(Farmer Maggot’s cornfield, Sam emerges from the corn onto a path, looks around him, worried.)
Sam: Mr. Frodo?
(begins to walk down the path, breaks into a run)
Sam: Mr. Frodo? Frodo!
(Gandalf comes storming around a bend in the path.)
Gandalf: Have you lost him?
(Sam is quivering in fear, Gandalf picks him up by the neck and shakes him.)
Gandalf: If you’ve lost him, I’ll turn you into a mole and you’ll tear up your own garden, athelas and all!
Gandalf: The cure for Frodo’s wound!
Sam: Frodo! (sobs)
(Yelling is heard from inside the cornfield, Sam gasps and looks wildly at Gandalf.)
Sam: It’s talking, Gandalf! The corn is talking!
(Merry and Pippin jump out of the corn and onto Sam and Gandalf, knocking them down. Pippin’s head gets entangled in Gandalf’s beard.)
Gandalf: Spies of Saruman!
Pippin: (from Gandalf’s beard) Is it snowing? My feet are very cold. But what about second breakfast?
Merry: I don’t think he knows about second breakfasts, Pip.
Pippin: What about shortcuts, and mushrooms?
Merry: I wouldn’t count on it.
(Sam throws Merry off of him, throws Pippin off of Gandalf.)
Sam: I think I’m getting the ‘ang of this!
(Sam tries to pick up Gandalf, Pippin kicks him and falls on top of Gandalf.)
Gandalf: Fool of a Took! Throw yourself on me next time!
(Gandalf rolls over and Merry sees a firework sticking out of his back pocket.)
Merry: (jumping up and down) Fireworks, Gandalf! Fireworks!
(Gandalf lets out a tommy squeaker.)
Sam: What’s that ‘orrid stink? Do you smell it? There must be a nasty bog around here.
Merry: You did it, didn’t you Gandalf?
Gandalf: (scowls at Merry) I suppose you think that was very
Merry: Oh, come on Gandalf, it was just a bit of fun!
Gandalf: There are many tommy squeakers in this world, Meriadoc Brandyboc, and none of them are to be smelled lightly.
Merry: It’s BrandyBUCK.
Pippin: Don’t talk to him, Merry! Don’t encourage him!
Sam: What did you eat before you let out that tommy squeaker, Gandalf?
Gandalf: I was sitting on a field of corn, enjoying a few well earned comforts. The salted pork was pah-tic-you-lally good.
Merry and Pippin: Salted pork? Aaah!
Gandalf: And after that, it gets even better! Festering, stinking marshwiggled as far as the eye can see!
Merry: Where’s Frodo?
Gandalf: I do not know.
Pippin: What does your heart tell you?
Gandalf: That Frodo is alive.
Merry: That’s all? But where is he?
Pippin: I know what you would say, Gandalf, and it would seem like wisdom but for the wohning in my haht.
Merry: You are not yourself, Pippin!
Pippin: Oh, aren’t I? If Frodo’s dead, that means we get all the mushrooms!
Merry: And tomatoes, sausages, and some nice crispy bacon. We’ll leave some for you, Mr. Samwise.
Sam: What we’d need is some nice taters.
Merry: What’s taters, eh?
Pippin: What does your heart tell you?
Merry: This corn is old – and green.
(Gandalf gets up.)
Merry: Where do you think you’re going?
Gandalf: I’m going to consult the head of my order, he is both wide and powerful.
Sam: Of course you are! And I’m comin’ with you!
Pippin: But what about breakfast?
Merry: What we need is a pint.
Pippin: It comes in pints?
Sam: (to Gandalf, who is walking on ahead) ‘Oy, Stinker, don’t get too far ahead!
Gandalf: (covers his ears with his hands) I’m not listening. I’m not listening.
Sam: What are you up to? Sneaking off and sneaking back.
Gandalf: Sneaking! (draws himself up, the sun darkens and the hobbits cower together) Samwise Gamgee! I am not a conjuror of cheap sneaks! I go precisely where I mean to!
(They stare at each other, then burst out laughing. Pippin looks up at the darkened sky.)
Pippin: It is a dark noon.
Sam: I’m going cold!
Gandalf: I think we will risk a little more light.
(The sky lightens. Sam starts to pull out food from his rucksack.)
