Movie Quotes That Thank God They Didn’t Use – All 800 of them – Part 1

by Jul 7, 2003Other News

Frodo: Ring, stop. Stop, will you? Stop, Ring. Will you stop, Ring? Stop, Ring. I’m afraid. I’m afraid, Ring. Ring, my mind is going. I can feel it. I can feel it. My mind is going. There is no question about it.
2001: A Space Odyssey

Frodo: Surely you can’t be serious.
Gandalf: I am serious. And don’t call me `Shirley’.

Eowyn/Arwen to Witch King: Get away from him, you b****!

Aragorn: I thought you were dead!
Gandalf: Yeah, I get that a lot.
Alien Resurrection

Arwen to Frodo: Fasten your seatbelt, we’re in for a bumpy night.
All About Eve

Frodo: I looked at Sauron’s dossier. I couldn’t believe they wanted him dead…one alliance nearly defeated, mass corruption…
Apocolypse Now

Sauron to Mouth of Sauron: I love the smell of sulphur in the morning. You smell that? Smells like victory!
Apocalypse Now

Witch-king: Mordor, we have a problem.
Apollo 13

Merry: I don’t want to be the materialistic weasel here, but do you think we’ll get hazard pay for this?
<a HREF=”″]Armageddon[/l]

Frodo: Oh man. Well, we all gotta die, right? I’m the guy who gets to do it saving the world.

Frodo: I’m, like, 98% excited, and maybe 2% scared. Or maybe it’s backwards. Maybe I’m 98% scared, and, like, 2% excited. But that’s what makes it so great—I’m so confused!

Frodo: Come on! You’re the Council Of Elrond for Christ’s sake! You’re the ones who come up with this ****! Why I bet you have a bunch of guys sitting around somewhere right now just thinking **** up, and somebody backing them up. What’s your contingency plan? Your back up plan. You’ve gotta have a back up plan.
Elrond: No, we don’t have a back up plan.

Sauron to Saruman: You’re not quite evil enough. You’re semi-evil. You’re quasi-evil. You’re the margarine of evil. You’re the Diet Coke of evil, just one calorie, not evil enough.
Austin Powers

Witch-king: Give up the Ring!
Frodo: I’ll sell it for…(camera close up) ONE MILLION DOLLARS!
Austin Powers

Frodo: How did this ring get in here? Somebody’s pulling a prank on me! Honestly, it’s not mine!
Austin Powers

Pippin: I want my baby back baby back baby back baby back ribs.
Austin Powers

Aragorn (after decapitating Lurtz): Not the time to lose one’s head.
Legolas: No.
Aragorn: That’s not the way to get ahead in life.
Legolas: No.
Aragorn: It’s a shame he wasn’t more headstrong.
Legolas: Hmm.
Aragorn: He’ll never be the head of a major corporation.
Legolas: Okay, that’ll do.
Aragorn: Okay.
Austin Powers

Sauron: Talk to the hand ‘cos the eye don’t wanna see it
Austin Powers

Aragorn, seeing Arwen in Rivendell: Yeah, baby!
Austin Powers

Frodo to Sam (at end of FOTR): Roads? Where we’re going we don’t need…roads.
Back To The Future

Ringwraith to Frodo: Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?

Frodo: Magic ring, Gandalf?
Gandalf: Yeah.
Frodo: Thought so. Good. Whaddaya do with it, wear it?
Gandalf: Yeah.
Frodo: Good. Thought so.
Big Trouble In Little China

Merry (on Amon Sul): Pippin, you and I have witnessed many things, but nothing as bodacious as what just happened. Besides, we told ourselves to listen to this guy…
Bill And Ted’s Excellent Adventure

Gandalf in Moria: I just want to apologize to Sam’s mom, and Pippin’s mom, and Merry’s mom. I am so sorry! Because it was my fault. I was the one who brought them here. I was the one that said `keep going South.’ I was the one who said that we were not lost. It was my fault, because it was my project. I am so scared! I know what’s out there. We are going to die out here! I am so scared!
The Blair Witch Project

