Script for the Fellowship of the Ring
Chapter 10: “a shortcut to mushrooms”
(Cut to Sam and Frodo walking along in cornfield. Sam stops.)
Sam: (panting under heavy load) Mr. Frodo, are we walking the whole way to Mordor?
Frodo: that’s the plan.
Sam: but it’ll take too long! Can’t we ride ponies, or take British Rail?
Frodo: hmmm … nah, it’ll be faster to walk.
Sam: but it might be dangerous!
Frodo: Sam, we’re still in the Shire. What could possibly happen?
Merry: why, hello, Frodo! Pip, look, it’s –
Sam: (throws Merry over cliff)
Pippin: what was that for? Now we’ll have to fall down and get him. You hold all these veggies we’ve stolen so you can red herring the farmer.
Sam: okay … wait a minute …
Farmer Maggot: oi! What you doing in my field … I have a pitchfork, and I’m not afraid to use it!
Sam, Pippin & Frodo: (run over cliff)
Merry, Pippin & Sam: (run to mushrooms. Sam starts to make a Cream of Mushroom stew.)
Frodo: um, not meaning to be obtrusive, just a suggestion, but do you reckon, under all the circumstances, that we should get off the road, if it’s all right with you?
Hobbits: (eat mushroom stew)
Frodo: get off the road!!
(All four hobbits jump into hollow under tree root. Enter Wraith #2, on way to Hobbiton.)
Wraith #2: (to itself) grumble … oh, yeah, Angmar gets all the fun assignments … I’m probably gonna be pulled out as soon as I find this Baggins bloke, then Angy gets all the glory …
Frodo: (faints and takes out Ring)
Wraith #2: I mean, even a little recognition now and then … what was that?
Frodo: (tries to put Ring on)
Wraith #2: sniff sniff.
Sam: (karate chops Frodo)
Frodo: (wakes up)
Merry: (lobs giant mushroom down the road)
Wraith #2: mushroom! Stuff the Baggins, I’ll find him later! (Rides off)
Pippin: what’d you go and do that for? Why is the mushroom gone?
Merry: to get rid of the wraith. This way, the wraith doesn’t bother us for a while, and that mushroom looked pretty unhealthy to me.
Pippin: but why is the mushroom gone?
Frodo: let’s scarper.
Chapter 11: Buckleberry Ferry
Merry: (to Frodo) what da heck was dat?
Frodo: (holds out Ring for all the world to see)
Merry: you been holding back your repayments to Odo Proudfoot again, eh?
Nazgûl #2: screech!
Hobbits: aaaaah! (Scarper)
(They run through the woods, and stop for breath under a huge gnarly old willow tree. Merry turns panting to Frodo.)
Merry: well, now we’re all together, we may as well do the Old Forest sequence.
Frodo: no! Can’t we just cut straight to Bree?
Merry: oh, come off it. It’s just a massive old spooky forest where hostile trees move around and talk to each other. What could happen here?
Old Man Willow: rock-a-bye hobbits, on the tree-top …
Old Man Willow: mmmm, *chomp*
Sam: (wakes up) Mr. Frodo! Mr. Frodo? Where are you!
Frodo: glub, splutter
Sam: (fishes out Frodo with fishing rod)
Frodo: cough, splutter … the tree pulled me in the river! I felt it! It pulled me in by the ankles!
Sam: it’s eating Mr. Merry!
Pippin: (in tree) and me too!
Sam: and Mr. Pippin! We have to do something!
Frodo: Sam, do you have any firewood?
Sam: no, but I’ve got some gasoline. You know, Just In Case!
Frodo: Just In Case of what? No, don’t answer that. Just spread it around the tree.
Sam: (spreading gasoline) what are we doing, Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: we’re having Willow Barbeque.
Sam: okay, but I’ll need some salt and pepper, maybe a pinch of tartar sauce or some salad garnish, a little parsley …
Frodo: just light the fire.
(Sam lights it. The flames roar up.)
Merry: it’s getting hot in here!
Pippin: did someone turn a radiator on? …
Old Man Willow: oww! Stoppit!
Merry: he says to stop it!
Pippin: … only it’s a little warm in here …
Sam: who says?
Merry: the tree!
Pippin: … really rather sweltering, come to think of it …
Sam & Frodo: the tree???
Merry: put it out! He’s squeezing us to death!
Pippin: … you know, it’s not exactly roomy in here …
Frodo: (jumps up and down on the fire) I’m putting it out! I’m – OW! – putting it out …
Tom Bombadil: (singing in exaggerated country accent) zippidy-doo-dah, zippidy-ay, my, oh my, what a wonderful day. Plenty of sunshine, in my way –
Frodo: help! Help!
Tom Bombadil: (continues accent) well, what do we have here? A hobbit, Brer Hobbit at that! And what may be your problem?
Frodo: Merry’s been swallowed by a tree!
Pippin: (in tree) so have I!
