Last time on ‘The Lord of the Rings’……….
GANDALF- Do yo want him to meet a messy death…or ( to my great dislike) a nice -ish death?
LAGOLAS- Oh…well….I think i will go for messy….HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!
GANDALF- HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!
LEGOLAS AND GANDALF- HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!
(Aragorn has eventually lead the Fellowship out of the forest- with a little help from a couple of passing squirrles, and they have found themselves beside a river)
ARAGORN- Dudes! Look -water!
LEGOLAS- Thank god!!! I seriously need to wash my hair!
BOROMIR- Yeah me too! Hey Leggy, can I borrow your Herbal Essence ‘massage and rinse’ shampoo?
LEGOLAS- No way! Last time I lent it to you -you drank it! Such a waste…..
BOROMIR- But it smelt so fruity….I couldn’t resist!
MERRY- Pippin! Look water!
PIPPIN- Oh goodie! I could do with a bath!
(The two hobbits rush into the water)
FRODO- Hey Gandalf -you don’t think there is anything dangerous in there do you?
GANDALF- Well if there is it’ll get Merry and Pippin first.
FRODO- Good Point!
GIMLI- How long until we reach Rivendell? My feet are killing me!
FRODO- I did tell you wearing sandals was a bad idea!
GIMLI- Yes, but it did make me look more manly right?
LEGOLAS- Oh yes! And I’m sure Legolas noticed!
(Gilmi sits down besides a tree to rest)
GIMLI- (Taking his sandals off) Ahhhhh! That’s better!
ARAGORN- Dudes, what’s that horrid smell?
LEGOLAS- It’s that cheesy smell again!
(The Fellowship turn towards Gimli)
MERRY- (Calls from the water) GIMLI! PUT YER SANDALS BACK ON!! I CAN’T BREATHE!!
GIMLI- (Calls back) Oh…err….SORRY PIPPIN!!!
MERRY- I’m not Pippin – I’m MERRY!
PIPPIN- Honestly! I knew I should have gone for that mowhauk look! Then no one would ever get us mixed up!
MERRY- Quite right Pippin,quite right….
GIMLI- I’m starving!! What do we have to eat?
ARAGORN- Well, let’s see…..hey where did like all the food go dudes?!
MERRY- Uh…Should you tell them or should I?
PIPPIN- Best we don’t say anything…what they don’t know won’t hurt them.
MERRY- True, but I can’t help feeling guilty -I mean we have just bascially starved the whole Fellowship haven’t we?
PIPPIN- Yes, I ‘spose………
MERRY- OH hell! They’ll get over it! Come on -race you to that log over there.
PIPPIN- OH, but that’s not fair! You can swim faster than me!
(meanwhile on the riverbank)
BOROMIR- We’ll all starve!
GANDALF- We’ll have to eat someone! It’s the only way! (nudges Legolas)
LEGOLAS- I vote GIMLI!
BOROMIR- He would make a good meal…roasted dwarf!
SAM- He might be a bit tough though!
BOROMIR- Yeah…your right! Besides he is a member of the Fellowship!
LEGOLAS- Yes….but he wasn’t a few days ago -YOU voted him out remember?
BOROMIR- Yeah, but I do feel bad about it now….don’t you?
BOROMIR- What’s wrong with you Sam? Surely you feel just a tad guilty?
SAM- NO! In fact I was relieved when he went! He was a real nutter in my opinion!
BOROMIR- Yeah but you think everyone is a nutter
SAM- No…I think everyone is INSANE!
BOROMIR- Nutter, Insane…same thing.
LEGOLAS- Look, It’s three against one, now all we need is Aragorn’s vote…and hey presto! NO MORE GAY DWARF -I mean we will no longer be hungry…
GANDALF- Yeah with Aragorn’s vote we can do anything to him….after all he is Isildur’s heir!
LEGOLAS- Yeah! Imajine what we could do if we killed him too!
BOROMIR- Kill Aragorn?
SAM- Told you…INSANE!
GANDLAF- Think about it Boromir…think how proud your daddy would be!