Gandalf (falling): You will be risking your lives, whilst I will be risking an almost-certain Academy Award nomination for the Best Supporting Actor.
Blazing Saddles

Witch King to other nazgûl: We’ll ride into town a-wompin’ and a-stompin’ ever livin’ thing in sight.
Blazing Saddles

Balrog: Excuse me, while I whip this out!
Blazing Saddles

Frodo to Sam: It’s 206 miles to Mount Doom, we’ve got a full bag of lembas, half a length of rope, it’s dark, and we’re wearing elvencloakes.
The Blues Brothers

Saruman to Uruk-Hai: The use of unnecessary violence in the apprehension of the hobbit has been approved.
The Blues Brothers

Sam pep-talk to Frodo: They’re not gonna catch us. We’re on a mission from God!
The Blues Brothers

Isildur (after Sauron explodes): GodD*** what a rush!!
Broken Arrow

Sauron (at end): Infamy,infamy! They’ve all got it in fa me!
Carry On Cleopatra

Legolas: Gimli, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Snaga: What in heaven’s name brought you to Mordor?
Frodo: My health. I came to Mordor for the waters.
Snaga: The waters? What waters? We’re in the desert.
Frodo: I was misinformed.

Aragorn to Arwen: I got a job to do too. Where I’m going you can’t follow. What I’ve got to do, you can’t be any part of. Arwen, I’m no good at being noble but it doesn’t take much to see that the problems of four little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you’ll understand that. Now, now…here’s looking at you, elf.

Frodo: Play it once, Sam. For old times’ sake.

Sauron to Frodo: Here’s looking at you, kid

Boromir (in Moria re cave troll): Of all the places in all the mountains in all the world, it walks into a mine.

Sauron (to Gollum): Listen to me Gollum. I got your head in a ******* vice. I’ll squash your head like a ******* grapefruit if you don’t give me a name.

Boromir to Council: I think you’re all ****** in the head. We’ve got the ******* one ring and you want to bail out.

Gandalf: You have great hands. I could use someone like you on my staff.
Frodo: My hands aren’t going anywhere near your staff.
Charlie’s Angels

Eomer to Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli: When you three first got here, you were as worthless as hen **** on a pump handle.
City Slickers

Frodo: Is it just me, or does every woman in Lothlorien have some kind of an emotional problem?
Coming To America

Saruman on Lurtz: He’s a fountain of misplaced rage. Name your cliche; Mother held him too much or not enough, last picked at kickball, late night sneaky uncle, whatever. Now he’s so angry that moments of levity actually cause him pain; give him headaches. Happiness, for that gentleman, hurts.
Con Air

Boromir on seeing Balrog: On any other day, that might seem strange.
Con Air

Frodo to Boromir: There’s only two people I trust. One is me. The other is not you.
Con Air

Gimli on seeing Galadriel: No…No words… No…words… to describe! Poetry!! They should have sent… a poet! Beautiful! So beautiful… I had no…idea…

Aragorn to Boromir: You call that a sword? That’s not a sword. THIS is a sword.
Crocodile Dundee

Saruman pep-talk to Uruk-Hai: Go on, lean in. Listen, you hear it? –Carpe –hear it? –Carpe, carpe halfling, seize the hobbit, boys, make your lives extraordinary.
Dead Poets Society

Merry: Look on the bright side. We’ll all get high schools named after us.
Deep Impact

Merry: Hey Frodo, now that you’re famous you’ll be getting more sex.
Frodo: Really?
Deep Impact

Merry: And another thing, your beer tastes like piss.
Butterbur: We know. We piss in it.

