Narrator: Frodo has crept quietly back to the river, avoiding the marauding hordes of Saruman with his magic ring that Gandalf SPECIFICALLY told him never to wear, and is now attempting to paddle across the river without dropping the oars overboard.
Frodo: I’m going to Mordor alone, Sam.
Sam: Course you are. And I’m coming with you. YAAAH! (splash)
Frodo: Oh curses, now I’ll get my hands all wet. (hauls Sam up)
Sam: (hack, sputter, choke) Thank you, Mr. Frodo, you saved my life. (hurls)
Frodo: YUCK! That’s disgusting! Why couldn’t you have done that over the side of the boat? Aaaah! It got on my foot!
Sam: Sorry, Mr. Frodo, but at least we have to spend only about ten minutes in this boat while we cross the river…unless, of course, we continue not paddling and drift over the always deadly Falls of Rauros…uh-oh…grab your paddle, Mr. Frodo!
(several tense minutes pass, during which Frodo and Sam pray desperately to Elbereth)
Sam: Well, Mr. Frodo, we made it across the river. We’re safe.
Frodo: Are you nuts? First we have to get across the impassible labyrinth of Emyn Muil, which is impossible. Then we have to somehow shake Gollum from our trail. Then we must go all the way to Mordor without being seen, and then we have to get through the impenetrable gates, then go across the plain of Gorgoroth, finally find Mt. Doom, and pitch the Ring in, which will grow heavier every step!
Sam: It’s not as bad as that, sir. Personally, I never had much trouble finding mountains.
Aragorn: Well, now that we sent Boromir over the waterfall as our sacrifice to the river god, we’d better be off to rescue Merry and Pippin.
Legolas: Well, I suppose. Dumb Hobbits! Why’d they have to let themselves get captured like that. Elrond should’ve known they’d be nothing but trouble on this trip.
Aragorn: Oh, come on, they might do something useful.
Legolas: Hah! What, like help kill a Nazgul, or maybe save some prince from being murdered by his insane father?
Aragorn: I guess it does sound rather moronic…
Gimli: (lovesick sigh) Let’s follow after Frodo instead, he doesn’t have nearly that big a lead. Or heck, let’s head back to Lothlorien.
Aragorn: Let’s vote. I vote to follow Merry and Pippin.
Gimli: I vote to follow Frodo.
Legolas: Let’s go after Merry and Pippin. 100 to 1 we’ll catch up to them, 10 to 1 they’d even be alive, and 3 to 1 that if we ever catch up we’ll be able to get them back, so the odds are 3000 to 1, give or take, but oh well.
Aragorn: All right! For the first time on this stupid quest someone agrees with me!
Legolas: Actually, I don’t agree with you, really.
Legolas: Yeah, I was just doing some calculations, and that boat can’t hold all of us. It would sink, and we would have to swim across the Anduin. A hundred yards upstream from a waterfall, too. Of course, I could make it, but the Dwarf…
Aragorn: Fine, let’s hunt some Orc!
Aragorn: Uruk-hai. Right.
To be continued in `The Two Towers’!