Gandalf: C’mon, Samwise. Keep up…Be careful, both of you. The
enemy has many spies in his service. Birds, beasts, security cameras…Is it safe?
(Frodo pats the Sock in his breast pocket)
Never put it on, ’cause the agents of the Dark Lord have spy cameras everywhere.
Always remember, Frody, the Sock is trying to get back to its master–it wants to be found. Giddyup! (Gandalf rides off to Isengard. Sam and Frodo take off and we see various random shots of them walking across the countryside of the Shire and eating and playing Mad Libs)
Sam: An adjective.
Sam: A noun.
Frodo: (wistfully) Pencil…
(they stop at a large itchy cornfield maze type thing)
Sam: This is it…
Frodo: This is what?
Sam: If I take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from a video store I’ve ever been.
Frodo: C’mon Sam…Remember what Ol’ Bilbo used to say: “It’s a dangerous business, Frody, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don’t keep your feet, you might have to spend a whole lot of money on new ones…”
Saruman: Mist rises from the Mountain of Bleach. The hour grows late and Gandalf the Grey rides to Isengard, seeking my counsel. For that is why you have come, is it not, my old friend?
Gandalf: (Takes off his hat and bows his head) Saruman… (They go walking on the grounds of Isengard)
Saruman: …You are sure of this?
Gandalf: Beyond any doubt!
Saruman: So your paycheck still hasn’t come?? Weird. Guess you’ll have to take that up with Management.
Gandalf: All this time, I’ve been sitting around waiting for it…
Saruman: And yet you did not have the wit to see the backorder list at the office. Your love of the halfling’s leaf has clearly slowed your mind…
Gandalf: But we still have time, time enough to counter Sockron, if we move quickly… I bet he took my paycheck. Oh, by the way, I found the One Sock of Power.
Saruman: Oh? Really? That’s nice. Time? What time do you think we have?
(They move from outside into Saruman’s office in Orthanc)
Saruman: Sockron has regained most of his former strength. He cannot yet take physical form, but his spirit has lost none of it potency. Concealed within his fortress, the Lord of Sockdrawer sees all… His gaze pierces clouds, sickles, shadow, fish, earth, flesh and….checkbooks. I don’t know if he’s physically capable of actually stealing a paycheck. I think he must have hired someone to do it for him.You know of what I speak, Gandalf. A great eye, lidless, swimming in bleach…
Gandalf: The Eye of Sockron… Gross.
Saruman: He is gathering all evil to him. Very soon he will have summoned an army great enough to launch an assault on Middle-earth and steal everyone’s paychecks.
Gandalf: You know this? How??
Saruman: I have seen it… (They go into Saruman’s Throne Room. Saruman whisks the towel off the palantír in the middle of the room.)
Gandalf: Uh, Saruman…I wouldn’t use that palantír if I were you…
(the palantír snickers)
Saruman: Why? Why should we fear to use them? Besides, they’re REALLY cool.
Gandalf: They are not all accounted for, the lost seeing-stones. We do not know who else may be watching, like the FBI, for example.
Saruman: The hour is later than you think–Sockron’s forces are already moving. The Nine have left Minas Morgûl.
Gandalf: The Nine? Not with BROWNIES, right?!
Saruman: With brownies. They crossed the River Isen on Midsummer’s Eve, disguised as Riders in Off-White.
Gandalf: They’ve reached the Shire!
Saruman: They will find the Sock, and SQUISH the one who carries it!
Saruman: You did not seriously think that a sockbit could contend with the will of Sockron. There are none who can. Except maybe the Director. Against the power of Sockdrawer, there can be no victory. We must join with him, Gandalf. We must join with Sockron. It would be wise, my friend… And really fun. We’d get cool t-shirts and door prizes and company picnics and stuff.
Gandalf: Tell me, ‘friend’, when did Saruman the Wise abandon reason for MADNESS? Oh, look, a snow cone.
Saruman: I gave you…the chance…of aiding me…willingly, but you…have…elected the way of…PAIN!! Where DID all those ellipsises come from??
(They duel with their wands. At one point, Saruman does some very Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon martial arts. Finally, Saruman snatches Gandalf’s wand and blasts him with it)