The Weakest Link – Tolkien Edition – Let’s Play!

by May 11, 2002Other News

~*~ This parody is the work of Nilson_The_White, crispycreme, and Haefalas.~*~ The original thread can be found HERE. ~*~

Dramatic music plays!

Announcer: Ten characters from Peter Jackson’s trilogy of movies, based on J.R.R. Tolkien’s epic story, will be competing for up to 1 million dollars! They will be voted off, one by one, until only the strongest link remains! Let’s meet the contestants!

Dramatic music plays!

Gandalf (Sir Ian McKellen): Hail! I am Gandalf! Wizard of The West, sent to help the free peoples of Middle Earth!

Sam (Sean Astin): Hullo, I’m Sam, servant of master Frodo.

Frodo (Elijah Wood): Hullo, I’m the Ringbearer!

Arwen (Liv Tyler): I’m the elven princess of Rivendell.

Aragorn (Viggo Mortensen): I’m Aragorn. Rightful heir of Gondor!

Saruman (Christopher Lee): Middle Earth is mine!!!! No one can stop… oh, I’m Saruman.

Gollum (Pretend he’s real): My preciousssssss, nasty Bagginssssss, takes precious away, he doessssssss.

Legolas (Orlando Bloom): Hey dudes, anyone up for some surfin??

Gimli (John Rhys-Davies): Give me a row of orc necks and I’ll shall be content!

Peter Jackson (As himslef): Hi Mom!!!

Host: Okay, half-wits! Lets get started!!

Again with the dramatic music!

Host: I’m sure you know the rules, and if not, talk to someone who cares! Here we go!

Round 1

Host: Are you ready? Then let’s play, WKSTLNK! There are two minutes and twenty seconds on the clock. Gandalf will go first. Gandalf, who wrote Earendil Was A Mariner?”

Gandalf: Bilbo!

Host:That is correct. Sam, what was the name of the bread made by the men of Dale?

Sam: Cram!

Host: Correct. Frodo…

Frodo: BANK!

Host: Frodo, what was the name of the last king of Arthedain?

Frodo: Yipes!

Host: That is incorrect. The answer was Arvedui. Arwen, who is in possession of the One Ring during Lord of the Rings?

Arwen: ??

Host: Arwen, who is in possession of the One Ring during the Lord of the Rings?!

Arwen: ??


Host: Time is up people! You will now cast your votes for the WKSTLNK! Who among you has an elevator one short of the top floor? Vote now!

Announcer: Statistically, Arwen is the weakest link, having answered no questions correctly, but how will the votes turn out?

Host: Ok Team, it’s time to reveal who you think is the Weakest Link!!

Gandalf: Arwen
Sam: Gollum
Frodo: Arwen
Arwen: Arwen…. I mean Gimli!
Aragorn: Gollum
Saruman: Arwen
Gollum: Nasssty Bagginsess
Legolas: Arwen
Gimli: Arwen
PJ: Arwen

Dramatic Music!

Host: Sam… Why have you voted for Gollum?

Sam: Well…

Host: Silence!! Frodo… why have you voted for Arwen?

Frodo: She… scares me.
Host: Your telling me you will treck into Mordor, but this bimbo with pointy ears scares you?!

Arwen: Draws sword! Who you calling a bimbo?!

Host: Well, Arwen you are the weakest…

Arwen raises the sword!

Host: Gimli, you are the weakest link… Gbye!!

Round 2

Host: Let’s begin Round Two. Start the clock. Aragorn, what is the name of the ruined Northern Kingdom?

Aragorn: Arnor!

Host: Correct! Saruman, who is the Lord of the Rings?

Saruman: I AM!!!!!

Host: Wrong! It was Sauron. Gollum, what is the name of the traveler’s bread of the elves that was given to the Fellowship by Galadriel, in Lorien?

Gollum: Ahhhh, it’s evil it isssssss.

Host: Wrong! It’s lembas. Legolas, what is the name of the pass where the Fellowship was turned back due to a snow storm?

