The Diary of Gollum
Aug 7, 3018
Popped over to attend Overdressers Anonymous Meeting in Misty Mountains
only to discover was booby trap set by Sauron. Stupid Sauron.
Held captive by orcs in Barad-Dur. Have been forced to watch “Flipper”
over and over until give in and tell them where Ring is. Evil methods
of torture refined over millennia. Will not give in. Will remain strong.
Orcs have switched to repeat viewings of “The Faculty.” Cannot cope.
Have told them where Ring is.
Escaped orcs. Tracked Ringbearer to Rivendell, but cannot get near him
as there are too many streams, and have developed fear of water since
being forced to watch dolphin movie 300 times.
Attempt to infiltrate Council of Elrond in lawn ornament disguise
unsuccessful. Was stashed in storage closet by annoying Elf princess,
where was trapped for hours.
Left Rivendell, following Fellowship. Not noticed. Lawn ornament disguise now working.
Jan 11, 3019
V. cold on top of Caradhras. Carried the Overdressers Anonymous thing a little too far.
V. Dark in Mines of Moria. Have been following sounds of Legolas
complaining loudly about dank air of Moria being bad for his skin.
Gandalf stuck gum in his hair while he wasn’t looking. Rather like
Gandalf. Always has gum.
Met up with v. mopey Balrog who seems to be carrying torch for Gandalf.
Told her best course of action was to try to talk it out, explain to
Gandalf that while they are two extremely different people, with value
systems and lifestyles that are in complete opposition to each other’s,
romance not ruled out. Balrog said this sounded like meaningless New
Age claptrap. Told Balrog to get out of Second Age, start living in the now.
Balrog-Gandalf conversation did not go as well as hoped, resulting in
gory death of both. Perhaps was not cut out to be matchmaker after all.
In Lothlorien. Attempt to lure Ringbearer from Indistinguishable Backup
Hobbits by placing trail of strawberries was foiled when Legolas found
berries and used them to make facial mask. Aragorn told him was
embarrassed to be seen with him while face covered in mush. Legolas
complained he is not getting any younger. Aragorn pointed out he wasn’t
exactly getting any older, either.
Stowed away in Legolas’ backpack but tipping of boat was not good for
stomach. Have been sick all over elf collection of hair care products.
Hope he does not notice.
Cannot stand Legolas complaining about state of his backpack. Off to
stalk Ringbearer in Mordor. Perhaps can bite off his finger and steal Ring.
The Diary of Ringwraith No.5
2251, the Second Age
Just opened Christmas pressie from Sauron. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty ring!
Got box of chocolates as Christmas bonus from Dark Lord, again. As per
usual, Sauron ate all the toffees and left the strawberry creams. How I
detest this life of vile servitude. Still disembodied.
2942, the Third Age
V. bored in Barad-Dur. Nothing to do but play Scrabble with Orcs. Is v.
annoying as Orcs only know Black Speech of Mordor. You try spelling Azg
Nazg Gimbatul for a triple word score. Yeah, I didn’t think so.
June 10, 3018
Sauron gearing up for something. Have been given orders to sally forth
and hunt down hobbit who has somehow gotten hold of Ruling Ring.
Witch-King of Angmar’s suggestion to place pictures of Ruling Ring on
milk cartons and wait for calls to come in was ignored.
Have been given new horse. Preferred palomino, but am assured look
better with black. Go me! On minus side, still disembodied.
V. close to nabbing Ringbearer tonight, but head Nazgul suffered attack
of giggles while observing Ringbearer and his three companions. Suspect
Gandalf chose Ringbearer on account of big blue eyes, rather than
possession of heroic-type fortitude. Will catch up with pretty-boy
Hobbit in Bree. V. much looking forward to post-slaughter booze-up.
Drat that Aragorn. Drat Isildur and all his Heirs of no use to anyone.
Son of Arathorn has Hobbit-napped the Ringbearer. To combat
disappointment at failure to achieve goals set by Sauron, spent all
night boozing it up in Bree.
Have been following Isildur’s heir and pack of Hobbits for six days.