BOROMIR- Yeah….but wait! What if we got caught! I mean it is a bit risky going on a massive killing spree.
GANDALF- Yes, but when it’s all over he can kill Frodo too -then we get the ‘ONE RING’
SAM- Hold on, hold on….now this is INSANE! You want to kill the ringbearer, Isildur’s heir AND Gimli?!
(Gandalf whacks Boromir with his stalf)
BOROMIR- YEP YEP YEP
SAM- AMAZING!!! Wait till Mister.Frodo hears about this!
GANDALF- You can’t tell Frodo! You know! Either you join with us or…… we will have to kill you too!!
(Now I would like to make a small point here if I may)
(Thanks! Now listen here you lot! You are on Frodo’s team! You can’t keep killing all these people!)
GANDALF- WHY NOT!
(It’s….well….barbaric! And think what Mr. Tolkien would say! You should be ashamed of yourselves!)
LEGOLAS- Gosh….never thought about dear old uncle J.R.R. Tolkien!
BOROMIR- Me neither.
GANDALF- Darn! I knew I forgot something!
(Now, I can understand you wanting to kill the dwarf, but anyone else is totally unacceptable! Do I make myself clear?)
LEGOLAS, BOROMIR, GANDALF and SAM- Yes Mrs. Person in Brackets!
(Good now off you go…and remember – after the dwarf NO MORE KILLING!!)
LEGOLAS- Now, I fell really guilty!
SAM- You should do! You were going to kill poor Mr. Frodo.
LEGOLAS- I just don’t know what got into me!
GANDALF- But wer’re still gunna kill the dwarf right?
LEGOLAS- Oh yeah!
GANDALF- Good, just checking! Hey Sam…
GANDALF- What’s that in the water?
SAM- That? Oh that’s just Mr. Frodo swimming around naked in the lake….and OH MY GOD!!!! Mr.Frodo…look out!
( Now it is at this point when I must tell you: No hobbits were harmed in the making of this scene)
MERRY- Pippin!! Watch out! It’s a GIANT TURTLE!!!
PIPPIN- AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Swim, Merry , SWIM!!!
(Merry and Pippin scramble out of the water)
SAM- NOOOOOOO!! Mr. Frodo!!!
(Sam takes off his jacket and runs towards the lake)
ARAGORN- NO! Wait dude! You’re like too small -I’ll go rescue him!
(And with those heroic words Aragorn jumps in the water)
ARAGORN- Frodo Dude!! Grab my hand!!
GIANT TURTLE- GRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!1
ARAGORN- (Whacks turtle with sword) die, dude die!!!
GIANT TURTLE- OWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!
(Aragorn pulls Frodo out of the water)
ARAGORN- Dude, are you alright?
FRODO- Aragorn…you…you saved me!
SAM- Mr.Frodo…are you ok?
FRODO- Oh Aragorn! (grabs Aragorn) THANK YOU!!
ARAGORN- Uhhh dude I think you better put some errrr clothes on…
FRODO- YOU SAVED ME YOU SAVED ME!!!
ARAGORN- DUDE PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!!!!
FRODO- oh…err yeah…
SAM- Here you go Frodo.. (Sam gives Frodo some clothes)
ARAGORN- I think he’s gunna be ok, dude
FRODO- Oh Aragorn you saved me…I LOVE YOU!!
SAM- And a bit tired…maybe you should have a lie down Frodo..
FRODO- I LOVE YOU ARAGORN!!!
BOROMIR- Ahhhhhh! how cute!
GIMLI- (Grabs Legolas’s hand) mmmmmmmm
LEGOLAS- GET OFF!!
IS FRODO REALLY GAY?WILL GIMLI EVER DIE?WILL GANDALF UNDERSATND WHAT’S GOING ON?WILL BOROMIR GET ANY BRIGHTER?WILL SAM (ONCE AGAIN AGAIN) THINK EVERYONE IS INSANE?WILL MERRY AND PIPPIN OWN UP TO EATING ALL THE FOOD?WILL LEGOLAS EVER GET GIMLI TO LET GO OF HIS HAND?
FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON ‘THE LORD OF THE RINGS’….