Legolas: Caradhras!

Host: Correct! Peter…


Host: PJ, did the Balrog of Moria have wings?

PJ: Sputters incoherently with rage.

Dramatic music!

Host: And the round is over. During that round you managed to bank a pathetic, lamentable, $1000. It’s time to vote off the weakest link. Who of you could easily rent out their head for storage space?

Announcer: We are down to nine contestants. Gandalf got the most questions right in the last round. Arwen, however, got the least. We aren’t going to vote anyone off this round. Arwen got a little out of control.

Host: There is 250,000.00 available in this round, again. It’s time to play WKSTLNK! Gandalf, we will start with you. What is the Valinorean name of the healing herb Aragorn uses?

Gandalf: Asea aranion!

Host: That is correct. Sam, who defeats Shelob on the pass of Cirith Ungol?”

Sam: I do!

Host: That is incorrect. The answer was ‘Samwise Gamgee’. Frodo, what is the translation of Henneth Annun?”

Frodo: Window of the Sunset!

Host: That is correct. Arwen, which is taller, an ent or a hobbit?

Arwen looks up from filing her nails.

Arwen: Huh?

Host: The answer please!

Arwen: What’s the question?

Host: Which is taller, an ent or a hobbit?!

Arwen: How am I supposed to know that?

Host: Take a guess! You have a 50/50 chance, for crying out loud!

Arwen: A hobbit.

Host: That is incorrect. Aragorn, who was the High King of the elves during the Second Age?”

Aragorn: Gil-galad!

Host: That is correct. Gollum…

Gollum: Bankssssssss!

Host: Gollum, are you obsessed with the Ring?

Gollum: Sssssssss, we’ll get ours back one day. O yessss, precioussss. Nassssty Hobbitss.

Host: Incorrect. The answer was ‘yes’. Legolas, what color is your hair?

Legolas: Blonde!

Host: Incorrect. The answer was ‘never determined’. PJ, are you the devil?

PJ: No!

Host: Incorrect…


Host: Time is up people. You have added a paltry $1000.00 to your total this round. It’s time to vote off one of your collaborators. Who has the mental capacity of a midget? Who’s brain has a stamp on it marked ‘addressee unknown’? Vote for the WKSTLNK now!

They vote.

Announcer: It’s time to see how our contestants have voted. Who will make their exit this round?

Host: Gandalf, how did you vote?”

Gandalf: Arwen

Host: Sam?

Sam: Arwen

Host: Frodo?

Frodo: Arwen

Host: Arwen?

Arwen: Gimli

Host: Gimli has already been voted off.

Arwen: Gimli

The host shakes her head and continues.

Host: Saruman?

Saruman: Arwen

Host: Gollum? … Ahem, Gollum?

Gollum has found a little spider inside his podium and has crawled down into it. He pokes his head up.

Gollum: Yessss?

Host: Who do you wish to vote off the show?

Gollum: The silly Bagginsesss.

Frodo: I command you, on the Precious, to change your vote!!

Gollum:Accckk! My headsss. It hurts us! Ok, the mean, nasssty hobbit then.

Sam walks over and hits Gollum on the head with a frying pan.

Gollum: Acccckksssssth!

The host continues.

Host: Legolas?

Legolas: Arwen

Host: PJ?

PJ: Liv

The host looks over at Saruman.

Host: Saruman, you voted for Arwen. Why?

Saruman: I would have had more screen time had PJ not given her so many flippin’ scenes. She deserves to go!

Host: I see… Frodo, you?

Saruman: Wait!

Host: Yes?


Host: What was that for?

Saruman: Just staying in character. You can proceed.

The host looks oddly at Saruman, blinks twice and continues.

Host: Frodo, you also voted to eliminate Arwen. What was your reasoning?

Frodo: The one way ticket to Valinor she gave me had expired. I looked foolish at the Grey Havens.

The host looks over at Arwen.

