Last time on ‘The Lord of the Rings’…..
LEGOLAS- Hey wait a minute – I thought you two hated him too – you voted him out of the Fellowship!
PIPPIN- Yeah well, it was just an immdeiate reaction – I mean we’d never met a GAY DWARF before had we Merry?
MERRY- Oh no Pippin! We hadn’t! You can’t blame us for the way we reacted!
LEGOLAS- NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! This can’t be happening!!
FRODO- Wow! I can’t wait for Gimli to rejoin us on our desperate attept to drop the ‘ONE RING’ into the most terrifying and firey pits of Mount Doom! OH! It’s gunna be soooo exciting!
SAM- Like I’ve told you time and time again…he’s INSANE!!!
GANDALF- Shut it!! Oh….I think I feel another one of my headaches coming on!! Anyone got any asprin?
FRODO- Nope…Boromir ate it all….
GANDALF- Damn! Stupid Boromir….
FRODO- Now, now Gandalf….lets at least TRY to get along…after all we are going to be stuck with each other for a LONG LONG LONG time!
GANDALF- Stupid Frodo….stupid Boromir…
SAM- Yeah….with all these INSANE people! How will we survive?!
GANDALF- Stupid Sam…..stupid Frodo….stupid Boromir…
LEGOLAS- And not forgetting that GAY DWARF over there!
GANDALF- Stupid Legolas….stupid Sam….stupid Frodo….stupid Boromir….
MERRY- Once again I see we have been excluded in this coversation…honestly! Why did we ever come back to these gerks anyway?
PIPPIN- Beats me! Hey…isn’t that salted pork I see over there….and Salt and Vinegar Crisps? MMMM…. I sure am hungry!
MERRY- Why Pippin! Your’re right! Come on lets grab ’em before Gandalf sees!
(Merry and Pippin venture off into the bushes, eager to stuff their little fat faces with food…)
GIMLI- Sooooo…..Leggy…long time no see eh?!
LEGOLAS- AHHHHH!!!! Get away from me you…you …..FREAK!!!
GIMLI- (whispers to Frodo) I think he likes me!
FRODO- (whispers back) Me too! Go on ask him out!
GIMLI- Oh no! I couldn’t…it’s far too soon….
FRODO- Nah! Go on…you need to get him quick -I think Aragorn has got his eye on him too!
GIMLI- Really? You think? Gosh….never would have suspected Arargorn……
FRODO- Oh no -neither would I …but while you were gone he was seriously hitting on him…..you should have seen it!
GIMLI- REALLY! Well, no one messes with MY elf!!!
FRODO- That’s the spirit!! Go get him tiger!
(Gimli marches up to Legolas, smiling sweetly, while Legolas slowly backs into a corner)
LEGOLAS- GET AWAY YOU MONSTER!!!!
GIMLI- Leggy….what are you doing this Saturday?
GIMLI- (whispers to Frodo) Do ya think that means ‘yes’?
FRODO- (whispers back) Oh yes! Most definetly! (Frodo gives Gimli a thumbs up sign)
GIMLI- (turns to Legolas, who is now half way up a tree) I was thinking about seeing a movie…what do you think?
GIMLI- GREAT! so I’ll pick you up at seven!
(Gimli turns to Frodo)
GIMLI- I think it went well!
FRODO- GREAT! Ahhhhh! it’s so romantic!
(at that point Merry and Pippin return from eating, looking slightly ill)
MERRY- WOW! Pippin…I don’t think we should have …BURP!….eaten so much….
PIPPIN- I think….BURP!….you are right Merry….
ARAGORN- Yo, Dudes! Come on! We need to like get moving…and like ya know -outta da forest…DUH!
ARAGORN- MOVE OLDIE!!! (dude)
GANDLAF- Really! That was most un nessecery! You shall be hearing from my lawyer!
ARAGORN- Like whateva, Dude! (picks up bags) COME ON!
(So the Fellowship are lead out of the forest by fearless leader Aragorn (well…maybe not FEARLESS exactly, but anyhow) and they start trecking into the unknown..with Legolas at the front..AWAY from Gimli)
LEGOLAS- Geez! That dwarf is getting all the wrong ideas! I mean…he just asked me out on a date!
ARAGORN- Noooo! really? CONGRATULATIONS dude!
LEGOLAS- NO! NO! NO! You don’t understand….I HATE HIM!
ARAGORN- Hate is a very strong word my friend…are you sure you mean it?
LEGOLAS- Yes of course I’m sure!!! Since when have I ever been unsure about anything??
ARAGORN- Well….back to that bird in Moria….
LEGOLAS- Never mind! Listen….I need your help to get rid of Gimli for good!
ARAGORN- Wait a minute, Dude….your not thinking about making him deceased are you? ending his life? cutting short his youth? wiping him out? KILLING HIM!!??
LEGOLAS- SHHHHHH! Well, it had crossed my mind….
ARAGORN- But you can’t dude! He is like part of da Fellowship thingy! Besides…I’m the wrong guy to ask….if you want to do some serious evil plotting talk to Gandalf!
LEGOLAS- Hey thanks for the advice! You’re a true friend!
ARAGORN- Glad to be of service, dude!
LEGOLAS- Pssst! Gandalf!! Over here!
GANDALF- What!? Can’t you see I’m busy moaning?
LEGOLAS- Uhhhh…well it can wait…I have a proposition for you!
GANDALF- Proposition? What sort of proposition? Nothing Legal I hope….
LEGOLAS- Nope! definetly NOT legal in anyway….in fact it involves DEATH!!
GANDLAF- OH GOODIE!! YOU CAN COUNT ME IN!!
LEGOLAS- but you don’t know who’s gunna die yet!
GANDALF- Oh well….who cares!? as long as I get to do all the dirty work…ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!
LEGOLAS- Ummmmmmm yeah…..Listen, I won’t GIMLI out of the way – as soon as possible, if you know what I mean…
GANDALF- Hmmmmm so the dwarf been hitting on you again? We’ll soon fix that problem! How do you want it done? Raw or over done- if you know what I mean…ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!
LEGOLAS- No, what do you mean?
GANDALF- Do yo want him to meet a messy death…or ( to my great dislike) a nice -ish death?
LAGOLAS- Oh…well….I think i will go for messy….HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!
GANDALF- HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!
LEGOLAS AND GANDALF- HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!
WILL GIMLI MEET A BRUTAL END?WILL BOROMIR EVER GET ANY MORE LINES TO SAY?WILL GANDALF EVER GET ANY ASPRIN?CAN FRODO GET ANY WEIRDER?WILL ARAGORN LEAD THEM TO SAFETY OR TO BURGER KING?WILL SAM STILL (ONCE AGAIN) THINK EVERYONE IS INSANE?WILL MERRY AND PIPPIN REACOVER FROM THEIR BAD CASE OF IN-DIGESTION?WILL LEGOLAS ACTUALLY EVER GO OUT WITH GIMLI?
FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON ‘THE LORD OF THE RINGS’…..