Gandalf: A long expected party!
Sam: Yes! Half the people here are invited!
(Merry puckers his forehead and tries to figure out if Sam’s statement works out to a compliment. Sam pulls a bowl of peas out and sets it on the ground. Pippin wiggles his eyebrows and grins at them all. He triumphantly pulls out a bag of weed.)
Pippin: Old Toby. The finest weed in the South Farthing.
(Merry grabs the bag from him.)
Merry: You smoke too much, Pippin.
Gandalf: I’ll take that my lad!
(Gandalf reaches for the weed and steps in the peas.)
Sam: ‘Oy, you’ve now been officially labed a Disurber of the Peas! Where’s that weed gone to? I’d not mind a smoke myself.
(Merry hides the bag of weed under his jacket.)
Gandalf: Pippin, you were the last one with it.
Pippin: It wasn’t me! Look! (points at Merry) Crumbs on its jacketses! He took it!
Merry: I did not! Weed doesn’t have crumbs. It couldn’t have been me, no!
Gandalf: Peregrin Took! Hand over that weed by the count of three, or by the flame of Anor I’ll turn you into something unnatural! One…
(Merry looks, horrified at Gandalf, then at Pippin.)
(Pippin covers his eyes with his hands, Merry jumps up.)
Merry: No! No! Don’t do it Gandalf! It was me!
Pippin: (uncovers his eyes and gasps) You lied to me! You’re a liar!
Merry: The fat one, he knew! He suspected us! (pulls out the weed) Take it off us!
Pippin: I will take it!
Gandalf: I will help you to bear this burden, as long as it is yours to bear.
Pippin: What must I do?
Gandalf: All you have to decides is what to do with the weed that is given to you.
Merry: What’s that s’posed to mean?
Sam: It’s a riddle.
Pippin: (strokes chin, faces lights up as he figures it out) Baggins! Sure, I know a Baggins! He comes in pints! Once removed from his mother’s side.
(There is a noise in the grass. Everyone looks with frightened looks at the cornfield.)
Merry: That noise is looking for something, or someone. Frodo?
Pippin: Maybe it’s Farmer Maggot. (cups hands and yells at the cornfield) It was only a couple of carrots!
Gandalf: Get off the road! Quick!
(Everyone jumps into the corn on the other side of the path. Pippin starts to hide, but then runs back to the road and shouts
Pippin: And some cabbages! (turns away, then turns back) And those three bags of potatoes we left here last week! (double takes) And some mushrooms the week before!
(A Black Rider steps out of the cornfield. Pippin is paralysed with fear.)
Black Rider: (brushes hands over Pippin’s eyes) Sleeeeep.
Pippin: I’m dreaming.
Black Rider: Then it is a good dream.
(Sam runs out of the cornfield and stabs the Black Riders toe.)
Sam: The Shire!
(The Black Rider screams and runs back into the cornfield, minus one toe. Merry runs back onto the path and looks around.)
Merry: Gandalf! Gandalf! Is he secret? Is he safe?
Gandalf: (walks slowly out onto the path) Gandalf. Gandalf! That was what they used to call me. Gandalf the Grey. (smiles insanely) I am Gandalf the Half-wit.
Sam: Gandalf! Gandalf! I killed a toe!
Gandalf: You killed a toe? You naughty kitten, now you shall have no pie!
Pippin: Oh, look! The toe is shining!
Gandalf: The light of the evening toe does not wax and wane.
Pippin: What is he saying?
Sam: Look! There’s a worm crawling out of this toe!
Pippin: Ugh! I shouldn’t like to enter it even once!
Sam: Nor me!
Merry: Gandalf, come look at it.
Gandalf: No, never!
Merry: Don’t worry, it’s not that dangerous. (looks the toe up and down) It isn’t even sharp.
Pippin: Still sharp!
Sam: No more than a broken heirloom.
Gandalf: (looks at the toe and leans heavily on his staff) This toe is beyond any of you. Run!
(Gandalf takes off running to the other end of the path, the hobbits look at each other.)
Merry: Mr. Gandalf’s not goin’ anywhere without me!
Sam: ‘Oy, Pippin, carry this pack!
Merry: That’s no trinket you carry.
Pippin: (folds his arms) I carry nothing!
