top ten list – hilarious

by Jun 30, 2003Other News

Top Ten Ways to Annoy a Wizard (leaflock347)

10. Insist that someone with “intelligence” must be included in the company (and unfortunately you mean yourself . . .)

9. Complain about the rations of food at Minas Tirith, the “small loaf” of bread, and the “inadequate pat of butter.” Never mind the devastating siege going on – a hobbit deserves a decent breakfast!

8. Take part in encouraging a usually “un-hasty” group of Ents to rise up against their unpleasant neighbor.

7. Map? Who needs to memorize a map? Sure, there are tons of them here in Rivendell, but why waste my time on something boring like that? Who cares that I will probably travel all over Middle Earth before all is done, I’m sure to always be with someone responsible, like Gandalf or Strider . . . right?

6. Greet your long lost friend, who has transformed into the awe-inspiring White Rider, amid the ruins of Isengard, hardly able to utter a sound due to your great joy. (Ok, perhaps this doesn’t deserve an irritated response, but bear in mind Wizards can be quite temperamental. Especially during tense moments on the battlefield.)

5. Steal a secret stash of pipeweed (Longbottom leaf – the 1417 crop, mind you) and proceed to mockingly enjoy a smoke amid the ruins of the Isengard fortress.

4. Request the names of all the stars, and all of the living things, and the whole history of Middle Earth, and Over-heaven, and of the Sundering Seas to quench your inquisitiveness.

3. “But I should still like to know . . .”

2. On a whim, drop a stone into a really deep well and wait to see how long it will take to hit the bottom. Make sure that you are in a dark, deathly still place, preferably long deserted by any goodly folk. An ancient dwarf kingdom long overrun by orcs and Balrogs would be ideal.

1. Maybe I’ll just take one peep into that cool looking stone. I can’t sleep anyway. I’ll just put a stone under his arm in its place. Yeah, that’s it! Just one look. No one will ever notice . . . “

Top ten things Grima should have chucked out of Orthanc: (by Gchild)

1. Saruman

2. “How I Plan to Conquer Middle Earth in Three Easy Steps”

3. Saruman’s other robes, with the lovely lace trim and shear pantyhose to match – and those heels, they could do some damage

4. An Entwife or two

5. The very last of the Pipeweed

6. Saruman’s work in progress – “Ten Things I Hate About Gandalf”

7. His collection of StarWars memoribilia

8. ‘Save our Planet: Natural Fuel Alternatives for Underground Machinery’

9. A really big heavy rock

10. The keys”

“Top ten ways to kill:

1. An Orc: Dangle a rare and valuable treasure over a deep bottomless chasm. Alternatively, suggest to it’s neighbour that the orc in question is spreading trecherous rumours while handing said neighbour a blade.

2. A Balrog: Use a really powerful firehose.

3. A Nazgul: If there’s mud handy are you’re rather inconspicuously small, make like a worm and wriggle. Only attempt this if there is a mighty warrior woman present to back you up.

4. A Dark Winged Creature: Get it to stick it’s neck out, and swing!

5. A Warg: Let off a lot of spark-producing fireworks. NB: keeping a wizard handy is often a fruitful encumberence.

6. A Giant Overgrown Spider: Tell Sauron it ate his Ring

7. Gollum: Do not refrain from telling group about his following them. Do not refrain from shooting yellow glowing eyes in the dark. Do not untie at his request after capture. Do not pretend you did not hear him arguing with himself over killing dearest companion to reclaim Ring. Do not rescue from Faramir or Faramir’s men. Do not allow to wander off and get fish. Do sacrifice finger and Ring to him while standing at Crack of Doom.

8. Saruman: Be polite. Do not kill him. Allow him to leave Orthanc with slave. Offer him forgiveness and friendship. Give him his pipeweed back. Make further offers of forgiveness and friendship. Do not kill him, again. Lose him. Find him in Hobbiton under alias ‘Sharkey.’ Still refrain from kililng him. Allow him to walk away. Watch as he dies as a result of you doing nothing.

9. Wormtongue: All at once, shoot him mercilessly in the back after he’s just committed the greatest and most honourable deed of his career.

10. Sauron: Blow up Middle Earth”

Top Ten exclamations of Illuvatar as he watches from above:

1.(of Gollum at Mt. Doom) “Finally done, hooray! Yet unbelievable! He finally gets his prescious back, and then topples into Orodruin … What a klutz!”

2.(of Gandalf’s death in Moria) “Hmm, guess I’ll have to take charge of things now. And just as a payback for his bravado, I’m gonna send him back in his birthday suit. (hehehe)”

3.(To the entire fellowship)” Climb Caradhras? That’s the wrong way! Oh well, I may as well take a little nap then, cause this is going to be a complete waste of time.”

4.(at the Black Gate) “The Mouth of Sauron? Where’s the rest of him, the coward! Sau-ron, Sau-ron, Sau-ron …”

5.(Shelob’s lair) “No, no, Nooooo! There’s a big nasty spider in there! Go back! Don’t … Uh oh. Eww! Too late.”

6.(of Bombadil) Hey, who is that guy? I don’t remember him being on my ‘Create beings’ list …

7.(In Fangorn) ” Easy with the ent-draughts, Treebeard! Hobbits are supposed to be short!”

8.(Of Gandalf at Moria) “Say ‘friend’!!!! It’s right there on the door! (heavy sigh). That Bilbo answered all kinds of complicated riddles, yet my best wizard can’t figure out a simple thing as this?!”

9.(Of Frodo at Weathertop)” Take off the ring! Take it off! Look out for the blade … Yeouch! Hmm, that had to really hurt.”

10.(The Grey Havens) “Oh, this is soooo sad! Be strong, my children. No, Sam! Oh, don’t cry! Rosie is waiting, and all is well now …” (Try as he might, his tears of both sorrow and joy fall, eventually causing in a night of rain as Frodo first beholds the white shores and a far green country …)


I got these from . Enjoy !


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