Sméagol and Déagol: The Untold Story – An LotR News Exclusive

by Dec 3, 2003Other News

(Return of the Theme…I mean, erm, the LotR News theme starts up again)

Banui: Suilad. I’m Banui Rochon, and this is LotR News. This evening we have a special report–the untold story of Sméagol and Déagol.

(camera pans over fields and rivers and marshes)

Banui: Sméagol and Déagol were Stoors, and they grew up together. Sméagol’s parents died when he was young, and he was raised by his grandmother. The two, say those who knew them, were inseparable.

Random Stoor Dude (in a really, really old interview): Oh, yeah, Sméagol and Déagol. They did everything together. Sméagol, poor chap. Always wondered what happened to ‘im…

Banui: In the year 2459, Sméagol, in need of money for college funds, decided to put a small product on the market. He had always had problems with his hair, and one day, frustrated, he whipped up some extra strong, supple hair gel. (camera pans over some bottles of an odd gel-like substance that appears to be slowly changing from one colour to another) In time, he found a chemical that caused the gel to change colour continuously, thereby making it more…interesting. When beset by college bills, he decided to attempt to put his product on the market. He called it “Sméa-Gel”.

(camera centres on a flat plastic bottle bearing a smiling hobbit and the words “Sméa-Gel” splashed iridescently across it)

Banui: Unfortunately for Sméagol, he never bothered to patent his idea. Déagol, who had recently totalled his father’s car for the seventeenth time, was desperately in need of money. Remembering old experiments he and Sméagol had done with Sméagol’s old chemistry set as children, he decided to get some of the needed money by putting a product out on the market. He called it “Déa-Gel”.

(camera centres on a round plastic bottle bearing another smiling hobbit, and the words “Déa-Gel” splashed across it in sparkly green)

Banui: When Sméagol and Déagol heard about each other’s products, they were furious. Each claimed to be the originator of the idea, and neither would take their product off the market. A promising friendship had become embittered.

(camera centres on a picture of Sméagol and Déagol playing together, now ripped in half)

Banui: The case was taken to court several times, but remained unresolved. No one could come up with any evidence as to which had thought of the idea first. Slowly, Sméagol and Déagol’s friendship became a bitter rivalry.

Bilbo Baggins, hobbit who encountered Sméagol: What? Why are you interviewing me? I don’t know anything about this! All I did was take his Precious! What does that have to do with hair gel??

Banui: Ahem. (glares at Bilbo) Never mind. Anyway, in mid-2463, Sméagol had had enough. It was his birthday, and he was tired of his former friend’s usurping of his marketing. That day, Déagol came over to go fishing. Sméagol pretended to be welcoming, and off they went. When Déagol found an especially nice trinket, Sméagol saw his chance. Now he could rid himself of his rival and have the hair gel market all to himself! Goodbye, Déa-Gel. So, pretending to want the trinket, he strangled Déagol to death.

Gandalf: WHAT? That’s not what happened! It was all the Ring!

Banui: SHH! The media doesn’t want to frighten the public with rumours of the Ring of Power! Are you crazy??

Frodo: But that’s–

Banui: Out you go. (pushes Gandalf and Frodo out the door)

Cut to a badly timed commercial:

(The Announcer pops up. He is short and emaciated, nearly bald, with very, very large eyes and a six-toothed grin.)

Announcer: Tired of boring hair?

(shot of Boromir, who apparently has “boring hair”

Announcer: Want a little more zest?

Boromir: Um, maybe… Just what exactly are you proposing??

Announcer: Then we have just the product for you!!

Boromir: Really.

Announcer: (ignores Boromir) Sméa-Gel! Eighth Wonder of the World! Just slap it on, and before you know it, your hair will become a conversation piece!

Boromir, whose hair is now something between green and orange and still changing: I’ll say.

Announcer: Impress your friends! Never be lost in a crowd again! That’s right, folks! Sméa-Gel is the product for everyone!

Comes in three handy sizes: Large, Larger, and Economy Size! Buy powdered Sméa-Gel for amazing colour-changing drinks, ’cause it tastes good, too!

Pippin: (munching) Sure does.

Aragorn: As if he’s a food critic…

Announcer: Don’t delay, buy Sméa-Gel today!


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