SAM – Ok so let me get this straight. Me, you, a wizard ,a couple of men, a dwarf, and elf and Merry and Pippin are all going on a fun little trip to Mordor to put this tacky little ring in a big volcanoe?
FRODO- Well yes that is the generall idea…
SAM- Do we get paid? No! Do we get the privlige of being welcomed by our friends when we return to the Shire? No! Do you why Mr.Frodo? hmmm? Cause we’ll all be dead!!
FRODO- Ahhhh well if you put it like that it does seem a bit of a chore…
SAM- Am i the only sane person here?
LEGOLAS- (Tucking into his peanut butter sandwhich) Well, technically were all insane for even putting in a job application to do this task. Which means that you Sam are as barmy as the rest of us.
(the rest of the Fellowship stare at Legolas in amazment and then continue moaning)
SAM- Me barmy? Oh now you’re asking for it elf dude! Too long have you been gracefully walkin on snow and singin all that elf lark just so you sound sooooo wonderful and magical and just because you’re IMORTAL – well that seems to make you think you’re more special than us…
(Legolas looks at Sam totally gob – smaked)
LEGOLAS- Firstly, im not an ‘Elf Dude’. Secondly im an elf – that what elves do – they shoot arrows, kill Orcs, kick some butt, as well as being FAB singers and have the amazing ability to walk on snow – which I quite agree is rather impressive.
ARAGORN-Can’t you stupid dudes see? I’m practising my Yoga! Do not Disturbe me or I shall use you as a puch bag for my TIE-CHI!
FRODO- Like whatever Aragorn! First its juggling now Yoga! What will you think of next?
ARAGORN- Well I was thinking of taking up poetry..
GIMLI- Oh God! here we go again! I knew I should of eloped with that Faramir guy! He was rather nice..
(Once again the Fellowship stare in amazment)
SAM- You see? INSANE!! the lot of ya!!
LEGOLAS- Gimli? You’re gay? Oh my God! Why didn’t I see this coming? So that’s why you’re always so far behind -your’e staring at my butt arn’t you?
GIMLI- Well no….not exactly….
BORIMIR- Don’t you think it’s time for me to say something?
SAM- Go on if you must!
BORIMIR- Well, if Gimli is gay – which i highly suspect he is, we shall have to throw him out of the Fellowship! There I said something! YAY!
GIMLI- You can’t throw me out! That Eldron dude told me to tag along so i did – and im still gunna tag along…as long as Legolas is…
LEGOLAS- That’s it! I think im gunna be sick…(throws sandwhich away)
GANDALF- It seems to me that this is getting us nowhere so we should just drop it and talk about something else – sorted?
FRODO- That’s it? Oh what wise words Gandalf! Please note my sarcasim!
GANDALF- Now, now Frodo don’t be so touchy! My mother always told me to ‘Tell it to them straight’ so I did!
FRODO- I dont think she meant that straight….
MERRY- Pippin, have you noticed that we have had absolutely no say in this conversation at all? I think we should make a stand!
PIPPIN- I think you’re right Merry, after all if Borimir can do it so can we!
BORIMIR- Wow! see I am actually good at something! I’m a role model! WOW! Did you hear that Aragorn? Me – a role model!
ARAGORN- Im not listening….
PIPPIN- So Merry , when were you going to make that stand you were talking about?
MERRY- Me? I thought you were doing it!
PIPPIN- Don’t be stupid! Me? Any way it was your idea!
GANDALF- Shut up!!! Ive had enough arguments about gay dwarves, making stands and Yoga to last me a lifetime so I’m going to bed!
SAM- Well at least he’s sane…well a bit anyway…
LEGOLAS- Yeah! I agree with da hobbit and da old dude! Too many GAY DWARVES round here! (looks at Gimli)
GIMLI- Well I guess that means you wont be coming to that disco I was telling you about back in Moria when we’ve finished this quest?
LEGOLAS- NO!!! Now push off before I sock ya one!
MERRY- So Pippin…about that stand…
GANDALF- (From somewhere in the wilderness – wherever wizards sleep) SHUT IT YOU DAMN HOBBITS!!!!! And by the way elf dude – im not that old!!
LEGOLAS- Im not an ELF DUDE!!!!!
ARAGORN- Right that’s it! Im fed up with you lot disturbing me so Im gunna make this simple. Who votes for Gimli being thrown out of the Fellowship?
(Borimir and Legolas raise their hands and Gandalf calls: ME ME ME!! from somewhere)
ARAGORN- Ok so that’s three votes…does that mean the rest of you want him to stay?
(Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin all exchange looks)
FRODO- Well, Im not partilcually bothered, as long as he doesn’t do anything funny – if you ummm know what I mean..
SAM- Well I think he should go – ive changed my mind….he’s insane too – he’s got a funny look!
LEGOLAS- Well he would do wouldn’t he? HE’S GAY!!