Host: You have the most votes against you, my dear…

Arwen: I do not!

Host: Well, yes you do. Five out of your remaining eight competitors voted you out.

Arwen: They didn’t mean it.

Competitors: YES WE DID!

Arwen: Oh posh! They don’t know what they’re talking about. I’m not going anywhere!

The host scratches her head in bewilderment…

The host turns and looked at Legolas.

Host: You have been voted off.

Legolas: I was not! Arwen was!

Host: It doesn’t matter. It’s generally accepted that you were the weakest member of the Fellowship. You were its WKSTLNK!

Legolas: I shall get angry if you keep this up.

Legolas snarled and began reaching for an arrow.

Host: Did I mention that your friend Gimli is still in the Green Room?

Legolas: Oh! Really?!

Legolas bounds off the set.

Host: There are now eight of you left. We will subtract 10 seconds from the clock, giving you 1:50 of time. There is once again, 250.000.00 available. Let’s play, WKSTLNK!. Aragorn, we will start with you..

Aragorn: Why me?

Host: Does it matter?

Aragorn: No, I guess not..

Host: Aragorn, what was Morgoth’s original name?

Aragorn: Melkor!

Host: Correct. Saruman, how are orcs conceived?

Saruman: Pods!

Host: Incorrect. The correct answer was, ‘normal procreation’. Gollum, what do I have in my pockets?

Gollum buries his face in his hands.

Host: Gollum, what do I have in my pockets?

Gollum: Accckssth! We don’ts know thisss! A newly sssigned multi-year contractsss, perhaps?

Host: Correct. PJ, do you respect Ralph Bakshi?

PJ: Yes!

Host: Incorrect. The answer was, ‘Are you kidding me?’ Gandalf, what was the name of the first king of Númenor?

Gandalf: Elros Tar-Minyatar!

Host: Correct. Sam, who invented golf?

Sam: The Bullroarer!

Host: Correct. Frodo, how old are you in the beginning of the books?

Frodo: Fifty!

Host: Incorrect. PJ has adapted you to a 19 year old teen heart throb.

Frodo: Really? Cool…

Host: Arwen….

Arwen: BANK!

Host: There’s no money available for the bank, Arwen.

Arwen: Oops..

Host: Arwen, who is your lover?

Arwen looks over at Saruman. Saruman makes a throat cutting gesture and discretely shakes his head.

Arwen: Umm.. Aragorn?

Host: Correct…


Host: Time is up people. You have added an embarrassing 1000.00 to your total. It’s time to vote off the WKSTLNK! Which of you has yet to evolve from apes? Who wears the dunce cap in your classroom? Vote, now!

They vote.

Host: Ok, contestants. It’s time to reveal our next WKSTLNK! Gandalf, how did you vote?

Gandalf: I voted to oust Saruman.

Host: Why not Arwen this time?

Gandalf: What good would that do?

Host: I see your point. Sam, who was your choice?

Sam: I picked Gollum.

Host:And why is that?

Sam: Look at him!!

Gollum is chewing on the spider that he’d finally caught in his podium. He realizes that everyone is looking at him and quickly swallows his dainty. He stares back innocently.

Arwen: Ewwww!

The host shudders and continues.

Host: Frodo, who is your choice for the WKSTLNK!?

Frodo: Sam.

Sam: Oh master! That is hard!”

Frodo: See what I mean? A Hobbit can only take so much of that drivel.

Host: I understand completely. Arwen?

Arwen was still staring at Gollum with a disgusted look on her face.

Host: Arwen?

Arwen looks back at the host.

Arwen: That….THING over there!

Han Solo: I wouldn’t go around calling a wookie a ‘thing’. They’ve been known to pull peoples arms off.

Host: Aragorn, who did you vote against?

Aragorn was looking back and forth between Arwen and Saruman, scratching his head and eyeing both suspiciously.

Host: Ahem. Aragorn?