Frodo on Amon Sul: Why are you eating at a time like this?
Pippin: We’re nervous.
Frodo: Then take a valium like a normal hobbit!
Desperately Seeking Susan

Prologue: Who’s got his eye on the planet, as the air thickens, the water sours, and even the bees’ honey takes on the metallic taste of radioactivity?
The Devil’s Advocate

Lurtz: What are you?
Saruman: Oh, I have so many names…
Lurtz: Saruman.
Saruman: Call me Dad.
The Devil’s Advocate

Aragorn to Gandalf the White: We do function in your absence, Commander.
Dr. No

Boromir on seeing Gandalf fall: Oh my God, the quarterback is toast!
Die Hard

Gwaihir: Wanna know the secret to surviving air travel? After you get where you’re going, take off your shoes and your socks, and you walk around on the rug barefoot and make fists with your toes.
Gandalf: Fists with your toes?
Gwaihir: I know, I know, it sounds crazy. Trust me. I’ve been doing it for years.
Die Hard

Aragorn (to Lurtz): Yippie kay-yay, mother******.
Die Hard

Gandalf (to Aragorn re Mouth Of Sauron): Hey, babe, I negotiate million-dollar deals for breakfast. I think I can handle this Mordortrash. Hey! Sprechen sie talk?
Die Hard

Gandalf: After all your posturing, all your speeches, you’re nothing but a common thief.
Bilbo: I am an exceptional thief.
Die Hard

Frodo to Aragorn on Amon Sul: That punk pulled a Ugluk 7 on me! You know what that is? It’s a Morgul Blade made in Mordor. It doesn’t show up on you airport X-ray machines, and it cost more than you make here in a month.
Die Harder

Frodo in Mordor: Look I fail you cover my ass. You fail I cover you’re ass!
Sam: And if we both fail?
Frodo: Then were both ******!
Die Hard With A Vengeance

Legolas: I’ll tell you what your problem is, you don’t like me because you’re a racist!
Gimli: What?!
Legolas: You’re a racist! You don’t like me because I’m an elf!
Gimli: I don’t like you because you’re going to get me *killed*!
Die Hard With A Vengeance

Aragorn (to Lurtz): Go ahead, make my day.
Dirty Harry

Isildur to Sauron: But seeing as this is Narsil, the most powerful sword in Middle Earth, and will take your fingers clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: do I feel lucky? Well do ya, punk?
Dirty Harry

Legolas: I know what you’re thinking. Did I shoot six arrows or only five…
Dirty Harry

Gandalf: I speak over two thousand languages, including Dodo and Unicorn.
Dr. Doolittle

Arwen: What are the chances of a guy like you and a girl like me…ending up together?
Aragorn: Not good.
Arwen: Not good like one in a hundred?
Aragorn: I’d say more like one in a million.
Arwen: So you’re telling me there’s a chance?
Dumb And Dumber

Gandalf to Aragorn: Without change something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken.

Aragorn: We will kill until no orc breathes Middle Earth air.

Frodo and Faramir: What do you call the mouse sign on the second moon?
Faramir: We call that one, Muad’Dor.
Frodo: Er, could I be known as Frodo Baggins?
Faramir: You are Frodo Baggins.

Faramir at Forbidden Pool: Maybe it was an iguana.
Mablung: It was NO iguana.
Faramir: You know how they say there are alligators in the sewers?
Mablung: Alligators in the sewers.
Faramir: All we’re trying to say is, maybe you just probably imagined it.
Mablung: I couldn’t have imagined it!
Faramir: Maybe it was a pervert or a deformed kid or something.
Mablung: A deformed kid.
Faramir: Maybe an elf or a leprechaun?
Mablung: It was nothing like that, penis-breath!
Faramir: If you ever see it again, whatever it is, don’t catch it, just call me and we’ll call somebody and have them take it away.
Mablung: Like the dogcatcher?
Faramir: But they’ll give it a lobotomy or do experiments on it or something.
Mablung: Maybe he’s some animal that wasn’t supposed to live. Could be a monkey or an orangutan.
Faramir: A bald monkey?
Mablung: Is he a pig? He sure eats like one.

