up his father’s sword.

That puffing-pig Sauron got the ol’ Sorel.He was kicked out of the igloo and eaten by a polar bear.

Translation: Sauron, the enemy of the free-peoples of Middle-Earth,was defeated.

Isildur took the cake but left the candles and he ate way too much beef.In the end, some mad timbits ambushed Isildur, eh?

Translation: The ring passed to Isildur, who had this one chance to destroy evil forever, but the hearts of men are easily corrupted. And the ring of power has a will of it’s own. It betrayed Isildur to his death.

They lost the potatoes and Annie of Green Gables sat down for tea and never left.

Translation:And some things that should not have been forgotten were lost. History became legend, legend became myth, and for two and a half thousand years, the ring passed out of all knowledge.

Then Wayne Gretzky took the chance but lost his skates, eh?

Translation: Until when chance came, it ensared a new bearer.

Lookee me old maple love!

Translation: My Precious…

That gollum guy won the game,eh? and so he moved into the rockies to hide from the fans.

Translation: The ring passed to the creature Gollum, Who took it deep into the tunnels of misty mountains.

And there they had dinner with a couple of caribou and a curly horned sheep.

Translation: And there it consumed him.

Me maple sweets love is mine,eh?

Translation: It came to me, my own, my precious…

Gollum watched a lot of Hockey Night in Canada but he got sick of reruns in the off season so he watched the fish instead.

Translation: The ring brought to Gollum unatural long life. for five hundred years it poisoned his mind and in the gloom of Gollum’s cave, it waited.

It was like winter in Rupert’s land eh? and the east looked pretty dark….Red Green couldn’t even handy-man anything for it! But it was time for some bannock. Gollum wasn’t any fun so he got bluenosed.

Translation: Darkness crept back into the forest of the world. Rumour grew of a shadow in the east, whispers of a nameless fear. And the ring of power perceived its time had now come. It abandoned Gollum.

But the ring went looking for a loonie, what a nignog.

Translation: But something happened then that the ring did not intend.

It got swallowed by a funny lobster.

Translation: It was picked up by the most unlikely creature.

Ooooh! What’s it I found????

Translation: (what’s this?)

Ah! A ring eh?

Translation: A ring?

Nooooooo! Me old maple! Me goldie! AAAAAAAAH! Me sugary sweets!

Translation: Gollum’s cries in the background

The clock is tickin til the heritage game and then the geese will fly south for the winter.

Translation: For the time will soon come when hobbits will shape the fortunes of all….

One ref to watch the players
Two linesmen to guide them
One ref to bring them all
and in the penalty box, time them.
In the land of Canada where all that snow falls.


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