TOLKIEN: COUNTRY MUSIC FAN
“Lewis popped in yesterday, seeking not for the first time to convert me to the camp of Madonna devotees, but of course I would have none of it. I have always been, and shall ever be, devoted exclusively to American country music, the influence of which has greatly coloured all my work. Indeed I may say that, had it not been for Dolly Parton and the endless inspiration which I have derived from her art, I should never have taken my protagonists much beyond Rivendell…”
-J.R.R. Tolkien, 1953
In light of this famous quote, I have written this country ditty which I hope will be brought to the attention of the filmmakers. The song is sung by Frodo. The chorus is provided by the Fellowship, which accompanies itself on washboards, moonshine jugs, etc.
There’s rings around the bathtub,
And around my cryin’ eyes;
There’s rings on fancy napkins,
And there’s onion rings and fries;
There’s rings that says you’ve gotten hitched,
Or won the Super Bowl;
But here’s the Ring that whups ’em all,
A-whuppin’ on my soul!
It’s whuppin’, whuppin’, whuppin’
On this hobbit’s hobbit-soul!
It’s whuppin’ him from Rivendell to Mordor!
His furry feet are achin’,
And it’s takin’ quite a toll!
Too bad he hasn’t got a Chevy 4-door!
I got it (on my birthday)
From a crazy, rich relation
Who stuck me with the Rulin’ Ring
That saves or sinks Creation;
I’ll tote ‘er to the Cracks o’ Doom
And see if I can ditch ‘er;
I wish I was Tom Bombadil,
‘Cause he ain’t in this pitcher!
He stuck him with the Rulin’ Ring
That made a wreck o’ Gollum!
It’s purty, but it’s meaner than Lobelia!
And if it gets ya roped and tied,
The doctors (if they call ’em)
Will say there ain’t an HMO can heal ya!
I ain’t no hero (‘cept compared
With prancin’ Elven sissies)
And yet I’m on a mission fit
For Jason or Ulysses;
So do some thinkin’, buckaroos,
Before ya call it simple:
Adventures ain’t for pudgy guys
The size o’ Shirley Temple!
He’s sized like Shirley Temple,
But his guts are like Godzilla’s!
He spits his chaw on anybody’s turf!
Who cares about his pointy ears
And tootsies like chinchillas?
He’ll deck ya if ya treat him like a Smurf!
To learn what happens, read the books,
‘Cause they has got the answer:
We’ll shuck this evil joolery,
We’ll whup the Necromancer;
The king’ll take his fancy throne;
The folks’ll wave his banner;
But as for me, I’ve learnt I won’t
Be playin’ no pianer!
He’ll never play pianer!
No, he’ll have a finger swallered!
But him and us’ll make us each a million!
We’ll buy up half o’ Valinor,
‘Cause now they got us collared
To star in New Line’s Nashville Silmarillion!