GIMLI- Oh thanks a bunch Legggy- you didn’t have to rub it in!
LEGOLAS- So you admit it??!!! Ha ha got ya – GAY DWARF GAY DWARF!!
FRODO- Ok that settles it he gets might vote to leave!
PIPPIN- What about you Merry? Are you gunna give him the boot?
MERRY- Dunno Pippin..are you?
PIPPIN- I don’t know either Merry – that’s why I was asking you!
MERRY- Well its no good you asking me Pippin you know what I’m like at decisions..
PIPPIN- Yeah and what about me I’m hopeless…
MERRY- I know! lets play rock paper scissors! If we both get Rock he goes – if we both get paper he stays…
PIPPIN- Great idea Merry! But what if we get scissors?
MERRY- We play again…
ARAGORN- Oh my God! How is this possible? i hate my life, I hate you stupid hobbits, I hate this stupid quest…all I have in the world is Yoga!
FRODO- What about Arwen?
ARAGORN- Stuff Arwen! I don’t give a monkey’s about her anymore! I’ve got my eye on that Eyowen bird – you know the one that im gunna meet in the next book?
FRODO- Oh that one! Yeah she’s hot!
(Meanwhile Merry and Pippin are still trying to play Rock Paper Scissors)
MERRY- HA! rock! we both got rock!
PIPPIN- No we didn’t Merry! Look ive got Rock u’ve got Paper!
(Back to Frodo and Aragorn)
ARAGORN- No way she’s mine! I meet her way before you do! Na Na Na Na Na!!
FRODO- Damn! Sam who have you got your eye on?
SAM- Me Mr Frodo? Well I quite fancy that Lady Galadriel myself….
ARAGORN- Nope bad idea! She’s an Elf!
LEGOLAS- Excuse me? And what am I a Donkey?
ARAGORN- No what Im saying is she will be imortal so u’ll grow old and frail whiles she’s still young and beautiful.
FRODO- Well I wouldn’t mind being old and waking up in the morning to a beautiful younf Elf next to me would you?
ARAGORN- Yes but….when you die, she will be single again and not many people would pass a chance to tie the knot with Lady Galadriel!
SAM- So you’re basically saying that she will spend a few years with me until I snuff it and then she’ll be off with another bloke?
LEGOLAS- Oi! Elves arn’t that bad! We dont use people like that…well my Uncle was a bit of a rebel -but i would never do a thing like that!!
ARAGORN- Oh yeah!! What about that bird in Moria? The one that you specially asked that Tolkien dude to leave out of the books hmmmmm??
LEGOLAS- Oh yeah well….that was just a one nigth stand kinda thing – nothin serious…..
GIMLI- So you’re still single then??
LEGOLAS- Oh god!!! Look what you’ve done Aragorn! He’s looking at me all funny again!!
(And back to Merry and Pippin)
PIPPIN- Now that was definatly rock! I saw you! I had Rock and you had Rock!
MERRY- No no! Pippin honestly! Look its scissors again! LOOK!!
PIPPIN- Oh Merry this isn’t going to work – let’s just vote him off – like in Big Brother or The Weakest Link!
MERRY- Oh yes Pippin I do like that – “You are the Weakest Link – Godbye”
PIPPIN- Lets be bold Merry – Gimli! You are the Weakest Link Goodbye!!
MERRY- Oh well done Pippin! Beautifully said!!!
GIMLI- What??? Weakest Link??? Oh not that darn Game Show eith that cow of a presenter??
MERRY- That’s the one!! We vote you off- ha out of the Fellowship for good!!!
LEGOLAS- Finally you see sense!! THANK GOD!
FRODO- Well I guess that settles it. Gimli Im sorry but you will have to leave the Fellowship!
SAM- Yep and good ridense – you’re all insane!!!
ARAGORN- Well fairwell dude of Moria or whereva!
GANDALF- (From somwhere) Yep so long!!!
BORIMIR- Yeah like totally!! BYE!!
MERRY- So long!!
PIPPIN- We’ll send you a postcard from Mordor!!
GIMLI- No!! please dont do this to me!!! HOW COULD YOU!!!!
WILL GIMLI LEAVE OR WILL THE REST OF THE FELLOWSHIP CHANGE THEIR MIND? WILL ARAGORN CONTINUE HIS YOGA? WILL GANDALF EVER GO TO SLEEP? WILL MERRY AND PIPPIN EVER LEARN HOW TO PLAY ROCK PAPER SCISSORS? WILL LEGOLAS EVER EAT ANOTHER PEANUT BUTTER SANWHICH? WILL SAM CONTINUE TO THINK EVERYONE IS INSANE? WILL FRODO GET THE EYOWEN BIRD? WILL BORIMIR EVER HAVE ANY GOOD LINES TO SAY?????
FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON ‘THE LORD OF THE RINGS’…….