Pippin in TTT: As if things weren’t bad enough, now I’ve been abducted by aliens.
Earth Girls Are Easy

Boromir: Am I a good man? Or a bad man?
The Elephant Man

Frodo: Let me guess. We’re about to go over a huge bridge.
Aragorn: Yep.
Frodo: Large sharp jagged rocks at the bottom?
Aragorn: Most probably.
Frodo: Bring it on.
The Emperor’s New Groove

Saruman to Lurtz: No Lurtz, I am your father.
The Empire Strikes Back

Arwen: I love you.
Aragorn: I know.
The Empire Strikes Back

Gandalf: The Enemy has only rings and illusions behind which he hides his true motives. Destroy the Ring and you will break the enemy.
Enter The Dragon

Frodo: It’s impossible. But doable.

Gollum: You stole my ring?
Bilbo: I’m a thief. So sue me.

Frodo to Sam: We’ll either both get caught or both get dead.

Gandalf: I’m never late. If I’m late it’s because I’m dead.

Aragorn to Lurtz: You know what they say about fear. You have to cut the head off to lose it.

Legolas: You think I could hit that orc from here?
Gimli: Give it a rest, Leggy. You couldn’t hit the ******* floor if you fell on it.

Elrond to Aragorn: You wanna impress me, slick? Do your ******* job!

Frodo: Witch-King, I don’t believe you stabbed me with this cheap piece of mail-order ****!

Gandalf (entering Moria): Gentlemen, keep your eyes open and you’re ***s puckered.

Aragorn on defeating Lurtz: No one ***** with the Fellowship!

Gimli: Those dirty orcs!
Legolas: They’re not orcs any more. They’re a federation of independent liberated states.
Gimli: Don’t make me hurt you, Leggy.

Frodo: For the first time in my life, I got people respecting me. Please, don’t ask me to give it up.
Erin Brockovich

Boromir: I got just one question. Which one of you s gets to die trying to stick me? (spots Lurtz) Oh jeezus.
Escape From LA

Boromir: Remember, once you’re inside you’re on your own.
Frodo: Oh, you mean I can’t count on you?
Boromir: No.
Frodo: Good!
Escape From New York

Gandalf in Moria: The first passage will allow the demon to manifest itself in the flesh.
Pippin: Why the hell would we want to do that?
Evil Dead 2

Aragorn: The sword! You promised me the sword!
Gandalf: And you shall have it; but to heal, not to hack. Tomorrow, a truce; we meet at the river.
Aragorn: Talk! Talk is for lovers, Gandalf. I need the sword to be king!
<a HREF=”″ TARGET=”new”]Excalibur[/l]

Merry/Pippin to PJ: You let that guy turn us into clowns tonight. We were always small time, but we were never clowns.
The Fabulous Baker Boys

Gimli to Legolas: Listen, you’re not going soft on me, are you? I mean, you’re not going to start dreaming about me and waking up all sweaty and looking at me like I’m some sort of princess when I burp?
The Fabulous Baker Boys

Aragorn to Arwen: If I were to send you flowers, where would I…Wait, Let me rephrase…If I were to let you SUCK my tongue, would you be grateful?

Gandalf to Aragorn: Isn’t this religious, ah yes. The eternal struggle between good and evil, saint and sinners… but you are still not having fun!

Lurtz to Boromir: I want to take his face… off. Eyes, nose, skin, teeth. It’s coming off!

Galadriel to Frodo: It’s like looking in a mirror. Only… not.

Legolas: No! No! No! Hold the bow like this! Not like this! This isn’t your **** you’re holding! It’s a bow! Hold it with respect, like…
Haldir: …Your ****?

Gimli: I don’t want more ******* pancakes, man. I want to go somewhere I can get a shot and a beer, and a steak, maybe. Hey, I know this place inside Moria where we can get laid.

