Mr. and Mrs. Black Rider PART 2

by May 17, 2004Other News


By now the 9 riders had nearly approached Hobbiton, however they were unsure of their direction and decided to ask for directions quickly. There was a simple hobbit on the side of the road, so #3 pranced on over to him. (As #3 made his way over to the hobbit, the other 8 glanced at each other uncertainly…#3 was, well, a little off in the head it seemed. This should be interesting.) Once he came up to the hobbit he started talking, “Um, me and my, uh, buddies are tryin to get tooooooo Hobutain, no, uh, Hobbiton, and well, we’re all legally blind….” he stopped. There was an awkward silence and the hobbit was dumbfounded (this means he didn’t know what to think for those of you who don’t like big words, but prefer long sentences that explain them). He stared blankly until Mr. Black Rider came up behind #3 and choughed loudly. #3 picked right back up where he left off, “and we need to find a hobbit named Baiggains who lives in the Shire and-” Mr. Black Rider cut him off, and quietly said, “Um, pal, we need to have that chat again…” and they both walked off to the side of the hobbit hole. Mr. Black Rider glanced at #8 who quickly galloped up to the hobbit and started muttering all the hissy, scary “Ssshhhhire, Bagginsssss…” stuff while Mr. Black Rider and #3 had that “talk”.


“Now #3. I know you want to help out and all, but we really need to keep our appreance, and not to mention our reputation, scary and creepy, and nasty and all that good stuff.” Mr. Black Rider didn’t want to hurt #3’s feelings, but #3 just couldn’t do the talking anymore, “So, well, ya see, we need to let the other guys talk and sound insanely scary ok?” #3 started blankley for a minute, (literally a minute). Mr. Black Rider didn’t want him to drool (again…..yes, that’s right. I said again. It really wasn’t something #3 could control…), so he coughed once again quite loudly.
#3 smiled, “Ok. I will talk from now on.”
Mr. Black Rider shook his head, “No no, that’s not necessary. You can lay back and relax, the others’ll talk for you.” He had been through this before.
“Really? Oh that’s great! Talking makes me tired.”
“Alright.” Mr. Black Rider would just leave it at that, he knew he would be giving this talk to #3 nearly every week before they got back home. He hollered over at #8, “You done yet?”
#8 yelled back, “Just about!” He then turned to the hobbit and growled kind of fierce like and roared, “AAAHHHH!”
“Alright, alright man, that’s enough.” They all screamed their devilish scream and rode off into the night…the opposite direction of the way the hobbit had said.
#7 piped up, “Um, waaaaait…” They all stopped abruptley (the screaming and the riding) and turned themselves around. Then they began screaming and riding again, off to….* dun dun dun (scary music)* Hobbiton! Where poor little Frodo was with his evil ring of insurpassable power…


A really scary bird randomly flew up to the ringwraiths and dropped notes…pink notes, that smelled like Gondorian perfume. The Kings sighed annoyedly and picked up their notes. Mr. Black Rider opened his carefully in case anything odd might fall out of it. (Mrs. Black Rider had a habit of sticking stuff in her letters, like candy, or stickers…usually sparkly confettii…she was an odd one). This time, certainly enough, confettii fell out all over the ground. “No wonder that letter was so fat” Mr. Black Rider thought, “it’s like it was pregnant with confettii…” He began to read and the letter was as follows, more or less:

Dear My dear love, Mr. Black Rider,
Oh, where to begin. I MISS YOU HONEY! and I of course LOVE YOU DARLING! I made cookies today and was going to put one in your letter but realized that as the bird flies, it would not taste good by then. Isn’t this wonderful, we ladies writing letters to the wraiths we love? I know you can’t write back, you don’t have the time or the writing utensils. Alas. Maybe next time i’ll send an extra piece of paper and a pencil! Oh! I am a genius dear.
Last Saturday the ladies and I couldn’t resist pillaging in Gondor again and we found this pretty pink paper and this lovely smelling perfume. I hope it reminds you of me dear because I’m wearing it all the time now!
Well, I have to go cook dinner for the orcs. The poor starving things, they need some good food.
I love you dear! Be careful and brush your teeth!

Your Dear Wife,
Mrs. Black Rider

After Mr. Black Rider read this, he naturally was happy and felt loved, as well as somewhat taken aback at how strange the love of his life was. He looked at his friends and saw they too looked the same as he was feeling. His only concern was that his wife would actually send that paper and pencil she had mentioned…


The Mrs. Black Rider’s all loved to cook, they didn’t care who they were cooking for as long as they were cooking, so naturally, they cooked for the orcs at this time in the story. Now, if the food hadn’t been good we would say “poor orcs”, but it was grand food and despite the fact that the ladies sang as they worked (a song will ensue soon), the lady wraiths were bareable since the orcs could always use the popular excuse “got nasty things to do”, in order to escape them. As they all cooked they soon broke into a song they had all written together in the 2nd Age, although it had nothing to do with the 2nd Age, but it had been written by them then. It went as follows:

“Cook and clean, cook and clean
Orcses can be very mean
But we’ll cook and clean, cook and clean
And make sure they’re well fed.

“OH! Feed the orcs and the wargs as well,
They Uruk-Hai in they’re grotesque shells,
The horses and the flying beats,
For all these we’ll make a feast.

“Sauron, Sauron! We won’t forget you!
A special treat, is yours for free
Some slimy eye goo!

“And of couse our husbands too
Let us not forget them, they looooooooove us!” (this line and note was always held and sung out very loud and long for the women were very passionate about this very line i suppose.) The song ended in this way, the ladies simply repeating that last phrase for as long as they felt like. Thankfully a few of the dark clad nazgul girls could hold a note (in their screamy nazgul way), and it didn’t sound so bad…if you didn’t listen to closely….


*SSSQQQQUUUUUEEEEEEEEEAAAALLLLLL* That is just what the Riders were doing when they barged into a dark empty hobbit hole in Hobbiton. “What in the world?” Mr. Black Rider sighed. “He is supposed to be here…”
“I oughta go back and wring that darn hobbits neck…wrong house and all…” #5 was heated.
“Ever thought that perhaps Baggins left before we got here? That maybe he was warned of impending doom?” Mr. Black Rider was the brains behind the operation. “I suppose we search the place, search the woods and the road. This hobbit can’t be too far off, it still smells of fresh hobbit…*sniffsniff* and that ring…it’s close…” Here they all started hyperventilating and began to scream with delight as they began the chase after Baggins…


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