Producer’s Note: I am sorry to admit…I am not the
RANDOM CINEMAS PRESENTS
A VEASSË MIRUANDIL FILM
Galadriel (VO): I amar prestar aen. (the world has changed)
Han mathon ne nen. (I feel it in the water)
Han mathon ne chae. (I feel it in the earth)
A han nostron ned ‘wilith. (and I smell it in the air.)
Much that once was, is lost.
for now none live who remember it.
Elrond (VO): That’s a lie! I’m here! You’re here!
Galadriel (obviously ignoring her son-in-law): ANYWAY, it began with the knitting of the Great Socks. (shot of hands holding socks and knitting furiously) Three were given to the elves: Immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings.
(Gilgalad, Círdan, and Galadriel wave and scream “Hi!!!”
Galadriel: Seven to Dwarf Lords: great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls.
Galadriel: And nine, nine socks were gifted to the race of men who, above all else, desire collectors edition Elvis records.
Kings/Sockwraiths: ELVIS! (begin dancing and singing)
Galadriel: …oh yeah, and power. For within these socks was bound the strength and will to govern each race.
But they were, all of them deceived, for another sock was made. In the land of Sockdrawer, in the bleach of Mount OxiClean, the Dark Lord Sockron knitted, in secret, a Master Sock. (Sockron wearing weird cloth armor, knitting and humming a happy tune. He puts the Sock on his foot, and in the swirling bleachy mist, purple embroidery appears on the cuff.) And into this Sock he poured his cruelty, his malice, his really bad jokes, and his will to dominate…well…everything!
“One Sock to rule them all…”
One by one, the free lands of Middle-earth fell to the power of the Sock. (Sorcs spray bleach and fabric softener sheets all over villages) But there were some who resisted.
(Elrond, Gilgalad, Elendil, and Isildur wave at the camera as they march off to with the Next-To-The-Last-Alliance)
Galadriel: A Next-To-The-Last Alliance of Men and Elves marched against the armies of Sockdrawer. And on the slopes of Mount OxiClean they fought for the freedom of Middle-earth. (A huge epic battle begins, in which the Sorcs throw sneakers at the Next-To-The-Last Alliance, who retaliate by spraying the Sorcs with silly string)
Isildur: This is NOT working. They’re computer animated.
(All the rest of the Next-To-The-Last-Alliance members glare at him)
Elendil: Yes, it’s pathetic, but it’s in the script.
(suddenly, all the Sorcs begin losing consciousness for no explainable reason)
Galadriel: Victory was near–
Elendil: Oh, YAY! (swings the Not-Yet-Shards of Narsil around jubilantly)
(suddenly, ominous music plays. The Next-To-The-Last Alliance looks around nervously.)
Galadriel: But the power of the Sock could not be undone.
The-Next-To-The-Last Alliance: Darn.
Gil-galad: And just when I thought we were finally getting somewhere…
(Sockron appears and reeks, which causes havoc. He wields a giant bottle of bleach and wears the Sock, shining with purple embroidery, on his foot over his boot. He sprays bleach at the Next-To-The-Last Alliance. All who come into contact with the bleach turn white and suddenly disappear. Elendil vanishes. Isildur, shocked, grabs Narsil.)
Galadriel: It was in this moment, when pretty much everything had faded in the wash, that Isildur, son of the king, took up his daddy’s sword (The Not-Yet-Shards of Narsil).
Isildur: Why do I have some dumb old sword?? (everyone on the battlefield freezes in pause mode–thank you, special effects team!–while Isildur speaks) How come everyone else gets really unique weapons like bleach, or pepperoni, or alfalfa cubes?
Galadriel: BECAUSE IT’S IMPORTANT TO THE PLOT! Now stop chattering and–
Isildur: Fine, fine. (mutters) Sheesh, talking to bodiless voices is not fun. (everyone un-pauses again. Isildur waves Narsil at Sockron) Nanananana! (he drops Narsil and it breaks) Oh NO. Now I’m really in trouble. You’d think an heirloom sword like this wouldn’t break so easily.