Had little accident at Weathertop. Aragorn set me on fire. And Sam tried
to kill me although did not notice had been hit in knees with frying pan until later on.
Met she-elf girlfriend of Isildur’s Heir today. Was so busy laughing
that inconveniently got washed away in stream.
Horse dead, armor all rusted. Must return to Mordor.
The Diary of Arwen Undomiel
Feb 14, 3018
Broke up with Aragorn today. He would insist on giving me a clay pipe
and hobbit weed for Valentine’s Day when I specifically requested
chocolates. Have sent him away from Rivendell.
Bored and lonely. Regret having sent Aragorn away. Wish I could be
interested in Elf men, but ever since debacle with Glorfindel back in
Second Age when he accused me of copying his hairstyle, have given up
on my own kind.
Too, too, too bored. Perhaps will leave Rivendell in search of adventure, or shopping.
Went all the way to the Gap of Rohan only to find there is no Gap in
Rohan. Not even a Banana Republic. False advertising!
Went to Bree. Asked Barliman if had seen Aragorn lately. Barliman said,
“What, that Still Not King guy, right? He’s hanging around with hobbits.
Little scum, really, but one really cute one.” Did not respond; some
people don’t deserve my conversation.
Have been looking for Aragorn for two weeks now. Have never really seen
hobbits close up before, except for Bilbo. Didn’t know they were
supposed to be cute.
Found Aragorn. Doesn’t he ever wash his hair when I’m not around?
Little hobbit really rather adorable, blast him. Cannot believe am getting all
swoony over hobbit. Repeat to self: “Aloof, unavailable elf princess.
Aloof, unavailable elf princess.” Chased by Ringwraiths. So tedious.
Well, really. Spent all day hanging about on bridge looking pretty
before Aragorn happened along. Had to send him off to wash his hair. Humans.
Hobbits such a bother. Cherry bombs. Drinking songs. Playing statue in
the flowerbeds. Kitchen staff fussing, all out of strawberries. Legolas
fussing, will not let me go to Council meeting as then he will not be
prettiest. Strain is obviously getting to Daddy.
Spent time with Gimli. That voice! Those braids! That axe! I am smitten.
No more humans for me; it is dwarves all the way now.
The Diary of Elrond Lord of Rivendell
3341, the Second Age
Big battle, we won, Sauron defeated. Plundered Barad-dur but notable
lack of pretty things to take home. Sauron’s decorating tastes
definitely running towards black, tattered look. So not me.
Year 1. the Third Age
Argument with Isildur. He would insist on wearing tacky gold jewelry
against my advice. Confirms my suspicions that humans not just weakest
race of Middle-earth, but also cannot accessorize at all.
Isildur set upon by orcs and killed. Told him his poor dress sense
would attract the wrong sort.
Oct 5, 3018
Arwen still gone. So bored in Rivendell. Have decided to hold council
meeting and invite anyone with free weekend to come. Hope Legolas
doesn’t come; never talks about anything but his hair.
Drat. Legolas first one to RSVP my party invitation. Wish he would not
use scented pink stationary as makes me sneeze. Did however offer to
bring game of Twister.
Unexpected surprise as Gandalf stopped by, apparently just to wheeze
about big fight he had with Saruman. Tuned him out — do I look like
Ann Landers? Why does everyone come to me with their problems?
Gandalf does not like Twister idea and has rejected my suggestions for
the Council. Instead insists we sit around and talk about boring old
fate of Middle Earth, defeat of ultimate evil, yada yada yada. Don’t
see why we all have to suffer just because Isildur couldn’t give up his jewelry habit.
Everyone finally arrived for party — oh wait, I mean Boring Secret
Council Meeting. Bumped into smallest hobbit hanging about the
greensward. Took him for inanimate lawn ornament at first.
All right, what is it with the cherry bombs? Is there no peace to be
had? Refused to let Arwen attend Council of Elrond, as if she does, she
will certainly notice I have borrowed her tiara. It looks better on me
anyway. Hope she has finally ditched the greasy-haired human.
