The Larry of the Rings – Episode 1 – Drive into the river, Ann; or Hit him again, Ainariel! Hit him again!

by Jul 17, 2003Other News

The Larry of the Rings – Episode 1
Drive into the river, Ann; or Hit him again, Ainariel! Hit him again!

Note: We, the authors humbly suggest you become familiar with Veggie Tales before you read this. Seeing as if you don’t, you may be confused . . . this story also contains Christian “content,” as it is a VT/ TLOTR comedy.

Disclaimer: Technically, there aren’t supposed to be that many geniuses in the world. In that case, the 20th and 21st century have been incredibly blessed, because the Big Idea headquarters is swarming with them. There’s also the matter of J.R.R. Tolkien, the creator of Middle-earth and all the original tales that surround it. He must be a super-genius or something. Just for clarification, we don’t own any of these peoples’ work. We’re just the lowly fanfic writers who in great deference to these incredible people try to elaborate on what they’ve done. As one person wisely said, we are not even great enough to lick their shoes (which is a good thing since they would probably taste even worse than dried asparagi [no offense, asparagi!] cooked in cod liver oil, even if they [the authors] are geniuses.)


Allow me to gaze into my palantir. Oh, let’s say, to December of 2003. The premiere of the Return of the King. Can you imagine it? The anticipation that hangs in the air? This epic adventure brought to the silver screen. The excitement that lingers in all fans’ hearts as-

“Do you have any idea where we’re going?”

“Absolutely no clue. The map says there should be an exit in the next three miles. Eru strike me dead if there is.”

“Have either of you seen a speed limit sign lately?”

“No, but I wouldn’t worry about it. There haven’t been cops around here for a half an hour. Drive like you’re being chased by a Nazgul. The show starts in 2 hours.”

“Do you think there’s any hope of finding a rest stop anywhere? I, uhhh…”

Perhaps it was Fate who brought these three girls to this very spot that night. Or perhaps it was the fact that their maps were two decades old. But whether it was the maps or Fate, Lily, Nienna, and Ainariel found themselves on a country road, winding through a densely wooded area in unknown terrain. Their destination: the U.S. premiere of the Return of the King.

Ainariel, having been appointed navigator, was at the point of tearing out her hair from stress. The maps she had been given were crinkled and yellowed, and, obviously, told lies. Nienna was driving, and, from all appearances, was merely trying to keep her mind on the road. Or perhaps it was the thought of seeing Elijah Wood that kept her so quiet. The world may never know. Lily, contrary to both her companions, kept jubilant and incessantly sang songs. She had been named the “Took” of the bunch for apparent reasons.

Now, Frodo Joe McBaggins was a really clumsy kid
On the first day of Maggot’s farm
I’ll tell you what he did
He stole some fresh green cabbages
and ran from Maggot’s dogs
fell upon a rock
And then he tripped over a log

He needed first aid
On the first day
First aid on the first day
First aid on the first day!
You could heal an army with the athelas he took

Now, Frodo Joe McBaggins was a really clumsy kid
On the second day of Brandywine
I’ll tell you what he did
he ran from Nazgûl’s horses, and
Jumped over a gap
Landed face down clumsily
Right on Samwise’s lap

He needed first aid
On the second day
First aid on the second day
First aid on the second day!
You could heal an army with the athelas he took

Now, Frodo Joe McBaggins was a really clumsy kid
On the third day of Breeland
I’ll tell you what he did
While dancing to a silly song
He fell upon his back
The ring slipped upon his finger
and then everything went black

He needed first aid
On the third day
First aid on the third day
First aid on the third day!
You could heal an army with the athelas he took

Now, Frodo Joe McBaggins was a really clumsy kid
On the fourth day of Weathertop
I’ll tell you what he did
he ran up to a Nazgûl
tripped upon his cloak
Landed on the flagstones
By a Mogul blade was smote

He needed first aid –

“Lily, we’re kind of trying to find our exit. If you’re going to sing, at least sing something that makes sense. And it’s `Morgul blade’, not `Mogul blade,'” snapped Ainariel irritably. “Do you think he’s going to be stabbed by a skiing obstacle, or what?”

“C’mon, get in the spirit of the evening! It’s just a typo! We’re supposed to be happy! Sing with me!” an unabashed Lily replied, but threw in a classical tape to be friendly (after hitting Ainariel lightly on the head with it).

“Happy?! We’re lost!” Ainariel cried, turning on the dome light and peering once again at the discombobulated map.

“No, no, don’t exaggerate,” Lily said, “We just . . . don’t know where we are . . . exactly.”