Sam: Indeed? (slaps pack on Pippin’s back and stares him in the eye) You do not know pain, you do not know fear, you will taste man flesh!
Pippin: Man flesh? No, no! Man flesh is our friend!
Sam: You do not have any friends. Nobody likes you.
Merry: Why do you do that?
Merry: Call him names!
(The toe jumps. The hobbits look at it.)
Merry: Crebain from Dunland!
Pippin: It’s not orcs! It’s hobbits!
Sam: Half-toes! Shire-folk!
Merry: Sounds like orc mischief!
Pippin: What has it got in it’s pocketses?
Toe: (in eerie voice) Seek for the toe that was broken:
In cornfield it lies;
There shall be toenails taken,
Stronger than polish dyes.
There shall be toenails broken
For the polish is near at hand,
The toes’ reign shall waken,
And the toes forth shall stand!
(The hobbit scream for Gandalf and run as fast as their ickle legs can take them. There is a rustling in the cornfield, and Frodo falls down with his hand on top of the toe.)
Frodo: (picks up toe) What’s this? A toe!
(A terrible screaming comes from somewhere behind Frodo.)
Black Rider: (in the cornfield) Lost! Lost! Our toooooe! They took it from us! We hates them! Hates them! Forever!
(Frodo jumps up, scared, and puts the toe in his pocket. Then he runs off down the path, following the hobbits – though he doesn’t know it. The Black Rider pops out of the cornfield with two others, and they sniff the ground, clinking their fingers and drooling. They take off after Frodo.)
(Another part of the cornfield – Gandalf is sitting blowing smoke rings, and the rings are all around him so that we can’t see anything but smoke. The hobbits walk wearily into the clearing and see the smoke. They plop down on the ground under the smoke and stare into it.)
Merry: I see mushrooms!
Pippin: I see mushrooms as well!
Merry: What do you see, Sam?
Sam: Rosie Cotton dancing!
Pippin: I see a mine!
Merry: That isn’t a mine, it’s a tomb!
(Gandalf begins to hum to himself, unaware that the hobbits are there.)
Sam: There is foul voice on the air!
Pippin: I see a white beard, and a pipe.
Sam: It’s Sarumaaaaan!
Merry and Pippin: Be quiet, Sam!
Merry: Hey, look at that one!
Pippin: The which?
Merry: The big one! The big one!
Pippin: It looks like it’s in the ground.
Merry: It is in the ground.
Merry: This was my idea!
Merry: What is it?
Sam: Something brushed my hand!
Merry: Don’t worry.
Sam: I do worry!
Pippin: But you shouldn’t, because whatever happened, already happened, which means that it’s in the past, which means, of course, that it’s in the past. And you should never worry about the past, you know, Sam. Because the past, is past. That’s logic.
Merry: Why do you fear the past? You are your father’s hair, not your father himself. You do not share his comb. (reaches over and strokes Sam’s cheek) Oooo, Iii, ooarthee, ooarmee.
Sam: Beggin’ your pardon?
Gandalf: (realises the hobbits are there) Where’s Frodo?
Merry: What is it?
Sam: I heard a voice, in my head.
Merry: A tree! It’s burning!
Pippin: What, do you mean in the smoke?
Gandalf: Where’s Frodo?
Sam: It speaks to me!
Merry: (at the same time as Pippin) I heard it too!
Pippin: Something’s talking!
Gandalf: (sticks his head out over their faces) Fool of hobbits! Where is Frodo?
(The hobbits have covered their eyes in fear.)
Sam: Riders of Rohan!
Merry: State your business!
Pippin: Resistance is futile!
Sam: (opens eyes a crack) What is a wizard-
Pippin: (opens eyes) A wizard?
Merry: (opens eyes) A wizard!
Sam: -doing in the Riddermark?
Gandalf: Samwise Gamgee! Have you lost your wits?
Sam: Yes, you took them, remember, Gandalf the Half-wit? Half of the wit is mine! My own!
Gandalf: That’s been said before, and not by you. I don’t know how long I’ll torture you, but amidst the endless babblings and screams I’ll discern two words-
Pippin: Leaf by Niggle!
Gandalf: Hush! Don’t you know what you sound like?
Sam: (wirls his eyebrows around and sways) They’re here. They’ve come.
