Shark Attack! – and other fictional obituaries

by Mar 22, 2006Other News


O.K.
So, the Quest is over. The Hobbits destroyed the Ring.
….?
Then what?

Here’s the futures of several LOTR characters as I see them:


Frodo:
Ha! Psyche. Frodo’s gone. He’s in Middle Earth’s Neverland. (“I will never grow up!” So I can’t write about him.

Sam:
Sam divorces Rosie Cotton and marries Lobelia Sackville-Baggins for approximately 3 months until she dies of old age. Then Rosie marries him again for the money (and Bag-End) that Lobelia leaves him.

Pippin:
Pippin becomes the town drunk at the age of forty-four. Until he disappears and is never heard from again.

Merry:
Merry becomes the only hobbit to ever run a mile. Therefore-(Bingo!) press conferrences, talk show appearances, news coverage-everything a hobbit would usually never get.

Aragorn:
Everybody already knows what happens to him.

Legolas:
Legolas doesn’t listen to Galadriel’s warning. He goes to the beach with a friend and gets eaten by a shark.

Gimli:
Gimli trips on a rock, severing his right pinkie-finger on his war-axe. He loses control of his hand due to the severed tendon. He’s so embarassed of his deformity that he never comes above ground again.

Eomer:
Eomer dies a bachelor at the age of thirty-nine. Large rock deemed to be cause of death.

Faramir:
Faramir marries Eowyn, (thirty children), becomes King of Rohan arter Eomer dies, and lives to be three hundred and thirty-two.

Eowyn:
Eowyn almost kills Faramir after thirtieth kid, but refrains from doing so.

Arwen:
Arwen marries a rich Elf after Aragorn dies. Dies at the age of nine hundred and forty-five.

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