She shrugged, then grinned nonchalantly. “It’s an adventure!”

The three girls had been looking forward to this night for months upon months. Each was decked out in hobbit attire, including little green cloaks with leaf like clasps. Their feet were bare, since all three had spent considerable time walking across gravel roads to get callouses that would be like Frodo and his hobbit companions. To say that any of these girls had no life would be cruel. Though probably not untrue. Then again, the truth hurts. Especially after treading on very small rocks for hours on end.

“Nienna, could you put a little more acceleration in this? You’re driving like an old man in a golf cart,” said Ainariel, glancing pointedly at her watch again for emphasis. It read two seconds later than the last time she’d gazed upon it.

“Aaaah!! There’s a stop light!!! What kind of perverse Ringwraith puts a stop light in the middle of the woods?!!” the sudden burst of passionate confusion from Nienna caused both Lily and Ainariel to jump in surprise. She had kept relatively sane through the interesting drive.

“Stop for it! It’s the law!”

“No, we’re in a hurry! Law? I’ll find a loophole! Who cares about the law?? There aren’t any cops!!”

“Who cares?! We could regret running it! Nienna, stop!”

“No! Aah . . .Aah! Too late!!” Laying on the horn just in case, Nienna sped the car through the intersection.

“You could have killed us!” Lily was very shaken.

“It isn’t my fault! You two were yelling at me!” Nienna defended, “Anyway, we’re still alive, so who cares?”

“What’s that noise?” asked Ainariel. All three strained their ears, listening intently. Nienna slowed the car down, and the sound that reached their ears was far from comforting: sssssss….

“No, no, no, no, no, no . . . .” Ainariel groaned. They all knew what it was. The tires.

Nienna pulled the car over to the side of the road, putting it into park, and they all piled out to find the leak. It wasn’t hard to spot. The upper right tire sagged pathetically, panting out its remaining air in exhausted gasps. “So . . .would you say this tire is half-empty or half-full?” was Lily’s helpful contribution. She was silenced by the combined glares of the other two.

Shivering against the brutal wind of the December night, the three girls huddled outside of the car, yanking their cloaks close, stunned at their misfortune.

There was a moment of silence for the deceased tire. Ainariel coughed, her teeth chattering. “Do either of you have any shoes I could borrow?” she asked, quietly.

“We didn’t bring any shoes, remember?” Nienna said, perhaps a little more indignantly than she had intended.

“Well, whose bright idea was it to go barefoot in December?!” cried Ainariel, absolutely flabbergasted.

“Don’t put the blame on me; you agreed,” Lily snorted.

“Well . . .”

“Well, what?”

Several screams of excitement and surprise followed the newcomer’s voice as all three girls scrambled to turn and see who had stumbled upon their council. Lily fumbled for her sword, but realized she didn’t have one, so she and Nienna stood defiantly in front of the car, hoping that the man wasn’t some kind of mugger. It was only a kindly old gentleman, but Ainariel was ready for all circumstances, and his appearance didn’t stop her slamming him backwards with her purse. Crying out, he sprawled on the asphalt, crumpled and helpless. Not one of the girls was very concerned with the man; eventually, however, as he was just lying there groaning, Ainariel glanced at the others nervously trying to regain her composure.

“Maybe he knows where we could find a spare tire . . .then we could continue on.”

“Oh, like I want you to navigate again,” Nienna responded angrily, “you’re the one who got us here in the first place.” Ainariel’s eyes slitted angrily.

“I wasn’t the one who sped through a red light and managed to pop the tire!”

“Sorry, but could you two stop it? Only the show starts soon, and I’d rather be in the middle of a movie and a bottle of root beer than a squabble.”

The two spun on Lily. “We weren’t exactly helped by your singing,” was Ainariel’s vicious comment.

“I was just . . .getting us into the mood.”

“You were just getting into the mood?!” Nienna raged. “You could have gotten us killed! You kept singing, and wouldn’t shut up! How do you expect me to drive when you’re screaming in my ear? That’s almost as helpful as Miss `of course I can navigate.’ What’s your problem? `Oh no,’ you say. `I’m sorry. I was just getting into the mood.’ Well sometimes that isn’t good enough. Why did I ever let myself get stuck with you two? Nothing is worth this!

“You know, I think you three need to learn some compassion.” The man hoisted himself into a sitting position. “And mercy.” He was on his feet now, but kept glancing at Ainariel like she was going to leap forward and smite him again, which wasn’t far from the truth.