Aragorn: Why that little…

Aragorn’s face is contorting with growing fury. Arwen, glancing over at Aragorn, jumped slightly, seeing the realization on his face.

Arwen: Uh oh…

Aragorn whips out Anduril and flashes it in the air.

Aragorn: Elendil!!

Elendil: What?

Aragorn stops and blinks.

Aragorn: Elendil!!

Aragorn leaps over his podium, he rushes up to Arwen. Arwen stands there in horror. Aragorn stopps and points his sword at Arwen.

Aragorn: I vote to remove HER!

Arwen sighs in relief.

Host: Saruman? How did you vote?

Saruman had been watching the exchange between Aragorn and Arwen with a bemused smile. He turned a condescending glance on the host. The host returned the condescending glace.

Saruman: Wow. I must say your condescending glance is even better than mine!

Host: Thank you. How did you vote?

Saruman: Can I vote to oust Sauron from Middle Earth? It would save me a bit of trouble.

Host: Is Sauron a contestant?

Saruman: Well, no…

Host: Then STOP being a bloody FOOL and cast your vote!

Saruman: Arrogant hosts… Alright, I vote Arwen.

Arwen: But… my love!!!

Saruman: Oh, knock it off. I’m through with you!

Saruman turns towards the host.

Saruman: You should have seen that girl in Orthanc. What a nag! ‘Pick up your staff!’ ‘Clean the Orc poop!’ ‘Practice your Evilness!’ I mean, sheesh! It never ceased!

The host nodded and turned to PJ.

Host: And how did you vote?

PJ however was busy scribbling something down about ‘Saruman and Arwen’ with an excited look on his face…

Announcer: Statistically, Sam is the biggest weenie.

Host: Saruman, you have been voted off the show.

Saruman: I didn’t get any votes cast against me!!

Host: No, but you had an affair with a betrothed woman.

Saruman: It was her idea!

Host: Well, can you think of a way to pry her offstage?

Saruman stood there for a moment, with his mouth frozen open. He shrugged and walked off.

Host: Gbye!

As Saruman walked by the Host, he suddenly flashed a dagger out from underneath his cloak and stabbed at the Host!

The dagger broke!

Saruman: You really are one tough broad, aren’t you?”

He keeps walking.

Round 3

Host: Let’s get ready to play WKSTLNK! There are seven contestants left. There is 250,000.00 available in this round. We will take 10 seconds off the clock, leaving 1:40 remaining. Gollum, we will start with you. Do you like Aragorn?

Gollum: Ackss! The wicked nassty cruel man. He hates uss.

Host: Incorrect. The answer was, ‘Yes, I appreciate his tough love.’ Aragorn, what was the name of Eol’s son?

Aragorn: Maeglin!

Host: Correct. PJ, how much of the original budget allowance of 250 million dollars for the production of the movies did you actually embezzle?

PJ: None of it!

Host: Incorrect. The answer was, ‘My lawyers asked me not to comment on that at this juncture.’ Gandalf, who was the first president of the United States?

Gandalf: How should I know that?

Host: Incorrect. The answer was, ‘How *can* I know that?’ Although we also would have accepted ‘How *could* I know that?’. Sam, are you homosexual?

Sam: No!!

Host: Correct. We also would have accepted ‘I have homoerotic tendancies and strong feelings toward my master, but I have accepted the fact that those concepts will alienate the moviegoers’. Frodo, what was the name of the Lothlorien king who drowned in the ocean?

Frodo: Amroth!

Host: Correct. Arwen…

Arwen: Bunk!

Host: Huh? What’s bunk?

Arwen: What?

Host: What were you talking about?

Arwen: When?

Host: Never mind. Arwen, can you wield a sword?

Arwen: What’s a sword?

Host: Correct…


Host: Time is up people! You have added… well I’ll be. For this group of neanderthals, you actually did quite well. $7000.00 has been added to the bank. It’s time to vote off the WKSTLNK! Who came to the party a day late? Which person here has an air leak in their head. Vote now!

