Shark Attack! – and other fictional obituaries

by Mar 22, 2006Other News

So, the Quest is over. The Hobbits destroyed the Ring.
Then what?

Here’s the futures of several LOTR characters as I see them:

Ha! Psyche. Frodo’s gone. He’s in Middle Earth’s Neverland. (“I will never grow up!” So I can’t write about him.

Sam divorces Rosie Cotton and marries Lobelia Sackville-Baggins for approximately 3 months until she dies of old age. Then Rosie marries him again for the money (and Bag-End) that Lobelia leaves him.

Pippin becomes the town drunk at the age of forty-four. Until he disappears and is never heard from again.

Merry becomes the only hobbit to ever run a mile. Therefore-(Bingo!) press conferrences, talk show appearances, news coverage-everything a hobbit would usually never get.

Everybody already knows what happens to him.

Legolas doesn’t listen to Galadriel’s warning. He goes to the beach with a friend and gets eaten by a shark.

Gimli trips on a rock, severing his right pinkie-finger on his war-axe. He loses control of his hand due to the severed tendon. He’s so embarassed of his deformity that he never comes above ground again.

Eomer dies a bachelor at the age of thirty-nine. Large rock deemed to be cause of death.

Faramir marries Eowyn, (thirty children), becomes King of Rohan arter Eomer dies, and lives to be three hundred and thirty-two.

Eowyn almost kills Faramir after thirtieth kid, but refrains from doing so.

Arwen marries a rich Elf after Aragorn dies. Dies at the age of nine hundred and forty-five.


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