Gimli led Sarumezer to a graveyard located on the outskirts of the city. The wind whistled against the branches of the bare trees and seemed to slice at Sarumezer as if with a vengeance. “Well, here’s where I depart,” Gimli announced. “It was nice knowing you Mr. Scrooge!”
“Wait don’t go!” Sarumezer cried. “I want you to tell me more about this Christmas stuff!”
But with a deep, heavy laugh, Gimli vanished. The sweat rolled upon Sarumezer’s face as he stood all alone in the graveyard. Then, somewhere in the distance, a clock struck three.
“Scrooooooge…” a soft voice hissed. “Scroooooooooge. Sarumezer Scroooooge.”
Sarumezer whirled around, seeing a Ringwraith standing behind him. “Are you the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come?” he breathed.
“Yesssssss,” the spectre hissed.
The old wizard dropped to his knees. “Spirit, I fear you more than any spectre I have encountered.”
The Ringwraith threw back his hood, revealing his silver-blonde hair and pointy ears. “Really? You mean that?” Legolas asked his azure eyes wide with surprise. “Wow. Thanks.”
“AHHH!” Sarumezer screamed. “Not you!”
“Oh, yes, it’s me,” Legolas laughed. “I am the one who is supposed to torture you by giving you a glimpse of your not so bright future. We Elves can be very irritating when giving the opportunity. Okay, let’s go.” Legolas snatched Sarumezer’s arm none-too-gently and time whirled around them.
“And I thought the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come said nothing,” Sarumezer growled.
They found themselves standing on a dark street corner. It was raining hard all around them, but as if by some sort of magic, Legolas and Sarumezer were untouched and remained dry. “Look there,” Legolas said pointing to a group of elves standing by a lamppost.
“I only know he’s dead,” one elf was saying.
“When did he die?” another inquired.
“Last night, if I’m not mistaken,” the first elf answered.
“I wonder what he died of,” a third elf wondered out loud. He turned to a fourth. “Do you know what he died of, Glorfindel?”
The fourth elf, Glorfindel, shrugged nonchalantly. “I could not care less,” he replied. “What I wonder about is what he has done with his money.”
“Well, he didn’t give it to me,” the first elf snapped.
“Nor I,” the others chorused.
“It’s likely to be a cheap funeral, too,” Glorfindel added. “I do not know a single soul who would bother showing up.”
“Did you not hear?” the third elf cried. “Anyone who’s anyone is going to the funeral.”
The others stared at him. “What do you mean, Selinde?” they asked in surprise.
Selinde laughed. “Elronhir and Elladan the Twins are hosting the funeral!”
The others immediately brightened up. “Well, in that case, let’s go!” the first elf exclaimed. They jogged down the street.
“Where are you going?” Sarumezer demanded as Legolas grabbed his arm again.
“I wanna see what this funeral is about,” Legolas replied. They followed the group of elves into a large house. Elves and Men alike were packed in a large room, dancing as a rhythm beat from a monstrous sound system. The sons of Elrond, Elladan and Elronhir, were stationed at the turn-table, the DJ’s of the evening.
“What is this?” Sarumezer demanded.
“It’s a funeral,” Legolas replied.
“I know that! What is that?” He gestured to the stereo-system.
“Oh, that’s the project the Twins have been working on for the past thousand years. They call it a DJ booth slash sound system. Beautiful isn’t she? I’m personally jealous.”
“Uh, this looks more like a party than a funeral,” Sarumezer commented. “Aren’t people supposed to be sad at funerals?”
“Not this funeral,” Legolas replied. He looked over to his right to a door that was partly open. “Hey, let’s look in here.” He and Sarumezer poked their heads around the doorway into a small room. Haldir stood by a table, smoking a pipe. Two thug looking Uruk-Hai stood beside him. Tom Bombadil, Goldberry, and Gollum stood in front of him.
“Okay, youse guys,” Haldir declared in a thick accent. “Whacha got for me?”
“I thought Haldir of Lorien was dead!” Sarumezer gasped in shock.
“Amazing what a couple of Band-Aids and peroxide can do for you,” Legolas replied.
“Um…nothing personal or anything but I liked…”
“Oh, shut-up! What is Haldir doing here?”
“Because you were such a heartless man-excuse me-wizard, Haldir got a couple of Uruk-Hai and became a notorious gangsta leader. He usually does his business in this very room.”
“I got his bed curtains,” Goldberry announced presenting them to Haldir.
“You mean to tell me you took them down rings and all while he was lying there?” Haldir demanded.
“Yeah, so?” Goldberry answered with a shrug. “I care not for the likes of him. Personally, he looks better dead.”
Haldir turned to Tom. “And you?”
Old Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow;
Blue is his jacket and his boots are yellow
He wanders the house of death unseen
And boots and cuff buttons is what he brings!
“Hmm…” Haldir murmured, observing the buttons and boots. “The buttons are mother-of-pearl. Would make a fine price. However the boots are next to useless. I might donate them to the Twins. Maybe they could use it for their new project.”
“Which would be?” Goldberry asked.
“Something ridiculous about a horseless carriage with rubber wheels and runs on fossil fuel.” Haldir shrugged. “Gotta admit, though, their sound system is a beaut. We’ll steal it latah.” He turned to Gollum. “Well, did you get it?”
“Yesss,” Gollum hissed. “Gollum got prescioussssssss for Master.” Rather hesitantly, Gollum handed Haldir the One Ring.
“Not Tiny Frodo!” Sarumezer cried.
“Oh, I just hate the killing of children,” Haldir moaned. “But what must be done, must be done.”
“Spirit, I cannot bear this!” Sarumezer cried.
“Why not?” Legolas demanded angrily. “Before the stereo system, the Twins invented a super-duper-security-alarm system. Had you paid Aragorn a higher salary, he would’ve been able to afford the high price the Twins demanded for it. Come on, I still gotta show you something.”
Legolas led Sarumezer back to the graveyard. “Why have you led me here?” Sarumezer demanded.
“It is time I showed you your future,” Legolas replied. “Will you look upon the grave of the one whose death brought so much happiness to others, who suffered during his life?” He pointed to a lonely stone. “There it stands.”
Lightning struck the earth and the name Sarumezer Scrooge blazed from the stone in the light. “NO!” Sarumezer screamed. “No, I can’t be dead!”
“Why not?” Legolas demanded. “You helped decrease the surplus population. That was what you wanted, wasn’t it?”
“But if what Gandalf says is true,” Sarumezer whispered shivering. “That means…”
At that moment, a fat purple dinosaur wobbled from behind the trees. “Oh, goodie!” it giggled. “You get to spend eternity with me! We’re going to have fun learning about sharing and caring and friendship and all that other goody-good stuff.”
“NOT BARNEY!” Sarumezer wailed.
“Good-bye, Sarumezer!” Legolas waved. “I hope you and Barney have a wonderful time together!” And with a heartful elvish laugh, he melted into the night.