They Vote.

Host: Ok. Let’s see who will be tossed off next!

Gimli: You’re not tossing THIS dwarf!

Host: You’ve already been tossed!

Gimli: Oh, right.

Host: Gollum, we will start with you. How did you vote? Hey! Gollum! Stop that!

Gollum was in the middle of trying to bite Frodo’s finger off.

Gollum: Ssilly hostessess. Interupting us whens we’re busy.”

Frodo: Will you get off of me, you dolt!

Gollum slinked back to his podium.

Gollum: I votesess for the nassty empty headssess one.

Arwen: Who?

Everyone: YOU!!

Host: And you, Aragorn, how did you vote?

Aragorn was busy carving the word ARWEN into the floor with his sword.

Aragorn: You won’t have to ask me next time.

Host: I see. PJ, can we have your decision please?

PJ: Frodo.

Host: Interesting… and why is that?

PJ: Well, look at him! He’s the old version. I want Frodo v. 2.0, the young and sexy version.

Frodo: Hey! I can still get the Hobbit babes when I need to!

PJ: Oh yeah? When?

Frodo: Well… there was this time at Bywater Inn.. some lass.. a beer.. I tried.. spilled my drink.. Aw the heck with it! You’re right! I’m wenchless!

Host: And Gandalf, what is your decision?

Gandalf, however, was flipping his thumb off the end of his staff. Flick! Flick!

Gandalf: Dangit. Out of fuel again!

Host: Ahem! Gandalf?

Gandalf: What? Oh! I think I’ll cast my vote against Sam.

Sam: I’ll make a dent in your head that even a wizard will find hard to deal with!

Host: That’s Gimli’s line!

Gimli: You’re not tossing THIS dwarf!

Host: SHADDUP! And Sam, how will you cast your vote?

Sam was busy stuffing falsies into his shirt and applying mascara all at the same time, looking sidelong at his Master.

Host: That’s an automatic disqualification, Sam. Attempted Gender Transformation – Section III paragraph C of the Rules. Gbye!

Round 4

Host: Now onwards! We have 6 contestants left and Gimli, please get off the stage. You ARE OUT!

Gimli walks off the stage where Legolas is waiting for him.

Host: Now we move on, and we are taking another 10 seconds off the clock leaving us with 1:30 seconds left. There is 300,000 to be won!
We start this time with Frodo; Why did you steal the ring from Gollum?

Frodo: I didn’t… it was Bilbo!

Gollum glares at Frodo.

Gollum: “Nasssssssty Baaaaaaagggginnnssss.

Host: Incorrect! Bilbo warned you against blaming him. The correct answer was “Yes”. Gandalf, why don’t you dye your white hair?

Gandalf: Because white is the colour of all wizards.

Host: Incorrect, the answer is there are no chemists in the third age. Aragorn, what is the name of the spider?

Aragorn: Shelob!

Host: Correct, Gollum who did you vote off last time?

Gollum stands in front of the podium watching the board used for writing the name of the votee.

Gollum: Ahhhh… Mmmmmyyyy precsssioussss.

Host: Gollum? Answer the question!

Gollum: Bannnnnnnnkkkssss

Host: Yes, but who who did you vote for last round?

Gollum: Yesssssssssssssss

Host: Incorrect, you were eating Frodo’s finger and ignoring me totally. Arwen, how do you spell your name?

Arwen: How should I know. You’re the host!

Host: Incorrect. The answer is ‘I dont’. PJ what is heavier, the moon or a brick?

PJ is glaring at the ugly Frodo.

Host: PJ stop glaring at the contestants and answer the question!

PJ: Well a brick, because when I drop a brick I break my toe, whereas when I drop the moon it doesn’t land on my toe.”

Host: Incorrect! YOU CANT DROP THE MOON!

Host: Time is up people, and Arwen, calling you a person might be considered insulting. Well for a bunch of brainless idiots, you performed right up to standards. You answered 1 question correctly overall and banked a mesely amount. You all deserve not to be here! It’s time to see who will be this round’s WKSTLNK! PJ, how did you vote this round?