Gandalf: It’s Black Riders! You have to fight ’em!
Pippin: I thought they were dead!
Gandalf: No, you cannot kill them!
Pippin: (slams his fist into his hand) I’ll drop eave on ’em!
(marches forward determinedly) I’ll terminate ’em! I’ll sit on ’em and squash ’em into jelly with my brute muscle strength! I’ll-
(Pippin trips and finds himself at the feet of a Black Rider. He looks at the foot and sees that one toe is gone.)
Pippin: (in breathy voice) Whaaat’s this? A toooooe, cut off its foot?
Sam: That toe is still out there!
Pippin: Poor old toe! Poor old toe! (blinks his eyes rapidly) Es he going to die?
Gandalf: We can ask no more of toes.
Pippin: My dear toe. Toes really are amazing creatures. You can learn all there is to know about their ways in a month, and then after you’re dead a hundred years they can still surprise you.
(Black Rider snorts. Pippin looks up his body to his no-face – he doesn’t have a face.)
Pippin: Are you my mother?
(Black Rider snorts. Pippin gasps.)
Pippin: You are not my mother! You are a Snort! (looks around wildly) Where is my mother? Babe! Babe!
Merry: (in a sheep-like voice) He called us all Babe! I’ll ram you! I’ll ram you! The pig’s in a stew! To your stomach, your head, your toe be true! I’ll ram you!
(Black Rider screams. They all put their hands over their ears and huddle together.)
Sam: Goblins! (knocks on Pippin’s head) Attention! Attention! (to the Black Riders) I bid you all a very fond farewell. Goodbye!
(Gandalf and the hobbits start to run away, Pippin and Merry throwing mushrooms into the cornfield to throw the Black Riders off their scent. Frodo’s voice is heard from the direction of the mushrooms.)
Frodo: (in the cornfield, talking to the mushrooms) Good evening little masters. If you’re looking for room, I’ve got plenty of accomodations – in my belly. (in Gollum-ey voice) Very lucky you found us. Nice mushroom! Orcs don’t use you, orcs don’t know you. (one of the mushrooms is thrown far away from Frodo) Don’t follow the lights!
(Black Riders slink off into the cornfield in Frodo’s direction.)
(The edge of the cornfield, with a small pond nearby – the hobbits and Gandalf have sat down on the ground for a breather. Two small birds fly past them.)
Gandalf: Isildur and Anarion, my fathers of old!
(A feather falls from the wing of one of the birds and lands near Gandalf. Gandalf picks it up with a worshipful look.)
Gandalf: My old sword, Sting! (waves it in the air) Light as a feather! (bends it convincingly) And strong as a dragon’s scale!
(The feather snaps. Gandalf pouts, and holds the two halves up for the birds to see.)
Gandalf: Look, Daddy, paste it!
Sam: (peers up at the birds) Uncle? (looks at Gandalf) My lord?
(Gandalf’s beard suddenly disappears. He looks around and sees Sam.)
Gandalf: I know your face.
(Sam smiles with tears in his eyes and kisses Gandalf on the cheek. Merry gasps and pushes Sam away angrily.)
Merry: Stop that! You’ll make him ill, doin’ things lai’ that!
Sam: How daaaaaaaare you take my accent!
(Gandalf strokes his chin and doesn’t feel a beard.)
Gandalf: My beard! (in a very dwarf-like voice, as if seeing the grave of his cousin Balin) Nooooo! Noooooooooo!
(Gandalf crawls around frantically, looking for his beard. Pippin has an ashamed look on his face. He takes a breath and brings out Gandalf’s beard from behind his back.)
Pippin: Your chin might feel some of its old strength if it grasped a beard. And I might say a very long one indeed.
Sam: That was an insult, if you like.
Gandalf: It was a compliment, and therefore, true!
(Gandalf takes his beard reverently from Pippin’s hands and puts it on. Then he looks fiercely at him and growls like a king of Rohan who sees a worm with a tongue. Pippin suddenly falls down on the ground and begins crawling backward. Gandalf takes the end of his beard in his hand and swishes it back and forth menacingly.)
Pippin: I’ve only, ever, seeeerrrrrrved you my lohd!
Gandalf: You had me crawling on all fours like a beast!
