Narrator: Floating gently down the river Anduin, the Fellowship has nothing to do but gaze drearily over the side of the boats. And sing.
Merry: We’re all livin’ in three little boats, three little boats, three little boats….
Boromir: Yes! I can finally stretch out my legs!
Narrator: The Fellowship has neared the end of their voyage down the river Anduin.
Aragorn: The gates of Argonath! Long have I desired to look upon them!
Frodo: Then why didn’t you just come here sometime and look at them?
Aragorn: Uuuuuuhhhhh….I’ve been busy.
Sam: For what? Eighty-seven years?
Aragorn: Well, I was never in the neighborhood before.
Frodo: You were in Lothlorien, right? You’ve been to Gondor before, right? You served in Rohan, right?
Aragorn: Well, I wasn’t dumb enough to come over here, if you must know! Anyone with the slightest bit of brains would realize that going down this ruddy river with Orc archers on one side is utterly stupid!
Frodo: So why exactly are WE coming down here?
Aragorn: Don’t ask me, the Elves just shoved me in the boat and pushed us off before I could ask them.
Legolas: Arrows ahoy!
Aragorn: What did he just say?
Sam: Something about pirates.
Frodo: Pirates? You dunce, it didn’t have anything to do with pirates!
Sam: Well, he said `ahoy’, didn’t he?
Frodo: Can’t he toss over a simple quote without being mistaken for a pirate?
Sam: His father was a pirate!
Sam: A pirate. He went by some sort of strange nickname: `Bootstrap Thranduil’, or something like that….
Frodo: Legolas’s father is a well-respected Elf-king of Mirkwood! Why on Middle-earth would you think he’d take up something like piracy?
Sam: He’s completely obsessed with treasure.
Aragorn: Will you two quit arguing and tell me what he said?
Frodo: I didn’t quite catch it all, but there was something about rowing.
Aragorn: Rowing? I’ve been rowing this blasted boat for fifty miles, and he’s talking about rowing?
Sam: Maybe he wants you to row faster.
Aragorn: Faster? If I row any faster the ruddy boat will flip over! Hey, who’s shooting arrows at us? Aaah! Duck, Frodo!
Frodo: Me? The arrows just bounce off my shirt, watch.
Sam: They might hit you on the head, though. Here. (jams cooking pot over Frodo’s head)
Frodo: Aaah! Gross! Someone’s been using this for defecation!
Aragorn: What did he say?
Sam: Something about defamation or defacing. Maybe someone’s been scrawling graffiti on the inside of my cooking pot.
Aragorn: I think it’s because — whoa, that was close! — Pippin was using that pot for, uh… relieving himself in Moria.
Aragorn: Here, you’d better get that pot off.
Sam: (pulls pot) It’s stuck!
Aragorn: Blasted Halflings — Legolas, Boromir, head for that landing!
(a few minutes later, the boats pull up and everyone gets out, stretching their legs, except for Frodo)
Aragorn: See here, Legolas, I told you to be on watch and alert me if you saw any Orcs, so I’d know if they were going to shoot at us. And instead you just yell at me to row the stupid boat faster!
(Legolas clouts Aragorn with a boat paddle)
Sam: Could somebody please help me remove this pot from Mr. Frodo’s head?
Boromir: I’ll help! Here, I’ll hold onto the Ring while you pull on the pot, okay?
Sam: Got it! You alright, Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: (pukes into river) I think I need to be alone…I’m going for a walk..
(some time later)
Legolas: We should leave now. A shadow and a threat have been growing in my mind. Something draws near — I can feel it.
Aragorn: Why is it whenever things are going okay people starting telling me about their bad feelings they have, and then people start dying like flies?
Legolas: Well, don’t blame me, it’s just this little `Spidey-sense’ thing that I —
Sam: Where’s Frodo?
Merry: That dunce! What possible reason could he have for wandering off?
Pippin: Besides the Ring taking hold of him and making him sick of the rest of the world, and that disgusting cooking pot on his head, right?
Gimli I hate to be the one to mention this, but Boromir’s gone too.
Aragorn: Oh great. Come on, guys, spread out and find them.