PJ: Gollum

Host: Interesting. And why is that?

PJ: So I can insert my computer generated Gollum in his place.

Host: I see… Gandalf..

PJ: Did you know that Treebeard will be completely CGI?!

Host: That’s nice, dear. Now Gand…

PJ: In fact, I’m a computer generated character as well.

Host: I’m sure you are. Now please let me contin…

PJ: Soon, everyone will be CGI!


PJ blinks and starts scratching his CGI butt.

The host stares at PJ for a moment before slowly turning to Gandalf.

Host: Gandalf, who did you decide to vote off?

Gandalf: Arwegorn

Host: Huh?

Gandalf: Arwegorn

Host: Who’s that?

Gandalf: I’m trying to eliminate two people at once.

Host: You can’t do that!

Gandalf: Sure I can. I’m a Maia and a Wizard. Watch this.

Gandalf holds his staff up in the air. Lightning flashes! The Earth groans!

Aragorn: Screams GRAAAACK!

Arwen: Cries BLORTCH!

Host: Yells YUCK!

Aragorn and Arwen have somehow been fused into one person! Arwegorn!!

Host: I can’t argue with that logic1 Arwegorn, you have been voted off as the WKSTLNK! Gbye!

Arwegorn turns and walks off the set.

Arw: You’re going to hear about this when we get home!

Egorn: Oh shut up!

Round 5

Host: Ok, folks, we’re down to 4 contestants – Gandalf, Frodo, Gollum and PJ. We will subtract 10 seconds off the clock, leaving 1:30 remaining. As always, there is 250.000.00 available. Let’s play, WKSTLNK! Frodo, what is the tallest mountain in Valinor?

Frodo: Taniquetil!

Host: Correct. Gollum, why were you at the Forbidden Pool?

Gollum: Fisshess!

Host: Incorrect. The answer was, ‘Because I needed attention and was seeking affirmation of my self-worth’. PJ, are you a Purist?

PJ: A what?

Host: Correct. Gandalf, why do you wear that ridiculous hat?

Gandalf: Hey!

Host: Answer the question please.

Gandalf: Well, ummm… uhh.. It makes me look, uh, more wizard-ery.

Host: Incorrect. The answer was ‘Because I have a complex about being too short for a wizard’. We also would have accepted ‘Because platform shoes haven’t been invented yet’. Frodo, where does the White Council meet?

Frodo: Rivendell!

Host: Incorrect. The answer is HERE. Gollum, what did you eat while lurking in Moria?

Gollum: Nassty orcs meat!

Host: Incorrect. The answer was ‘Hey lookie here! Some of my toes appear to be missing!’ PJ…


Host: Time is up people. You have added a pathetic NOTHING to your total! Vote now for who you think the WKSTLNK! is. Who’s ship fell over the world’s edge? Who can’t chew gum and think at the same time? Vote!

They vote.

Host: Let’s see how our four remaining contestants voted. Frodo, how did you vote?

Frodo: PJ.

PJ walks over to Frodo and hands him the revised script.

Frodo: Um, I mean Gandalf.

PJ walks back to his podium.

Host: Gollum, whom did you decide to vote off?

Gollum: The tricksy massster.

Frodo: I command you on the Prec…

Gollum holds up Frodo’s ring finger.

Frodo: What the..? When did you do that?

**** (The finger chomping event took place recently, but the scene was found to be too violent and the show’s advisory board wished it cut. The scene that is, not the finger. Well, although they didn’t specifically wish for the finger to be cut, they found it hilariously funny all the same.) ****

Host: PJ, how did you vote?

PJ: I live in a free democratic society. My vote is private.

The host mutters something about ‘bloody Kiwis’.

Host: PJ, who – in your opinion – is this round’s WKSTLNK!?

PJ: Frodo.

Host: And why is that?