Sockron: (laughs hysterically. He collapses with laughter.)
(While Sockron is still doubled over in laughter, Isildur grabs the hilt-shard of Narsil and cuts the Sock from his foot.)
Sockron: (outraged) HEY!
Isildur: Sorry. But it’s in the script, you know.
Sockron: (grabs bleach and makes ready to throw it at Isildur)
Isildur: Hey! That’s not in the script! (bleach hurtles at him) HELP! (he ducks and the bleach hits a rock. Isildur grabs the Sock and the Shards of Narsil and runs off as Sockron implodes.)
Galadriel: Sockron, the enemy of the free peoples of Middle-earth, was defeated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Next-To-The-Last Alliance: YAHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Galadriel: The Sock passed to Isildur, who COULD and SHOULD have destroyed it. (sigh) But did he? Noooo…
(offscreen: Aragorn punches himself in the head)
Isildur: Why should I? It’s not in the script, now, is it?
Galadriel: Well, I still think–
Isildur: Who CARES? It’s MY sock. I’m NOT destroying it. And besides, if I destroyed it now, the whole film would be a flop.
Galadriel: Well, considering what happens next, I’d say it’s in your own best interests to–
Isildur: ACK! NO! STOP! I HATE THAT PART!
Galadriel: What, you mean the part where you get–
Isildur: STOP! DON’T SAY IT!
Galadriel: Okay, fine. Anyway…the Sock passed to Isildur, who had this one chance to destroy it. But, as we all know, he didn’t.
For the hearts of men are easily corrupted, like Faramir, for example. And the Sock has a will of its own. It betrayed Isildur to his death!
Isildur: NO! NOT REALLY! PLEASE, Galadriel, nice lady of light, DON’T KILL MEEEEE, VEASSË!
Veassë: Quiet. This is necessary.
Faramir: And I’m NOT corrupted!
Veassë: You’re also not born yet.
Galadriel: Ahem. And some things that should not have been forgotten, were lost.
History became legend, legend became myth, and for 2,502.7 years, the Sock passed out of all knowledge. Until, when chance came, it ensnared a new bearer. (The Creature Gollum’s hand grabs the now-mildewed Sock)
The Creature Gollum: My precious…heehee, my precious!
Galadriel: The Sock came to The Creature Gollum, who took it deep into the tunnels of the Hazy Hillocks. And there it consumed him.
The Creature Gollum: It ATE us?!
Galadriel: NO! Quiet!
(a shot of Gollum’s apartment, filled with lots and lots of fish, and something that looks like experiment tubes and a gel-like substance.)
The Creature Gollum: It came to me, my own, my precious…ooh, Sears is having a sale on fish jammies!!
Galadriel: The Sock brought to Gollum unnatural long life. For 500 years, it poisoned his feeble little mind. And in the gloom of Gollum’s apartment, it waited-the gloom due to the fact that the landlord refused payment in rancid fish.
Darkness crept back into the forests of the world. Rumor grew of a shadow in the Middle East–wait. Pippin, don’t insert stuff into the script!–whispers of a nameless fear. And the Sock of Power perceived: Its time had now come. It abandoned Gollum.
(Gollum is singing lullabies to the Sock. The Sock gets disgusted and falls out of his hands, tumbling down a flight of stairs and landing right in Bilbo’s path)
Galadriel: But something happened then that the sock did not intend. It was picked up by the most unlikely creature imaginable:
Bilbo: What’s this??
Galadriel: A sockbit, Bilbo Baggins of the Shire.
Bilbo: A sock? Blah, it needs washing…
(Gollum screaming in the background)
Galadriel: For the time will soon come when sockbits will shape the fortunes of all…
Pippin: Ooh, fortune cookies!
Galadriel: No, Pippin! It…I…oh, never mind…