Butterbur: So, I’m tendin’ bar there at Prancin’ Pony last Tuesday and this little guy’s drinkin’ and he says, `So where can a hobbit find some action? I’m goin’ crazy down there at the lake.’ And I says, `What kinda action?’ and he says, `Woman action, what do I look like?’ And I says, `Well, what do *I* look like, I don’t arrange that kinda thing,’ and he says, `I’m goin’ crazy out there at the lake,’ and I says, `Well, this ain’t that kinda place.’ Well, the little guy was kinda funny-lookin’.
Bill Ferny: In what way?
Butterbur: I dunno, just funny-lookin’.
Bill Ferny: Can ya be any more specific?
Butterbur: I couldn’t really say. He wasn’t circumcised.
Bill Ferny: Was he funny-lookin’ apart from that?
Butterbur: Oh, he was just funny-lookin’. Hairier feet than most people, even.

Sauron to Frodo: Well, what am I supposed to do? You won’t answer my calls, you change your number. I mean, I’m not gonna be *ignored*, Frodo!
Fatal Attraction

Saruman re Lurtz: There he goes. One of God’s own prototypes. Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

Aragorn: Let’s hunt some orc!
The Fellowship Of The Ring

Frodo to Gandalf: He’ll keep calling me, he’ll keep calling me until I come over. He’ll make me feel guily. This is uh… This is ridiculous, ok I’ll go, I’ll go, I’ll go, I’ll go, I’ll go. What-I’LL GO.
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Bilbo to Frodo: Elrond’s house is like a museum. It’s very cold, and very beautiful, and you’re not allowed to touch anything.
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Boromir: What are we going to do?
Frodo: The question isn’t `what are we going to do,’ the question is `what aren’t we going to do?’
Boromir: Please don’t say were not going to take the Ring to Gondor. Please don’t say were not going to take the Ring to Gondor. Please don’t say were not going to take the Ring to Gondor.
Frodo: If you had access to a Ring like this, would you take it back right away? Neither would I.
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Strider: You guys got nothing to worry about, I’m a professional.
Sam: A professional what?
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Frodo: And don’t wear that perfume in the Council, it wrecks my concentration.
Gandalf: Really!
Frodo: I was talking to Sam.
A Few Good Men

Gandalf: Maybe if we work at it we can get Saruman charged with Kennedy assassination.
A Few Good Men

Gimli at Helm’s Deep: Aragorn, Leggy is considered to be the best fighter in our office. He successfully killed 44 orcs in 9 hours.
Legolas: One more and I get a set of steak knives.
A Few Good Men

Frodo to Gandalf in Moria: Oh, spare me the psycho babble father bull****!
A Few Good Men

Gandalf: I don’t like flying because I’m afraid of crashing into a large mountain. I don’t think Dramamine is going to help.
Gwaihir: Try some athelas. I hear that works pretty good.
A Few Good Men

Pippin: I’ve got some camouflage elven jackets, sirs, I suggest you put them on.
Gandalf the White: Camouflage elven jackets?
Yes sir, we’ll be riding pretty close to the fenceline. The orcs see an officer wearing white, they think it might be someone they’d wanna take a shot at.
A Few Good Men

Frodo to Boromir: You want the Ring… YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE RING
A Few Good Men

Sam: I’m going to beat your head in with a frying pan until you go away!
Gollum: You can’t do that!
Sam: Oh no, there are no rules here.
Gollum: But… but you’re a pacifist!
Sam: ****.
Field Of Dreams

Frodo: Is this heaven?
Gandalf: No, it’s Rivendell.
Field Of Dreams

Gandalf: The one constant through all the years, Frodo, has been Sauron. Middle Earth has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It’s been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But Sauron has marked the time. This power, this ring, is a part of our past, Frodo. It reminds us of all that once was evil, and that could be again. Oh Nazgûl will come, Frodo. Nazgûl will most definitely come.
Field Of Dreams

Frodo: Admit it, Sam. You’ve never liked gardening.
Sam: That’s not true.
Frodo: It is true. You don’t know the first thing about gardening.
Sam: Yes I do. I know a lot about gardening. I know more than you think I know.
Frodo: Then how could you plow under your major crop?
Sam: What’s a crop?
Field Of Dreams

