Replace One Ring with One Shmoe, cuz that’s the way it is in my story!!!
GANDALF: This is the One Shmoe. The Dark Lord needs only this Shmoe to enslave the world.
FRODO: The Dark Lord??? You mean Sauron??? How do you spell that???
GANDALF: S-a-u-r-o-n, with an accent mark over the Q.
FRODO (after thinking for a moment): What Q???
GANDALF: Eh??? What??? Oh, well, there is no I in teamwork, but that has nothing to do with it.
FRODO: Oh!!! What must I do???
GANDALF: It must be destroyed!!!
FRODO: *munch munch munch munch munch*
GANDALF; No, you idiot!!! It is evil, don’t EAT it!!!
FRODO: Oops, sorry…
He takes it out of his mouth, and discovers it is not scratched.
FRODO: Sheesh, it really is indestructable!!!
Suddenly one of Frodo’s teeth falls out, a result of having bitten an indestructable Shmoe.
GANDALF: Sauron needs only this Shmoe to cover all the lands in darkness.
FRODO: Yeah, no kidding!!!
THE SCENE FADES TO MORDOR
Sauron is speaking, but we can’t see him yet.
SAURON: They will find the One Shmoe, and kill the one who carries it.
Suddenly we see him, he is wearing black spiked armour, and has a black shadow around him. We then notice he is wearing pink bunny slippers.
NAZGUL LORD: Yess, Masster!!!
SAURON: Well, go find it!!!
Nazgul Lord flies off on his dragon-creature, he too is wearing pink bunny slippers.
We are now inside what appears to be Mt. Doom, Flames are shooting in all directions. We then see a bag of marshmallows, some graham crackers, and a chocolate bar. Sitting closest to the fire is Sauron, he is black from being burnt by staying down there too long. He is holding a stick with a marshmallow on it in the fire. Suddenly, it is cooked.
Sauron puts it in two graham cracker halves, along with half a chocolate bar. He then stands up, holding it in the air.
SAURON ( in the black speech):
Ash shmoe durbatulûk, ash shmoe gimbatul,
Ash shmoe thrakatulûk, agh burzum-ishi krimpatul!
One Shmoe to rule them all, One Shmoe to find them,
One Shmoe to bring them all and in the darkness bind them!
Suddenly, those words appeared on the Shmoe, in weird, fiery letters that we could not understand if we didn’t already know what they said.
At this point, the elves are hiding the three from him, because he very foolishly spoke loud enough for even the Valar to hear him in Valinor.
FLASHBACK FADES, MORDOR SCENE RESUMES
SAURON: That was the greatessst moment of my life…Huh, there’s a message from Saruman on line one in my Palantir…What does he want???
SARUMAN: I have been searching all week, I haven’t found your Shmoe, and I’m tired!!! Do I get a raise???
SAURON: NO!!! MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
SARUMAN (to himself): No raise, eh??? Well, if he wants that Shmoe that badly, it must be VERY important, and very powerful!!! We’ll keep looking, but not for him, no!!! We’ll look for it for ourselves, yesss!!!
SCENE FADES TO BAG END
GANDALF: He greatly desires it, but he must not get it.
FRODO: This Shmoe! How, how on earth did it come to me???
GANDALF: Ah! Long story, Sauron made it in the fires of Mt, Doom, he enslaved the bearers of the Nine, the Three were hidden in an elvish refrigerator, He has three of the Seven Dwarf Shmoes, the rest were consumed by dragons. But Elendil and Gil-Galad defeated him, but they died too. So Elendil’s foolish son Islidur took the Shmoe from Sauron, cutting his finger off in the process, and, instead of destroying it, he kept it for himself!!! He used it a lot, and, one day, he and a group of men were attacked by orcs, and they were all killed but him. He put the Shmoe in his mouth, and became invisible. He dove in the Great River, and it fell out. The orcs killed him, but the Shmoe was lost. And, when Sauron came back, he couldn’t find it. Many years later, two hobbits went fishing in the river, with a boat made of reeds. Their names were Sméagol and his friend, Déagol. Sméagol stayed on the bank while Déagol fished. He caught a fish, but it was too heavy for him, and he was pulled under. He let go, because he saw the golden glitter of something on the bottom of the river. He grabbed it, and climbed out of the water. He saw that the glitter was from the sugar crystals on the shmoe, and it was a very beautiful shmoe. Sméagol had been watching him from behind a tree, and came over to see what all the fuss was about. When he saw the shmoe, he said:
`Give us that, Déagol, my love.’
`Why?’ Déagol replied.
`Because it’s my birthday, my love, and I wants it.’ Said Sméagol.
`I don’t care,’ said Déagol. `I have given you a present already, more than I could afford. I found this, and I’m going to keep it.’
`Oh, you are indeed, my love.’ said Sméagol, and he caught Déagol by the throat and strangled him, because the shmoe looked so tasty and beautiful. He put the shmoe in his mouth, because he wanted to eat it. He bit it, but it hurt his mouth, so he decided to just leave it there and go home. When he got home, no one could see him, when he had the shmoe in his mouth. This he found very amusing, and he used it to play jokes on people, and to take food that was not indestructable. No one liked him after that, and he started talking to himself and to the shmoe, because no one else would talk to him. He gurgled in his throat from leaving the shmoe in his mouth too long. He often went something like this: Gollum! (as Gandalf says this, he uses his throat.)
FRODO: Gollum??? You mean the creature Bilbo met??? How loathsome!!!
GANDALF: None other.
Just then, Frodo lets out a terrific squeal.
GANDALF: What was that??? You sound more like Bilbo every day!!!
TO BE CONTINUED…