PJ: He’s had the fewest fingers.

Host: Indeed. Gandalf… GANDALF! What are you doing?!

Gandalf is swinging his staff wildly around in the air at a house fly.

Gandalf: The Dark Lord is here! Can’t you see him? Take THAT!… And THAT!… I’ll get you Sauron! I am the servant of the Secret Fire and wielder of the Flame of Anor!

Host: You’re an escapee of the Silly Farm and a Flaming Idiot, now CUT THAT OUT!

Gandalf cuts it out.

The host rubbs her forehead and continues.

Host: Gandalf, who did you vote off the show?

Host: The host.

Host: You can’t vote off the host!

Gandalf: Sure I can. I’m a Maia and a wizard. Watch th…

Host: OK OK! Sheesh, cast your vote for the host then!

Announcer: Statistically, PJ’s pjs have lots of p’s and j’s on them…

Host: Frodo, you have garnered the most votes this round.

Frodo: Since when has that mattered?

Host: That’s the rules of the game.

Frodo: You haven’t adhered to that rule once this entire time! This smacks of Hobbit discrimination!

Johnny Cochrane If the man ain’t tall, he’s nuthin’ at all!!

Cochrane hands Frodo his business card.

Host: Nevertheless, Frodo, you have been eliminated. You are the WKSTLNK! Gbye!

Frodo turns and stomps off the set.

Round 6

Host: We are down to three contestants, PJ, Gandalf, and Gollum. 250,000.00 is available, and we’ll take another 10 seconds off the clock, leaving 1:20 remaining. Let’s play, WKSTLNK! Gandalf, who was Shelob’s mum?

Gandalf: Ungoliant!

Host: Correct. Gollum, who cut the Ring off Sauron’s hand?

Gollum: Isssildur!

Host: Correct. PJ…


Host: PJ, why was Tolkien’s name completely left off the second trailer?

PJ: It was just an oversight…

Host: Incorrect. The answer was, ‘Because I am arrogant and I think my version is better and I want people to think of me and not Tolkien when they ponder the story’…

PJ: I object to that!

Host: Incorrect. The answer was, ‘I can’t argue with you, o Omniscient Host!’ Gandalf, where do Men go when they die?

Gandalf: Only Eru knows that!

Host: Incorrect. The answer was, ‘usually 6 feet into the ground’. Gollum, is Glorfindel II the same elf as Glorf…


Host: Time is up folks. You have added an embarrassing, utterly inadequate 2000.00 to your total. It’s time to see who will be eliminated next! Who accidentally flushed their brain down the loo? Which of you were fired from McDonalds for stupidity? Vote now for the WKSTLNK!

They vote.

Host: Ok people! Let’s see how you’ve voted. We’ll start with Gandalf. Who do you want eliminated, Gandalf?

Gandalf: I didn’t vote!

Host: What do you mean, you didn’t vote?!

Gandalf: I couldn’t decide!

Host: Just pick one! You’re a Maia and a wizard for cripes sake!

Gandalf: Hey, even the wise cannot see all ends!

Host: If you don’t pick someone, you’ll be automatically disqualified.

Gandalf: Well, I feel pity for Gollum over here. And PJ, well, he’s just so darned cute and cuddly. Look at him!

PJ is standing there looking cute and cuddly.

The host by this time was fed up. She walks over to Gandalf’s podium and scribbles “Gollum” on his stylus.

Gollum: Dratsssss…

Host: PJ, how did you vote? Hey PJ! Where’d you go?

PJ: How To Desecrate Tolkien’s Works’ for 300, Alex!

Alex Trebek: Get out of my studio!!!

PJ: Sorry…

The host, being once again fed up, walks over to PJ’s podium and scribbles “Gollum” on his stylus.

Gollum: Dratsssss…

Round 7

Host: Alright, halfwits! It’s down to you two!! In this round you get a chance to double the amount of money you bank!! So lets playyyy….. The WKSTLNK!!!!

