The end of the reign of King Elessar (“The Redeemer”, “The Glorious” or “The Klutz” according to different contemporary historians) and the institution of democratic government through the Workers’ and Soldiers’ Committees of Gondor and Arnor (now constituted in the Republic of Middle Earth or ROME) brought forth a plethora of documents hidden by the former autocrat and his lackeys. The chief event in these times of discovery was the opening of his secret archives in the house of Nen-Annon.
Today, everybody knows about how the famous “Red Book of the Westmarch”, written by Elessar’s picturesque Hobbit friends, was nothing more than the official pro-government version of the “Black Book of the Westfold” by Martin Gorwogue, a disillusioned former official in the Rohan government. But beside the impact this 6-volume work, several smaller papers and compilations of worth and highest authenticity have been overlooked.
We are glad to present to the subscribers of “Today’s Omnipresent ROME Courier (TORC)” the first excerpts from the original meeting minutes of the “White Council”, the elitist group of superhuman individuals and non-human nobles, which was responsible for many influential decisions in the times before the Return of the King and the Institution of people’s government. While the authenticity of this document cannot be doubted, it is strange how few of it found its place in either the Red and the Black Book.
THE NOT YET COLOUR-CODED COUNCIL, MEETING No. 1,
May 12nd, 2463 (2nd age)
Place: Elrond’s homely house, Conference Room No. 4
Attending (i. a. o.) : Elrond, Galadriel, Gandalf, Radagast, Saruman
ELROND: Silence, please. Radagast, would you please leave your pets outside the door. Yes, that one too. I have called you here to discuss serious matters, so please, do sit down, all of you.
GALADRIEL: I’d like to have a different seat, Elly. My place here is far too close to Radagast.
RADAGAST: What’s wrong with me?
GALADRIEL: You, uh – you smell.
GANDALF: Let us swap seats, Raddy, I’m not afraid of her nose.
SARUMAN: I don’t want to sit next to Radagast neither.
GALADRIEL: Yes, please, I want Gandalf sitting next to me. Elly, you may keep your seat on my left.
ELROND: Would you please stop calling me Elly. I know I’m some 3000 years younger than you, auntie.
GALADRIEL: You stop calling me auntie.
SARUMAN: Can we have a meeting now, or what?
ELROND: Saruman is right. May I ask for some meeting discipline?
GANDALF: Two of our Order haven’t arrived yet, Pallando and What’s-his-name.
SARUMAN: The other one’s name is Tralala. Let’s get started now without them. That’ll teach them not to go astray.
RADAGST: I haven’t seen them for a long time now.
GALADRIEL: Shave your forehead, fuzzball.
RADAGAST: Hey! Don’t get personal,
GANDALF: Gladdy, please.
ELROND: You didn’t just call her “Gladdy”, did you?
SARUMAN: If we don’t start now we get nowhere soon.
ELROND: You are right, again. I have drafted a short agenda for the day, which I would like to give you now. I suggest we decide whether or not to agree on this agenda, to add items, etc.
GANDALF: Let’s hear it, please.
ELROND: First, constitution of us, here present, as a Council yet to be named. Second, election of a person in chair of the Council, as a moderator. Third, name-giving. Fourth, agreement upon frequency and locality of our meetings. Fifth, solution-finding to save the world from evil.
GALADRIEL: I’m in favour of it, but I say that we should work without Radagast, here. He smells and he does things with animals.
RADAGAST: That’s it! I am leaving! (Radagast runs out, never to return)
GANDALF: That was a bit rude of you, My Lady, but I must admit the air has improved.
SARUMAN: Good old Radagast. Self-sacrificing to the least for the good of doing good.
ELROND: I take it we all agree on the first item on the agenda. Shall we have a break now and open the windows for a while?
ALL: (show signs of agreement).
(30 minutes later)
ELROND: Come on now, it’s time to resume our meeting. See, my faithful house-elves have brought fresh Miruvor and refilled the Lembas plates. And there’s tea.
GANDALF: No tea for me, please, but something a bit stronger …
ELROND: No alcohol during business hours, Gandalf, please.
GALADRIEL: Let’s turn to agenda item number two. Though not looking like it, I am the eldest around here, and so I assume I should have the presidency of this council.
