A succession of recent victories have given leaders of Men, Elves and Dwarves great reason to fear Sauron, the Dark Lord of Mordor. The last few months have seen the twisting of Saruman the White into betrayal, the gathering of vast forces at the black gate and within Mordor, the forging of an alliance with the wild men of Dunland and several forays into territories reaching as far as the Shire.
Such a position of military strength, one would assume, would give rise to great confidence and a feeling of certainty that the lands would soon fall into shadow, but in recent press releases issued from the dark tower, those in Sauron’s inner circle describe him as paranoid and even `fearful’.
The reason? Ancient prophecy refers to the return of `The King’, and Sauron was reportedly `shocked and afraid’ to find that what was foretold has come to pass. Gate wardens at the Rohan capital city of Edoras were surprised this week when the man himself, Elvis Presley, rocked and rolled his way into the golden hall.
Clad in a white outfit studded with rhinestones, a small red cape and blue suede shoes, The King performed `Viva Edoras’ to a crowd of more than 1000 appreciative riders, who likened him to the distant memories of Eorlvas the Young. “The songs of old have returned to us” said Hama the doorwarden happily.
Mr Presley is arguably the greatest musical legend in the history of Middle-earth, winning thousands of hearts with such hits as “Hard Bree Hotel”, and “Wear my ring around your neck”. Such fame has brought its share of critics, most notably Beorn of Anduin Vales who gave the famous quote “nobody’s putting a chain around MY neck and leading me ANYWHERE”.
Checking his guitar at the door, Mr Presley entered the hall to give a personal performance of “Golden House Rock” to King Theoden and his sister-daughter Eowyn. When the audience was joined by Mr Grima Wormtongue, advisor to the King, an impromptu concert followed. Mr Presley drew upon several of the greatest hits of his career, including “You’re the Devil in Disguise”, “Don’t be Cruel” and finally “Return to Sender” before driving Mr Wormtongue from the hall.
To anyone with the most rudimentary knowledge of politics it was apparent that there was a whole lot of shaking going on, and King Theoden certainly seemed all shook up after the spontaneous concert. Gathering several of his family to him, Theoden stated that he had been deceived and Mr Wormtongue’s services were no longer needed. “We can’t go on together with suspicious minds” he was reported as saying. Demonstrating amazing grace, the Lord of the Mark had let the advisor go.
The Rohirrim then readied themselves for battle. “It’s now or never. C’mon, everybody” said King Theoden, leading them with his great horse and faithful hound dog. When Mr Presley was asked if he would apply his musical talents to the liberation of Isengard from Saruman’s treachery, he instead said they would ride to the aid of Gondor and that Isengard would be taken care of by someone with a `wooden heart’.