Aragorn after killing Lurtz: Anybody else wanna negotiate?
The Fifth Element

Frodo: What are you doing?
Aragorn: Trying to save your ass so you can save the world.
The Fifth Element

Merry: What’s your name?
Treebeard: Leeloo Minai Lekarariba-Laminai-Tchai Ekbat De Sebat.
Good. That… that whole thing’s your name, huh? Do you have, uh… a shorter name?
Merry: Treebeard.
The Fifth Element

Gandalf to Sauron: Where’s the Nazgûl to pat you on the back? Or the orc? Or the slaves, maybe? There, you see now, how all your so-called power counts for absolutely nothing now, how your entire empire can come crashing down because of one… little… ring.
The Fifth Element

Sauron to Nazgûl: What do you mean, `Frodo Baggins approaching’?!
Flash Gordon

Sam: Frodo, Frodo, I love you, but we only have fourteen hours to save Middle Earth!
Flash Gordon

Denethor: Your Majesty, we, the people of Gondor, have suffered since you blasted our kingdom. I can offer you nothing this year except my loyalty.
Sauron: Steward Denethor -we prize nothing more highly. And tell us -how great is this loyalty to your Dark Lord?
Denethor: Without measure.
Sauron: We are delighted to hear it. Fall on your sword.
Flash Gordon

Nazgûl to Frodo: Don’t worry Frodo, I’ll only stick it in halfway.
Flesh Gordon Meets the Cosmic Cheerleaders

Butterbur: Would you like to order something, sir? I will put it on the Underhills’ bill.
Merry Oh, yes. Very well. I’ll have a Bloody Mary, a steak sandwich and a… steak sandwich.
Fletch (yes, Underhill in the movie!)

Boromir: Aren’t you gonna read me my rights?
Lurtz: You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to have your face kicked in by me. You have the right to have your balls stomped on by him.
Boromir: I think I’ll waive my rights.

Strider to Frodo: Be afraid. Be very afraid.
The Fly

Frodo re mithril shirt: But it must be different absolutely nothing must show below, above or through.
Bilbo: Radiation-proof?
Frodo: No, just eye-proof.
Forbidden Planet

Sam: Stupid is as stupid does, as the Ol’ Gaffer used to say.
Forrest Gump

Boromir: Any idea who the girl in the black hat is?
Legolas: The name’s Arwen.
Boromir: Pretty.
Legolas: Elf.
Boromir: Interesting.
Legolas: Slut.
Boromir: Really?
Legolas: Used to work at Lothlorien. Lives in Rivendell now. Only gets out with very glamorous people. Quite out of your league.
Boromir: Well, that’s a relief. Thanks.
Four Weddings and a Funeral

Gandalf: It is dangerous! You know, there’s nothing more off-putting in a mine than a cave troll with an enormous erection, yech! .
Four Weddings and a Funeral

Sam: I always just hoped that, that I’d meet some nice friendly girl, like the look of her, hope the look of me didn’t make her physically sick, then pop the question and, um, settle down and be happy. It worked for my parents. Well, apart from the divorce and all that.
Four Weddings and a Funeral

Saruman on the birth of Lurtz: It’s ALIVE!!! ALIVE!!!!!!

Sam to Frodo (in Mordor): Want some bran? You might as well eat rope and yank it through.
Frankie and Johnny

Frodo: The Nazgûl… is he dead?
Arwen: Who?
Frodo: The Nazgûl. Witch-King.
Arwen: Witch-King?
Frodo: In the river, the one… the one who attacked me…
Arwen: Frodo, we didn’t find any Nazgûl
Frodo: But… then he’s still out there.
Friday the 13th

Faramir to Frodo and Sam: So, what’s the deal with you two, you a couple of fags?
From Dusk Till Dawn