ELROND: With all respect, aunt Galadriel, I am the Lord of Rivendell and known around the world for my wisdom. You still live on trees.
SARUMAN: Who says we should have a chair-elf? Gandalf, here, and I come from the west; we are older than anyone of you, and specially trained for our duties as evil-fighters and problem-solvers here in this Middle-East-Earth. One of us should preside.
GANDALF: Yeah, that’s right.
ELROND: I could agree, but I am opposed to give the presidency to someone homeless. Gandalf can never be reached in times of stress because he’s always on the road. When he comes to Rivendell, he blocks the bath for hours on end. His cloak is a hopeless case for the laundry.
GANDALF: You have to search very long in Middle Earth for a house with decent plumbing.
ELROND: May I ask all candidates to raise their hands?
(No one raises his hand)
GALADRIEL: That’s leading us nowhere. I can’t work like that.
SARUMAN: Yes. I’ve another meeting in half an hour.
ELROND: Shall we make it a secret ballot or just with raising hands?
GANDALF: Let’s just raise hands. I’m for Saruman.
ELROND: I’m for Galadriel.
GALADRIEL: I’m for Gandalf.
SARUMAN: I’m for – myself. I see on your hands that you’ve all got rings, and I have none. I want a ring for myself, too. It’s not fair that you have elven rings of power, and Gandalf here is even subordinate to me, so I claim I should at least be president of this council.
GALADRIEL: I got mine from Celebrimbor. He wanted to trade it for some hair of mine, that dirty fetishist.
ELROND: I inherited mine from Gil-Galad. That is, he gave it to when he died, in battle, and me just behind him … I mean before he died, as if he had known … I swear, I had nothing to do with it …
GANDALF: I got mine when I arrived at Mithlond. Cirdan asked me for name, profession, destination and whether my trip was for business or pleasure, and when I said that I would like to redeem Middle Earth from evil by rekindling the fire in the hearts of the free folk, he said this ring would come in handy.
GALADRIEL: Come on, Saruman, there are many rings of power. See if you can find one for yourself. And Gandalf simply needs his ring to work more efficiently.
ELROND: Look, Galadriel, I think he’s weeping. Ok, Saruman, Curunir, you may preside.
GALADRIEL: Oh, no, I didn’t want that. Come on, Saruman. You may have the chair.
SARUMAN: (sobs) Well, I’d like to thank you for the confidence that you have in me and my person, I accept the vote, and likewise I’d like to thank Elrond for his work in preparation of this meeting, and all of you for a very fair and democratic contest.
I promise I will do everything to keep up this high level of mutual understanding and trust, and yes, I think I propose our next meeting to take place in Isengard, where we shall enjoy the good traffic connections, recreational facilities and other amenities of the congress centre I am investing in there. I propose we adjourn or meeting for now to, say, in two hundred years, april 4th, 10.00 o’clock a.m. – is that ok with you?
GALADRIEL: Isengard is ok, but april 4th is blocked. Shall we make it three hundred years?
GANDALF: Three hundred years is ok, but if we arrive the evening before we could have a business breakfast.
ELROND: Sounds sensible. Let’s.
SARUMAN: So, thanks for the good meeting. See you there.
THE NOT YET COLOUR-CODED COUNCIL, MEETING No. 2
April 4th, 2763 (2nd age)
Place: Isengard Rooftop Panorama Lounge and Bar
Attending (i. a. o.) : Elrond, Galadriel, Gandalf, Saruman
SARUMAN: Welcome Lady Galadriel and Lord Elrond, welcome Gandalf old pal. I hope you’ve had a pleasant trip, and enjoyed the breakfast buffet; please help yourself to the café latte, there’s plenty of it and I can have new one made in a jiffy. Isengard is famous for it’s coffee, I have sometimes visits from the Rohan royal advisor just for a couple of cups.
So, the items of our agenda are still a name to be given for our council, here, and an agreement upon frequency and locality of our meetings. Oh yes, not to forget, solution-finding to save the world from evil.
Has somebody had the time to make some proposals for a name or shall we have a brainstorming?
ELROND: Oh yes, a brainstorming.
GANDALF: I always say one should follow one’s nose, so let’s brainstorm.
GALADRIEL: Oh well … how about an animal? A horse?
GANDALF: The horse council … doesn’t sound right, and what would the eagles say? The eagle council?
