When all have been released, yea’ there shall come forth a great “Screening”, and all who attend shalle sitte for nine hours – nine, for the Fellowship – to watche the whole thing righte through to the very tiny credits at the ende.
All shalle wear a dress fancie or somesuch and many times those who come as elves shalle be told to “sitte downe more”, by the unfortunate who came as dwarves or hobbits, that have the cinema seats behinde.
And the one hundred and fifty nine people who comme as Gandalf the Grey wille be asked to remove their hats. They will be expected to arrive at their seats precisely when they mean to, on the strict understanding that this is on time, and never late.
All shall be expected to quote the correct lines of elf-speak, and all shall go “oooh” at the fireworks, cry “Gandalf!”, “Preciouss”, “Come and Claim Him”, “Master Frodo!”, “Speak Friend and Enter”, and humme merry songs of Roads going ever onne and onne and so-on and so-forth, at appropriate points during the course of the screening.
Whenne a scene of Orc presentness occurs, all may wave little light-sticks that glow in a blue fashion.
No firing of arrows is permitted at any stage, especially not at the screen, or at personnages who come dressed as Boromir.
Atte the intermission, forty two of the Gandalfs (who came better prepared) may retire to the reste-room to change into appropriate garments of white.
Whenever the Riders (Rohan or Wraith) set forthe, a livelie accompaniment on coconut half-shell is encouraged. (refere to Monty Python and the Holy Graile for further instruction in this matter.)
When the banner of the king is unfurled, all shall cheere mightily, save for those who come ringed as Wraiths, Orcs, Uruk-hai, or Sauron. These may be permitted to boo quietly.
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No smoking of pipeweeds is permitted in the theatre.
No throwing of Palantirs, no releasing of insects.
No casting of rings, biting of fingers, or eating of smelly fish.
Slinking, Stinking, Sneaking and Swooning to be kept to a minimum, and no Tossing at all.
Blowing of the Horn of Gondor is permitted, but only where appropriate.
At all other times it must be kept switched off, until such a time as the owner is no longer inside the theatre.
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