Council very boring. Got to say “DOOM” a few times in v. dramatic voice
but am afraid Ringbearer was not impressed. Tried to practice big
speech beforehand, but am fairly sure someone was watching as could hear
tittering noise coming from broom closet.
The Diary of Sauron the Dark Lord
This place sucks. View from top window only slag and ashes. Prefer old
apt. in Mirkwood Towers. At least there was green. The wife, of course,
is the one who wanted to move.
Sept 16, 3000
Is not that being reduced to a disembodied eyeball is so bad, although
Visine would be a comfort. But whose bright idea was it to slice onions in here?
Blast those orcs and their fondness for onion dip. Have taken their
disco ball away. Oh, it’s fun to be evil.
Am bored. Have been waiting for Middle-Earthlink guy to come and install
DSL in Barad-Dur since second-age. Will use palantir as alternative.
Have met v. nice bloke over the palantir. An older gent, seems to have
copied hairstyle from Galadriel, but no matter. He likes me for me.
Shows proper respect. Finally someone to see past the eyeball.
Sept 8, 3018
I spy with my big-huge-flaming eye…something resembling a gnome lawn
ornament. Witch King of Angmar tells me it’s a hobbit. Is rather cute.
ARGH! That tiny bloke has MY RING! Thought I lost it down the sink doing dishes.
The wife wants to take some Nazguls to retrieve the Ring for a
reasonable price before it is auctioned at Southeby’s. I offered her
two, but she took all nine, plus my best thoroughbreds. The orcs call
me once again The Black Eye.
Tried to ask Saruman advice about women and said some idiotic thing
about building an army instead. Is somewhat amusing watching him play
violin for orcs and goblin men in attempt to spark romance, so will not
clear up confusion just yet.
V. strange news from the north. Black riders engaging in fistfights.
Expenses soaring. They still did not get that ring. I would not mind,
but it is a trifle that my wife fancies.
Why is it that women never listen to anything men say? For years I’ve
told her that Nazgul have to stay clear of running water. Why did I not
leave her in Angband when I had the opportunity?
Elrond having another of his disastrous parties. Why was not invited?
Just because have no body and cannot play Twister is no reason to snub me.
The Nazgul are back, undressed, invisible, and so soaked that we can
trace them by following the wet footprints on the parquetry. Wife wants
new steeds for them. I say, give them bats, give them dinosaurs, give
them anything except my pigeons.
Jan 1, 3019
I suggest a nice weekend at the seaside of Nurn, but no way. Having only
fun in mind, she said, when there is so much dust to clean up from Mt.
Boom. I propose the orcs paint all the walls white so the ash doesn’t
show so much. Her answer could be heard from here to Bree. The orcs,
with their sensitive feeling for prominent anatomical features, call her The Mouth.
Bored bored bored, so caught up on palantir-watching today. Lovely
place, Moria, used to vacation there. Fellowship seemed lost; sent word
to Brenda to keep an eye out. I mean a look out. I mean… oh bugger.
No word back from Brenda. Suspect she is moping. Never could sort out
her love life. Always whining and writing in her journal.
Over-sensitive for a Balrog, no use at all.
Fellowship in Lothlorien. Oh my word. Galadriel Galadriel Galadriel.
It’s always about HER. I can’t believe I dated her once. I want dancing,
Sauron. I want flowers, Sauron. I want a ring, Sauron. Then she goes
off with that oaf Celeborn. Bet HE cannot forge twenty rings of Power.
Picky is gone! Haven’t I said to Khamul, “Don’t fly near Rohan, their
cuisine favours roasted pigeons”? Picky has always been my darling, won
three times the Gundabad-Lugburz air race. Taken down with an arrow.
When Khamul came back- leaving wet prints all over AGAIN- for the fool
swam the Anduin–he said it must have been a big Elf warrior. Can’t he
come up with a better excuse than that?
Finally some decent fighting. Orcs killed : four hundred, v. bad.
Humans killed : one.
Time to toss some Jiffy Pop into Mount Boom and watch the fireworks.