ELROND: I think we should have a fine acronym, like “MESA” for “Middle Earth Salvation Association”.
SARUMAN: How about “OPEC” – “One Perfectly Established Council”?
GALADRIEL: I don’t like acronyms, they are based too much upon the language. Let’s pick a colour and call our meetings “The so-and-so Council”. I propose gold, as my hair is golden and that’s a nice colour.
GANDALF: How about grey? You elves like grey. You drive all dry-cleaners crazy.
ELROND: Silver’s better than grey.
GALADRIEL: Silver looks old.
SARUMAN: How about white? I mean, in opposition to Mordor, which is black.
ELROND: Gondor’s black, too.
GANDALF: The last time I looked they had a white banner. I could live with that.
ELROND: Saruman’s office’s dress code is white, but his beard has black wisps.
GALADRIEL: I have a pretty white dress. Shouldn’t we call ourselves “Style Council”?
ELROND: You mean the one you wore 1570 years ago? That nice one with the 2nd-age-touch? Men called you “White Lady” ever after.
GALADRIEL: Umm …
SARUMAN: Ok, I think we agree on “The White Council”. Next on the agenda: When and where to meet.
GANDALF: I think every other hundred years would be ok.
GALADRIEL: At the max. Travel expenses are eating me up, and I’ve just finished moving from the West-Coast to the Midwest of Middle Earth.
ELROND: I agree with that. We could alternately meet at my place and here until either Galadriel finishes living out of boxes or Gandalf takes up a postal address.
GANDALF: You can always send mail to my office box at the “Prancing Pony”, BB4 AX7 Bree, Durhaur. By the way, they have a nice back chamber there where we could hold a meeting if need be.
GALADRIEL: Please, Gandalf.
SARUMAN: So, I hereby propose we adjourn our meeting to, say, July 23rd, 2963.
ELROND: Second age?
SARUMAN: Yes. At your place, if you like.
ELROND: I could fit it in a bit earlier – my daughter comes back from prep school 2949, you know – what about 2889?
GANDALF: Oh-oh, I have petty business with dwarfs around that date.
GALADRIEL: Let’s make it 2851, and I’ll have a connecting date at the hairdresser’s.
SARUMAN: If that pleases you. August 9th, 2851.
ELROND: Can we make it April 16th?
SARUMAN: Come on, that’s trifle.
ELROND: Ok, ok, August 9th. See you there.
SARUMAN: If you haven’t wains or eagles to catch, I could give you a tour around the house.
(All murmur sounds of agreement).
THE WHITE COUNCIL, MEETING No. 1
August 9th, 2851 (2nd age)
Place: Elrond’s homely house, Conference Room No. 2
Attending (i. a. o.) : Elrond, Galadriel, Gandalf, Saruman
ELROND: Welcome back again to my place, everybody. Gandalf, would you please stop smoking!
GANDALF: Why! Smoking eases thinking.
GALADRIEL: Whoa, Gandalf, you are filling the air with exhaust. This is worse than Orodruin. What are you burning inside this clay and stick thing?
GANDALF: “Leaf”, Lady Galadriel, from the Shire.
SARUMAN: It smells like you’re burning shrubs. Please, my friend, extinct that fire, there’s a vote in unison to keep this White Council a non-smoking meeting.
GANDALF: Why don’t you try some? It’s good!
ELROND: You’ve got that from the Hobbits you are meddling with, didn’t you? I always suspected drug abuse as the reason for their limited growth.
GALADRIEL: Stop that at once, Gandalf. My dress will smell like smoke for the next thirty years.
SARUMAN: Ridiculous. To turn to smoking weed in his old age.
SARUMAN: That’s all the same with me.
GANDALF: You should try some, my old friend …
ELROND: Can we have a meeting, now?
GALADRIEL: Yes, the sooner I return to Lothlorien, the better.
SARUMAN: Yes, let’s return to our agenda. There is an evil power in Mirkwood which is probably Sauron reincarnated again.
GALADRIEL: Let’s send Haldir for the dirty work.
(all murmur consent)
SARUMAN: We have a decision in unison. Well, thank you for the efficient work and the great meeting, and I propose we meet again on August 23rd, 2953 for a short update on the progress of evil-extinction around here, and I could show you some more of the amenities my Business Park at Isengard will have by then …