Sean Astin sighed. He and the other three hobbits had been on the road for 12 hours. Peter had wanted to film a scene near some mountain, and in a moment of insanity, Dom suggested that they all drive together. “Part of the bonding expirience,” he said. Of course Peter was a sucker for bonding expiriences, so off they went. This had been one long day.
“I’m hungry,” Elijah piped up.
“I’m hungry, too,” a vioce with a familiar Scottish accent added.
“Three of us.”
“Four. Bill, look for that sandwich we had left over from lunch. Maybe we could fourth it.” As he rumaged around the picnic basket, Dom said, “Don’t bother. It’s gone.”
“Dominic Monaghan, did you eat that sandwich?” Billy asked.
“During the time I had to drive, and you three were taking a nap. Your wife is a good cook, Sean.”
They drove on. Elijah’s eyes grew wide as he saw a sign brought the deightful thought of food to his heart. “Thrity miles to Aunt Mary’s fried apple pies.” It probably wouldn’t have sounded so heavenly if they weren’t so hungry. But they were so as they drove along they began to count down the miles till they got to Aunt Mary’s fried apple pies.
“Two miles,” Sean declared.
“One and a half,” said Bill.
“One-fourth!” Elijah squealed.
“You have just passed Aunt Mary’s…PASSED!!! Stop the car, Sean.” Dom got out and headed to a little shack to read a sign. He returned a few minutes later. “Closed. Three months ago. I guess Aunt Mary was paying too much for the signs.”
“A shame too,” Sean added. “I was starting to think of Aunt Mary as family.” They drove on.
Sean pulled in front of a shack. “Okay, this is it.”
“We are going to eat here?” Dom asked.
“Either that or you can drive.” Dom gave Billy a little shove to get out of the car. They trudged inside and sat down at the only table.
“Well, for a dinky joint, they sure have a mouth-watering menu,” Sean said. The other three scooted their chairs closer to see.
“Hi!” A man come out from nowhere. He had a five o’clock shadow, wore a newsboys cap, and had on only his undershirt and a pair of jeans. “What would you folks like tonight?”
After recovering from the shock, Dom picked up the menu and said, “I would like the roast beef.”
“I would like the roast beef, too,” said Billy. The waiter looked long and hard at Billy. “Irish?” he asked. Billy’s eyes narrowed so much that they were almost closed, and spoke with such a low voice, it was almost a growl. “Scottish.” he said in a tone that would have told anyone else, “If you get my nationality mixed up one more time, you will taste the wrath of my people.” But either the waiter ignored this, or he just didn’t get it.
“And for you?” He asked Elijah.
“Make it four.”
“We’re all out of roast beef.” They let out a sigh of disapointment, leaned in close and investigated the menu some more. They nodded and leaned back in their chairs. “We’ll have the pork chops,” Sean said.
“We’re all out of pork chops.”
“Well, what in Heaven’s name do you have?” Elijah asked.
“Cheese sandwiches.” They leaned in close again. “You don’t know a good restraunt around here, do you?” asked Dom.
“Yep. There’s The Golden Drumstick. Full turkey dinner, all the trimmings: cranberry salad, rosemary potatoes, fresh cut aspherigus…” Elijah grabbed Sean’s arm. “I’m weakening, I’m weakening.”
“and for desert, peach cobbler.” The hobbits had already stood up and where heading toward the door. “All of that just one dollar.”
“One dollar!” Sean exclaimed. “I wonder how they do it?”
“They can’t,” the waitor said. Realizing the trick, they trudged back to the table. “Okay, 4 cheese sandwiches.”
Dom whispered, “Look on the bright side. It will fill a hollow spot. And what can you do to a cheese sandwich?” He spoke too soon. The waitor carelessly tossed the still wrapped packages onto the table. “I hope you didn’t go to too much trouble,” Billy said.
“No I just buy them when the salesman comes around.”
“You mean you’re the owner?!”
“Well what did you think I was?” Bill didn’t answer and the owner went back to work.
Elijah was so hungry he took a big bite and bit down hard. But his teeth wouldn’t penetrate the cheese. He pulled the sandwich out of his mouth but was still bearing down on the cheese. It hung out of his mouth like a tongue. He took it out and stretched it like rubber. “That salesman hasn’t been around for a while, has he?”
“Check please,” Sean called. The owner soon brought it out and handed it to Billy. The two didn’t get along from the start. “$12.75!!!!!”
“Yeah, $3 each for the sandwiches and 75 cents for enteraintment tax.” He was gone in a minute.
“Enterainment tax. I wonder what that is.” Sean said. His questions were soon answered. The sound of a bagpipe warming up, filled their ears. Then in came the owner struggling on Scotland the Brave. Billy claaped his hands over his ears and acted as if a Nazgul was screaming or something. “We’ll pay! We’ll pay!” He forked out the money. And they left.
“Who will drive?”
“I’ll drive,” Elijah piped up.
The funniest is yet to come