Interviewer (I): Hello and welcome to the double interviews with characters from J.R.R Tolkien’s famous Lord of the Rings and Peter Jackson’s films based on the books, which means we’ll be interviewing two characters every session. Today we’re interviewing two wizards. Hello, so glad you could come. What’s your name?
Gandalf (G): I’m Gandalf the Grey, also called Mithrandir among the elves, Tharkun to the dwarves, Olorin in my youth, and to the south…
Saruman (S): Enough already! How many names does an aging dotard need? I’m Saruman the White…er, Saruman the Many-Colored, er…what was I?
G: Saruman the Wizard Cast Out of the White Council with Broken Staff.
S: Why yes, that’s me…HEY!!
I: (quickly) So, you are Gandalf the wise…
G: Even the very wise cannot see all ends.
I: …quite so, and famous wizard of which much is seen in the movies. What did you do before you became a mighty wizard?
G: I was an only child. I spent most of my youth as a keeper of peace in my family, whilst Saruman was still playing truant in the woods, probably breeding squirrels and hedgehogs in some primitive corner. My father was a wizard and my mother was an elf and they were always arguing over whose magic was better. Then one day it happened.
S and I: What?
G: He came. One of the Maia came and told me that I had been accepted into Hogwarts’ School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Saruman was invited too, though I’m not sure why. It was there that we learned everything we now know. After I graduated, I journeyed back to Middle-earth told everyone that I had been sent as a messenger from the Maia and did much while Saruman…
S: Excuse me, but I’ll tell my own story, thank you very much. After I graduated, I didn’t go and spend my days with Halflings and halfwits. I built myself a fine tower called…
G: The Eiffel?
S: No, you old fool, Orthanc of course. It was a fine white tower and soon all came to respect me because of it. I soon abandoned the hopeless world of men and everyone else to their fates and joined forces with goblins and Wargs. I also fashioned for myself a crystal ball through which I could oversee…
G: You did not! Those are the seeing-stones of Númenor and were much too powerful to be created by you or even Sauron. Stop telling blasted lies and get your story straight or I’ll use my staff to fix your brains.
S: How rude! Very well, so I just sort a found the stone and looked in it and met up with the Eye.
I: Ah yes, the deceiving Eye of Sauron. And he ordered you to make war on the Rohirrim by creating an army of mutant goblins. How did you go about doing that?
S: Ah yes, my superior fighting Uruk-Hai. We’ll have no more of these rumors about my breeding goblin men and orcs. It was a very complex spell and it took many days and many guinea goblins before I finally got the results I wanted. I won’t bore you with the details…
G: Thank you!
S: But I will say this: any other such dark magic had never before been tried.
I: And what did you think of your defeat at Helm’s Deep?
S: It was a tragic day for me. Not only did I learn that Gandalf had come back from the dead, I learned that I was defeated by a bunch of walking trees. The humiliation!
G: Quite so, but after you hurled me against the wall, my back was never quite right, so I personally felt no pity for you. By the way, I wouldn’t call them trees, I’d…
Treebeard: Tree! I am no tree, I am an Ent.
G: Yes, he’s dreadfully sorry about that. He’s not very smart, you know, so you’ll have to forgive him. Why don’t you go off and plant yourself or something? (Treebeard leaves)
I: Gandalf, what did you think was the most powerful scene that you were in?
G: The Battle with the Balrog! Such a magnificent fight has yet to be witnessed.
S: (snorts derisively)
G: No, seriously. Let’s just show a quick flashback of that scene just to show the great power of it. This’ll only take a minute.
(flashback to the Bridge of Khazad-Dum)
G: You cannot pass! I am a servant of the secret fire, wielder of the flame of Anor. The dark power cannot avail you, flame of Undun! Go back to the shadow. YOU SHALL NOT PASS!
(strikes the bridge with his staff. The staff shatters into a million pieces. The bridge does nothing. Gandalf is left staring stupidly at the Balrog)
Balrog: HA!!!!HA!!!! HA!!!! HA!!!! HA!!!! HA!!!! HA!!!!
G: Oh yeah, we’ll see about that. (pulls out a huge bazooka, aims it at the Balrog and pulls the trigger. There is a blinding flash of light and a massive explosion. After the smoke clears, the bridge and Gandalf are both gone and the Balrog is still standing there. End flashback)
Everyone in room: (laugh hysterically)
G: Yes, well, that was rather embarrassing. Someone seems to have fouled up the tape. (glares at Saruman) But rest assured the real event was quite different.
I: Did you approve of your resurrection?
G: It was a bit too flashy. Being so old, the bright lights hurt my eyes, but it was certainly glorious. I, Gandalf the Grey, had come back as Gandalf the White so I could beat up poor Sorry-man. Well, that’s the real reason, but I had to say that my task was not yet finished because that was expected.
S: My name is Saruman and I resent everything you just said.
I: How did you feel, Saruman, about being written out of the third movie?
S: I was quite pleased, actually. Got to spend more time on the beach with the chicks.
S: Well, a bunch of old hens anyway.
S: (angrily) Ok, so I lay there on the beach all by my self. You satisfied? (Gandalf smirks) Apparently not. (points his staff at Gandalf and smashes him against the wall)
G: Not again! (points his staff at Saruman) Expelliarmus! (takes Saruman’s staff)
S: Ha, Ha! I’ve got a spare. (pulls a short wand out of his pocket) Avadacadavra! (wand turns into a rubber chicken) ARRRRRGH! (charges at Gandalf with arms flailing. The two wizards chase each other out of the room, shouting and cursing)
I: Well, that concludes today’s interview. Thank you for joining us as we talked with these two, er…wise wizards. Joins us next time, same time, same place, for another interview with two famous Middle-earth characters.