(Gandalf raises his beard above his head and starts to bring it down on Pippin, when Merry jumps in the way and bends over, clasping his hands at his knees as if he were a worm with a tongue.)
Merry: I toooold you to take the wizard’s nose! It’s entirely too big for these regions!
Sam: (looks at Gandalf’s nose and nods head vigourously) His nose has grown long.
(Gandalf bends over to hide his nose, and the firework sticks out of his pocket. Merry grabs it and brings it over to Pippin. Just as they hold it up to their faces to look at it, it blows up and they look at each other, their hair standing wildly on end and their faces black with smoke.)
Sam: (claps hands) That was good! Go get another one!
Gandalf: (still hiding his nose) I feel strange. Lighter somehow, like bread scraped over too much butter.
Sam: Gandalf, the firework is not in your pockettt.
Gandalf: (feels pocket) Oh. (smiles and nods, then stands up and looks at Sam) I’ve thought of an ending for my book. (looks over at Merry and Pippin and raises his eyebrows) A long expected blow! (smiles wickedly and walks over to them, grabs their noses and wiggles them back and forth) Your noses will grow looong!
Sam: You’d better wash up.
Pippin: Sam-not-wise Gamgee!
Merry: We’ll wash precisely when we mean to!
Merry and Pippin: Now.
(Merry and Pippin pull their noses out of Gandalf’s hands and walk over to the pond. They look into it and Merry grins.)
Merry: I don’t know what’s happening right now, but we look really handsome!
(Pippin feels his nose, pleased.)
Pippin: Well, I don’t have to wash my nose, anyway. Gandalf’s wiped all the soot off on his fingers, trying to enlargen our noses.
Gandalf: (looks at his fingers, surprised) By Jove! (looks at one hand and says in old Elrond voice as if talking to Gandalf) I was there, Gandalf. (looks at other hand) I was there.
(Gandalf walks over to where Merry and Pippin are washing their faces. They stop to dry off and the water stills, letting the reflections be seen. Gandalf sees his face and points at it, surprised.)
Gandalf: The watcher in the water! (looks at each hand in turn) Be on your guard! There are older, and fouler things than soot in the deep places of the Shire.
(Gandalf washes his fingers off and looks up to the next field where stands a bale of hay by a rock. Gandalf’s eyes open wide and he points at the hay.)
Gandalf: A bale-rock! A demon of the ancient hay!
Sam: Come on, Gandalf, time to get up!
Gandalf: (waves arms wildly at Sam) Do not tempt me! (puts his hand on his heart) I shall have such need of strength, so soon.
Sam: Come on, let’s go, MerryPippin.
Merry and Pippin: MerryPippin?
Sam: Well, seein’ as you’re always together, I thought I might as well call your names together.
Gandalf: You see? (point from one to the other and sings) You are he as you are he as you are you and we are all togethe-e-er. (gets up and flaps his arms while running around in a circle) See how we fly like Lucy in the sky (runs) see ho-o-w we run. (stubs his toe and falls down) I’m cry–ying. I’m cry———-n! I’m cry-y-ying. I’m cry————-n!
(frowns and pulls out a corn cob from under him) Sitting on a corn cob! Waiting for the toe to come. (sees Frodo running towards them, the Black Riders following) Corporation Riders, chasing hobbit Frodo, (looks at fingers) man, you’ve been naughty boys, you let your nail grow long.
(Merry and Pippin clutch each other, then look at one another.)
Merry: Brandywine Bridge! Twenty miles!
(They run off but fall in the pond. Pippin sits up and scoops up a handful of water, letting it fall slowly.)
Pippin: Things that weeerrrre, things that aaare, and some thinggggs- (he runs out of water, starts to splash) that have not yet come to past.
Merry: (popping out of the water) You said not to worry about the past.
Pippin: I did.
Merry: More than anything.
Pippin: I do! It’s just-
(Frodo yells as the Black Riders almost catch him. Sam runs to his rescue and a Black Rider picks him up and throws him into the cornfield. Merry jumps on top of Pippin’s shoulders from fright, and Frodo runs towards them. Pippin gasps.)
Pippin: No! I’m not at home!
(Frodo makes a huge slow-motion jump onto Merry’s shoulders. They stand.)
Gandalf: (claps hands) Hoo-rah!