“Compassion?” Lily ventured, looking like she’d heard the word but was having trouble piecing together a definition. “Er, wait, I think I know that one . . . hold on a minute . . . it’s on the tip of my tongue . . .”

“Mercy? Compassion? You’re going to give us a lesson in mercy and compassion when ROTK comes out in an hour and a half? Couldn’t this wait?” The would-be teacher shifted back a little, but otherwise appeared unfazed (and a little confused) at Nienna’s comment.

“What’s ROTK?” He asked.


“Would that not be TROTHK?”

Lily tried that out. “Trothk. trothka. TRot . . .oh. Sorry.” After a second Nienna and Ainariel’s stares were redirected at the stranger again. He cleared his throat, a little uneasily.

“Am I correct in assuming that you are Tolkien fans?” he inquired. The girls’ glances went from him to their apparel. How could it be otherwise? They were clad in hobbit frocks and dark cloaks, and were barefoot! In the dead of winter! What other hair-brained idiot would dress like that in December but a die-hard Tolkien freak?

“Then maybe I should tell this story in a way you can understand it,” the old man continued. Lily’s eyes lit up at the thought of a new story, but Ainariel was apprehensive. She wasn’t quite over her shock, and the old man still seemed suspicious, especially when he added: “Here, why don’t you all come to my cabin – it’s not far, and it’ll be warmer there.”

“You don’t honestly think we’re going to follow you to your house, do you?” Ainariel was not about to be duped this easily.

“I have a phone. You can call a tow truck from there.”

“Come on, guys, what’s he going to do?” The idea of a story still fascinated Lily, and a cozy cabin sounded a lot better right now than freezing asphalt and a helpless car. “He just wants to help us. Plus, if he tries anything, Ainariel’s already proven she can take him . . .er, no offense, sir.”

“This is a bad idea,” Nienna said. She was, if possible, even warier than Ainariel. “You guys, really. At least one of us should be careful, and stay out here, or something. I wish we had a cell-phone, now. So much for the `Hobbits don’t have them, why should I?’ attitude. He could be dangerous – we’re out in the middle of who-knows-where! No offense, sir . . .”

“Don’t worry, no-one can stand against . . .ta-da-ta . . .Lily-Girl!” Lily struck a pose, beaming.

“Lily-Girl?” Ainariel asked. The term sounded familiar – even more so as Lily began to hum a tune. It was the theme song from something, she knew it. But what?

“Oh, no. Not again.” Nienna was doing her best to act like she had never laid eyes on Lily and was just an extremely embarrassed stranger. As it was pretty obvious they knew each other, it wasn’t working. “Lily, isn’t The Lord of the Rings enough right now?”

Lily smiled and issued the preliminary words of what was sure to be a defense of the wondrous ways of “Why just speak excitedly about one subject when you could sing about two or more” . . . etc. when Ainariel, sensing that this had the makings of a long dialogue, spoke up.

“Look, let’s just go. It’s getting colder by the minute, and I can always hit him with my purse if he tries anything.” Her gaze shifted to glower at the man sideways, just to indicate she was serious.

A slight bit of terror filled the man’s eyes at this proposition, but obviously as eager to exit the freezing outdoors as soon as possible and narrate his tale, he merely said, “The cabin’s this way. Just follow me.”

“I still think this is a bad idea,” muttered Nienna as they began to stroll quickly down the winding dirt path leading into the woods. “But does anyone ever listen to me?”

“Don’t worry, I’m still listening, Nienna,” remarked Lily, patting her shoulder. “Even if you do worry way too much.”

“Oh, thanks.”


The cabin was heaven. The girls were sure of it. Toastier than a beautiful July afternoon, the warm, smooth wood of the floor was outdone only by the soft rug, woven of the coziest twirls of colour the world could devise. Breathing deeply of the crisp, crackling scents coming from flame and hewn pine, Lily spun in bliss, skirt flaring out. Nienna and Ainariel were only slightly less excited.

“Oh, thank you,” Ainariel gushed, rubbing her arms to warm up, “you have no idea how good this feels.”

“Ahhh . . .I can feel my toes again.” Nienna sighed, then narrowed her eyes at Lily, who stopped swirling around to meet her gaze, “Of course, they wouldn’t have been numb in the first place if it weren’t for a certain `hobbit’ and her `if Frodo can do it, I can do it’ attitude.

“Hey,” Lily protested, “we’d have been fine if the tire hadn’t popped.”

“Oh, so it’s my fault now, is it?”

“Um, I’m going to go call a tow truck,” Ainariel edged away, turning to the man. “Could you tell me where the phone is?”

“Over there, on the table.”


