Narrator: The Fellowship (minus one) has reached the beautiful woodland realm of Lothlorien. Though it was winter, it would still be a well-frequented holiday resort if it were not for the bow-wielding and reasonably insane Elves who had nothing fun to do while guarding the borderlines…
Legolas: Lothlorien! Lothlorien! Oh fairest of the woodsy glens!
Gimli: Oh, please, no poetry!
Aragorn: Especially poetry as bad as that!
Legolas: You freeze too!
Aragorn: Ah! Saved at last! Haldir, if you would just take us –
Gimli: Aragorn! These woods are perilous! We should go back!
Aragorn: Gimli, will you please just SHUT UP!!!!!!!
Narrator: Led by Haldir to Caras Galadhon, the Fellowship is taken before the Lord and Lady of the Wood, who, being the wisest of all beings, encourage the Fellowship to hold firm to their quest with strong and hearty words.
Celeborn: In case you’re wondering, you’re not welcome here.
Galadriel: In case you’re wondering, I’m a telepath.
Celeborn: What hope you had in secrecy is gone.
Galadriel: The quest now stands upon the edge of a knife. Stray but a little and it will fail, to the ruin of all.
Celeborn: Our scouts have seen hundreds of Orcs all around us!
Galadriel: The Ring will waste its bearer down to nothing!
Celeborn: You are being hunted!
Pippin: Why did we come here, anyway?
Aragorn: To get our bodies and minds refreshed, and to get some good advice.
Gimli: Well, when you’re dealing with Elves, one out of three ain’t bad.
Celeborn: What? Let me at him…..
Galadriel: Do not let the great emptiness of Khazad-dum fill your heart, Gimli, son of Gloin. For the world has grown full of peril.
Legolas: (thumps Gimli on the back)
Galadriel: Go now and rest, for you are weary with sorrow and much toil. And try for a while to forget the imminent danger that presses ever closer on all sides.
Galadriel: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?
Mirror: But you’re a close second…better watch out, some shield maiden from Rohan’s been moving upwards like lightning…
Galadriel: Thanks for the tip. Anyway, on to things of greater importance. Mirror, mirror, on the pedestal, what is Sauron doing is his dirty little hall?
Frodo: Weird! A birdbath that shows magic pictures! I have a question, why do you first refer to it as `on the wall’ and then `on the pedestal’?
Galadriel: Because no matter how hard I try, I can’t get a decent rhyme if I use `pedestal’ on the first one. Anyway, it’s not a birdbath, it’s my magic mirror.
Frodo: Want the Ring?
Galadriel: Yes! Yes! It’s mine! My own! My birthday present it was, gollum! (slobber, drool) We wants it! Give it to us, my precious, or we’ll throttles you, gollum, gollum! No, I’d better not. You keep it.
Narrator: On the day of departure, Galadriel gathers the Fellowship and gives them all a cloak, and then one smaller, personal gift, to everyone except Boromir, for reasons unstated.
Galadriel: Frodo, I have a beautiful glass phial filled with luminescent water for you. May it be a light to you in dark places, when all –
Frodo: Oh great! Another thing to drag me down. I already have a sword, a stupid chain mail shirt that’s supposed to be light as a feather, a 400-lb ring around my neck, and now a five-pound night-light!
Galadriel: And for you, my stout Samwise – stout in more ways then one – Elvish rope, made if hithlain.
Sam: Thanks! I can already imagine the myriad of uses for it! For instance, we can climb down cliffs, tie up evil guys, use it to fasten our Elven cloaks on if by chance we lose the rest of our clothes, gee, the possibilities are endless… I’ll probably never use it, though…sigh….
Galadriel: For you, Legolas, a new bow and quiver of arrows.
Galadriel: Merry, Pippin, here’s a couple of spare daggers…
Galadriel: And Gimli. Don’t tell me, you want a lock of hair.
Gimli: No m’lady, just a single strand would be enough.
Galadriel Right-o. (snip) Here you are!
Celeborn: And for Aragorn, here is this quaint little dagger….
Aragorn: All right!
Elf 1: Lembas! Elvish way bread.
Elf 2: Once small bite can keep you going….
Elf 3: ….for an entire day! The only side effect is that they give you gas!
Merry: Amazing! What’s in them?
Elf 1: You don’t want to ask that question.
Elf 2: You definitely don’t want to ask that question.
Elf 3: Well, mallorn sawdust, Anduin salmon, a little dried elanor, Galadriel’s toenail clippings –
Elves 1 and 2: Shut up, you moron!
Celeborn: Well it’s been nice having you, but we all feel that the time has come for you to continue on your quest.
Galadriel So we’ve given you these boats to help you on your way. Bye!