Pippin: Oh, oh! These confounded relatives, hanging on my shoulders! They never give me a moment’s peace!
Merry: Pippin, what is it? Who’s on me?
Pippin: It’s Frodo Baggins.
Merry: (looks up and smiles crookedly) Hello, Frodo.
(Frodo doesn’t answer, as he’s trying to keep his balance. Merry puckers his forehead worriedly.)
Merry: Pip, are you sure it’s Frodo?
Pippin: Well he’s not some halftoe from loudfoot, is he.
Merry: (looks up and smiles crookedly) Hello, Frodo.
(The hobbits teeter, totter, and fall with a splash. Frodo sits up.)
Frodo: I fall down!
Merry: (sits up and peers at the noonday sky) The stars are veiled. Curiouser and curiouser! (looks around and sees Pippin under the water) He is here!
(Sam runs out of the cornfield and dives into the water, pulling Pippin out. Pippin comes to for a second and looks up at Sam.)
(Pippin passes out. Sam starts to cry and rock him back and forth.)
Sam: I made a pr’mise! A pr’mise!
Gandalf: (waggles fingers at Sam) Don’t you leave him, Pippin Gamgee! (looks at fingers) And I don’t mean to.
(The Black Riders approach.)
Black Riders: We wants it! We wants it! The Toe! The Toe!
Sam: No! You won’t touch ‘im, you filth! Go back to the Shire!
Black Riders: We are innn the Shire.
Sam: What? What did you say?
Gandalf: They said, uh, que pasa?
Black Riders: Ooh! Do it again!
Gandalf: Que pasa! Que pasa, que pasa, que pasa! Estoy hablando espanoley. (pulls out a piece of bread) Oh! Es pan!
(The Black Riders approach Pippin.)
Sam: Gandalf, what’s the elvish word for corn?
Gandalf: Uhhhh, corn.
Sam: (stands up and yells in a very commanding voice) CORN!
(Something happens now the Riders did not intend. They are thrown about, by the most unlikely thing imaginable: corn.
All of the corn cobs suddenly leap out of their stalks and assume the shapes of horses, then run over the Black Riders, sweeping them away to the Blue. Sam stands looking at what he has done, his extra large red lips quivering.)
Frodo: (feels his pocket) I say, I’ve got a lump in my pocket.
Sam: (in breathy voice) No, Frodo! Not now!
Frodo: (pulls out the toe) Welcome, Toe Stormcrow! You who have seen- uh… You who have seen- I say, I’ve got a toe handy. Anybody want an extra toe?
Gandalf: Oh, me, me, me!
Frodo: Here you are.
(Frodo gives Gandalf the Toe and he jumps happily around with it.)
Gandalf: Merry, Merry, quite contrary-
Gandalf: How do your toenails grow?
With silver polish and cockle polish,
O! Pretty toes, all in a row!
(Gandalf suddenly sits down on the ground and stares at the toe.)
Gandalf: I wish the toe had never come to me. I wish none of this had ever happened.
(Pippin wakes up, though his head is still swimming from the fall. He looks at Frodo and sees several Frodos blurring around.)
Pippin: Where’s Frodo? Where’s Frodo?
Merry: Which Frodo is not like the other?
(Pippin looks up at Sam.)
Pippin: That one.
Sam: Don’t you know me? I am Sam. Sam I am!
Gandalf: Saaaamy I ammy! Oh! I looked through the door
and what did I hear?
And what does that mean?
Coooorny I ammy!
Gandalf and the hobbits: Sitting in a Shire cornfield,
waiting for the toe.
If the toe don’t come
we get a tan from sitting in the
Gandalf: I am the wizard!
Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin: Wooo!
Gandalf: I am the wizard!
Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin: Wooo!
Gandalf, Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin: We are the toe men!
(They all scratch the toe under its chin.)
Gandalf, Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin: Koochy, koochy, koochy!
(The end – part two)
Gandalf: I’ve thought of an ending for my book! “The End.” Ha ha!
Sam: That’s not too good, is it Gandalf?
Gandalf: I’ve thought of an ending for my book! “And he lived happily ever after.” Ha ha!
Merry: (pulls out knife) I doubt it.
Pippin: (takes knife away) But maybe.
(The end – part three)
Farmer Maggot: Say, what’s everyone doing in my field?
(The end – the end)