Meanwhile, Nienna and Lily were still arguing.

” . . .And now we’re in a strange house – “

” – Cabin.”

Nienna intensified her glare. “Same thing. Anyway a strange habitation with a strange man whose name we still don’t know . . .”

Perhaps recognizing that at last here was a problem she could solve, Lily whipped toward the man. “Oy! What’s your name?”

Although a little astounded at Lily’s needing to call out loudly in a one room cabin, he responded. “Tom. Tom `Bombur’ Dil.”

Lily considered this. “Why do you have quotation marks around your name?”

“My mother enjoyed the sound it made. Now why don’t you three come over and sit by the fire while I tell you this tale?”

“Um, Ainariel’s still by the phone.” Nienna noted.

“Actually, I’m not,” she stated disgustedly, striding over. “They needed an address, and of course I couldn’t give them one.” She scowled at the man as if it were his fault she hadn’t asked for an address before calling.

“Let’s just listen to the story,” Lily suggested, “and maybe we can figure out what to do afterwards.”

“Yeah, like when ROTK’s already over and it doesn’t matter anyway,” Nienna grumbled, but followed them over nevertheless. Within moments she was enjoying the comforts of a large armchair, smothered in a woven throw, while Lily and Ainariel curled up on opposite ends of the small couch, snuggling into the pillows, sneaking their frozen toes into the creases between the cushions. As for Tom “Bombur” Dil, he was reclining in a rocking chair, puffing at a long, clay pipe, pushing himself back and forth, back and forth . . .at least until Lily complained of dizziness. Then he ceased, and began to speak.

“Now when Tolkien penned that literary masterpiece, `The Lord of the Rings,'” he opened, “he wrote down what actually happened. Or at least one version of it, for as with every story, there are different points of view on what actually occurred. This story takes place in Middle Earth, at the time of the War of the Ring, and includes the Fellowship and all the other familiar elements found in `The Lord of the Rings,’ but it is not quite the same tale. You see . . .”

“Hold it,” Nienna demanded, “this isn’t going to be a breach of canon, is it? There aren’t any Mary-Sues in this story? Because if there are . . .” she trailed off meaningfully, indicating that her ensuing actions if it were would not be pleasant.

“That is up to you.” Tom smiled.

“What do you mean?” Lily was perplexed. “I’m confused. You’re the one telling the story.”

“Am I?” Tom smiled once again, sending another smoke cloud sailing toward the three girls. Lily, who abhorred anything having to do with tobacco, hacked meaningfully. The man ignored her.

Those were the last spoken words (and sound) the girls heard for a while, as their vision was clouded in purple. Ainariel thought for a moment that it was the smoke from the pipe, but a second later, she knew she was wrong. The oddest sensation swelled up in them – like they were both sinking and floating, breathing and suffocating, inventing and destroying, and, for an even weirder addition to this already terrifying mix, like they were savoring a piece of chocolate cake with no flavour. At least this made Nienna happy. She didn’t like chocolate cake.


Authors’ Notes:

Unfortunately, Ainariel was not here (meaning her computer broke down ) for the submitting of this story. Yet I believe I can safely say for all of us that we love VT and TLOTR, and hope you enjoy this humble story of both!

By the way, Lily has asked me to include this petition. It is to get Phil Vischer and Mike Nawrocki on the Veggie Tales thread for a special appearance! Just tell us in a comment if you’d like to be on the list. (All petitioners will be notified through the Veggie Tales thread if the folks at Big Idea do, indeed, decide to join us.)

We, of the VeggieTales Thread, hereby request the honorable presence of Mike Nawrocki, Phil Vischer, and any other wonderful personages from Big Idea who’d like to add in their nine hundred cents. Which is nine dollars.

Lily the Cucumber (Lily Took)
Vicki H. Cucumber (Harpist of Rohan)
Ann the Tomato (Nienna Telrunya)
Claudette, ze French Pea shieldmaiden (ShieldMaidenOfRohan)
Jeanlily, ze French “slushie-queen” Pea (Tigerlily_Goldworthy)
Tari Carrot (Tari_Niphredil)
Christoffe, the French Pea who Lived (americangirl)
Phil Tol, both a French Pea and grand vizier to Jeanlily (bwahaha) (Ninquetolliel)
Ruby Carrot, partner (with Lily) in the Ridiculously Long Sandwich Business (Ruby_Took)


Submit a Comment

Found in Home 5 News 5 Other News 5 The Larry of the Rings – Episode 1 – Drive into the river, Ann; or Hit him again, Ainariel! Hit him again!

You may also like…