Host: Gandalf, why does Cirdan have a beard?

Gandalf: Well, it all starts…

Host: Wrong! PJ, why did you cast Liv Tyler as Arwen?

PJ: She is a very good actress, and I think she…

Host: Wrong! Gandalf, who is your enemy?

Gandalf: Sauron!

Host: Correct! PJ, what’s with the glasses?

PJ: There’s nothing wrong with my glasses!

Host: Wrong! Gandalf, what is the name of the srongest Vala?

Gandalf: Tulkus!

Host: Correct! PJ…

PJ: Bank!

Host: Are you the devil?

PJ: Hasn’t this questions already been asked?

Host: Silence Monkey!! Are you the devil?

PJ: Ummm….. yes?

Host: Correct! Well, the time is up!! And out of a possible $250,000, you banked a pathetic, miserable $5,000. That brings the total bank up to $32,000. Who is a few fries short of a happy meal? Is there a village who needs it’s idiot back? Who’s 4% alcohol short of a tequila? Which one of you has redefined the term “failure”? Who has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig? Which one of you couldn’t make ice without a recipe? Who is allergic to intelligance?!!

Host shakes her head.

Host: Sorry about that. Now where were we? Oh yes… We’ll find out when we return to….. The Weakest Link!

Round 8

Dramatic music plays!

Host: Welcome back to The Weakest Link! Ok, it’s down to Gandalf and Peter Jackson! Let me explain the rules. You will each be asked a set of 5 questions, whomever has the most right at the end, will win the bank money, which stands at $32,000! Lets play… The Weakest Link!

Dramatic music!

Host: Gandalf, you were the last rounds strongest link, so we’ll start with you!

Gandalf nods his head.

Host: Gandalf, The Tower of The Moon, is another name for wich city?

Gandalf: Minas Ithil!

Host: That is the correct answer. PJ, who created The Silmarils?

PJ: I don’t need $32,000! I’m going to be rich!!! Yesssss, filthy rich!!!

Host: Well, then maybe you can afford to get some new glasses!

PJ: What do you have against my glasses!?

Host: Hiding laughter Nothing!

PJ: Your mean!

Host: Why should you care? Your the devil!

PJ: No I’m not!!!!

Host: The Silmarils?

PJ: Becoming annoyed It was Feanor.

Host: That is the correct answer! Gandalf, is PJ the devil?

PJ: Ok, thats it!

Host: Silence!

Gandalf: As an avid Tolkien reader, I would say yes! But as an actor who wants to keep his role, I’m going to have to say no.

Host: That is incorrect, the correct answer is yes. PJ, who is Frodo’s father?

PJ: Drogo!

Host: That is the correct answer! Gandalf, who is The King of Mirkwood?

Gandalf: Thranduil!

Host: That is the correct answer! PJ, what color are Tom Bombadil’s boots?

PJ: Tom who?

Host: Tom Bombadil!

PJ: Never heard of him…. ummm… Blue?

Host: That is incorrect! You are now tied with 2 questions right, and 1 questions wrong each. Gandalf, how many elven rings were there?

Gandalf: Three!

Host: That is the correct answer! PJ, who is the manager of The Prancing Pony?

PJ: Barliman!

Host: That is the correct answer! You are still tied! Gandalf, what come out of orc pods?

Gandalf: Orcs, of course!

Host: That is incorrect! Orc pods are not part of Tolkien’s LoTR!

Gandalf mutters something about PJ being the devil.

Host: Peter, if you answer this question correctly, you win! Who wrote The Lord of The Rings?

PJ: Ummmm…… Oh, I know this one! Ummmm…. Is it… no, thats not it….. ummm…. Tolkien?

Host: That is the correct answer! You are tonight strongest link! Gandalf, you leave with nothing!

Gandalf: Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger!

Host: Huh?

Gandalf: I shall be back!

He disappears in a bright flash.

Host: Join us next time for…. The Weakest Link! Goodbye!


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