Frodo: … and Pippin!
Tom Bombadil: Well zippidy-me! What’s that rascal Brer Old Man Willow been a-doin’ now then? (To the willow tree) You just a-spit them a-right back out of there, Willow!
Old Man Willow: never!
Merry: whatever you do Mr. Willow, please, please don’t spit us into that briar patch.
Old Man Willow: briar patch?
Merry: yes, we’d never recover if’n you a-threw us into that ol’ briar patch.
Old Man Willow: hah! Ptooie!!
Merry & Pippin: (speed through the air and land in briar patch)
Merry: hah yourself! We’re safe here – ow! Thorns! Ow, my ankles!
Tom Bombadil: come with me, hobbits, come to Tom Bombadil’s home and be safe.
Frodo: we’d love to, but we’d never make it to Bree before sundown.
Tom Bombadil: okay! But be beware the Barrow-downs… (Dun dun dunn)
(The hobbits walk off, waving to Bombadil. They come out of the Forest onto a hilly down, shrouded in mist. The sun is suddenly below the horizon. Zoom in on Frodo, so you can only see him.)
Frodo: whew, it’s sure spooky here, eh guys?
(Pull back to long shot. The other hobbits have disappeared.)
(Inflatable hammer from off-screen knocks him out. Fade out. Fade in to the inside of a barrow, with the four hobbits lying asleep on the floor garbed in white robes and cheap plastic jewellery.)
Frodo: (wakes up and looks around wildly) where is this place? What happened to my clothes?
Barrow-Wight: (steps out of shadows. In exaggerated “Bond-baddie” accent) ah, I see you are awake, Mr. Baggins.
Frodo: who are you?
Barrow-Wight: I could tell you, but then I would have to kill you, and then the director would fire me. But I can tell you my fiendish plan. We Barrow-Wights have heard that a certain Wizard shall return from death garbed all in white. We cannot allow this to happen. So, we have bought out all the white clothes in Middle-earth. You have the privilege to be the first to witness our terrible plot, a plot to take the place of this White Wizard, and in his place rule the world!!! Mwahahahahaha!!!
Frodo: hah! I see a flaw in your fiendish plot! In the world there remains a liberal quantity of bleach!
Barrow-Wight: nooo! Our plot is foiled! (He runs away.)
Frodo: that was weird. Now how do I get out of this?
(The other hobbits wake up.)
Merry: well, it says in the script (he points to the script) that that guy Bombadil was supposed to teach us a song in case we got into trouble.
Sam: he never did!
Pippin: (quietly) I know the song.
Merry: I guess he forgot.
Frodo: so how does it say we escape?
Merry: um … (thumbs through script, stops and makes uh-oh face) we sing the song and Bombadil rescues us.
Sam: but he never taught us the stupid song!
Pippin: (slightly louder) I know the song.
Frodo: are you telling me that we’re stuck in here with no way out!?
Merry: (helplessly) looks like it.
(Pause) Pippin: I know the song. (The others stare at him.)
Merry: well why didn’t you say so?!
Pippin: I did.
Sam: how do you know the song?!
Pippin: I’ve read the book.
Merry: I didn’t know you could read.
Pippin: do you want me to sing the song?
Merry, Sam & Frodo: YES!
Pippin: do you really want me to sing it?
Frodo: just sing the *** song!
Pippin: (grinning) I can tell you don’t really want me to sing it.
Merry: (through gritted teeth) this is not funny, Pippin. Sing the song or …
Pippin: okay, okay. (Clears throat)
Bombadil, Bombadil, jolly Tom, mate!
We have a problem that’s needing some aid!
We’ve been trussed up like chickens and locked up like ducks!
We’d like you to come up and break all the locks!
Bombadil, Bombadil, jolly Tom-o!
We want you to come, to help us to go!
(The hobbits stare at Pippin with their mouths open incredulously.)
Pippin: (defensively) hey, I didn’t write it.
Frodo: no way is that gonna make Bombadil come up here –
Tom Bombadil: well how-dee! Did someone call?
Pippin: can you rescue us?
Tom Bombadil: Ah can in-deed. Just step this way.
(The door of the barrow opens, and the hobbits all run out. Bombadil turns to them, beaming.)
Tom Bombadil: there you are! Run free and naked in the green grass!
Tom Bombadil: or just free. I’m not too fussy.
(The hobbits thank Bombadil and go on their way.)
Merry: (points to script) how come this chapter’s called “Buckleberry Ferry”? We never went on it in the end!
Frodo: dunno. I suppose the scriptwriter just ran out of room.
(They all walk behind a tree, and as they come out they are suddenly dressed in their normal clothes again. They all walk into a patch of sparse trees and are lost to view. Cut to Bombadil, still waving them on their way.)
Tom Bombadil: well all’s well that ends well! I’d try to find a moral, but the director would shoot me. So tune in next time to another chronically confusing episode of The Lord of the Rings!!