Boromir: The Ranger’s taking a piss. Why don’t I just go there, cut his head off and get outta here.
Gandalf: Don’t do that! Look, you asked me to act natural, and I’m acting as natural in fact, under the circumstances, I think I ought get a ******* Academy Award for how natural I’m acting.
From Dusk Till Dawn (yes, I only changed blow to cut)

Boromir (exiting Moria): I gotta say I’m with Legolas on this. I been to some ****** up places in my time, but that place is ****** up.
From Dusk Till Dawn

Audience: Has anybody here read a real book about hobbits, or are we just remembering what a movie said? I mean a real book.
From Dusk Till Dawn

Gandalf to Pippin in Moria before the noise: Let me explain the house rules. Follow the rules, we’ll get along like a house on fire. Rule number one: No noise, no question. You make a noise… Mr. Staff makes a noise. You ask a question, Mr. Staff answers it.
From Dusk Till Dawn

Gandalf to Pippin in Moria after the noise: Low profile. Do you know what the words low profile mean?
From Dusk Till Dawn

Saruman to orc breeder: He seems fit enough. Have him report to me in Istanbul in 24 hours.
From Russia With Love

Nazgûl to Frodo: My job is to kill you and deliver the ring. How I do it is my business.
From Russia With Love

Elrond: All of my key employees are my sons. Blood is the best security in this business.
From Russia With Love

Sauron: Siamese Fighting Orcs. Fascinating creatures. Brave, but on the whole, stupid. Yes, they’re stupid… except for the occasional one such as we have here, who waits. Waits until the survivor is so exhausted that he cannot defend himself. And then, like NAZGÛL, he strikes.
Saruman: I find the parallel amusing.
Sauron: Our organization did not arrange for you to come over from the White Council just for amusement, Number Two.
From Russia With Love

Sauron to Nazgûl: We were just informed by the U.S. Marshal’s Office that Gandalf is alive and well and living in the city of Gondor. Now you all know in what high regard I hold the scumbag. So I am personally donating a bottle of twelve-year-old Scotch to whoever puts the collar on this wizard.
The Fugitive

Sauron (to The Nine): What I want out of each and every one of you is a hard target search of every pub, hobbit hole, bywater, delving, brockburrow, crickhollow, bywater, smial and mathom in the Shire.
The Fugitive

Aragorn: As long as there is injustice, whenever a Gondorian baby cries out, wherever a distress horn signal sounds among the stars, we’ll be there. This fine Fellowship, this fine crew. Never give up… and never surrender.
Galaxy Quest

Boromir: I’m not even supposed to be here. I’m just `Crewman Number Nine.’ I’m expendable! I’m the guy in the movie who dies to prove how serious the trilogy is! I’ve gotta get outta here!
Aragorn: You’re not gonna die on the planet, Borry.
Boromir: I’m not? Then what’s my last name?
Aragorn: It’s, uh, uh—I don’t know.
Boromir: Nobody knows! Do you know why? Because my character isn’t important enough for a last name, because I’m gonna die one movie in.
Aragorn: Borry, you have a last name.
Boromir: DO I?! DO I?!?! For all you know, I’m `Crewman Number Nine’!
Galaxy Quest

Legolas entering Moria: Could they be the miners?
Gimli: Sure, they’re like three years old.
Legolas: MINERS, not MINORS.
Gimli: You lost me.
Galaxy Quest

Aragorn: You’re just going to have to figure out what it wants. What is its motivation?
Gandalf: It’s a Balrog. It doesn’t have motivation.
Aragorn: See, that’s your problem, Big G. You were never serious about the craft.
Galaxy Quest

Gimli outside Moria: Sorry, I was -door was a little sticky. Did you see that? I’ll get one of my boys up here with a can of WD-40.
Galaxy Quest

Aragorn to Celeborn: It doesn’t take a great actor to recognize a bad one.
Galaxy Quest

Sauron: Where are you going with those fireworks?
Mouth Of Sauron: Well, WK’s steed got super-accelerated coming out of the black gate, and it, like, nailed the atmosphere at Mark 15, which, you know, is pretty unstable, obviously, so we’re gonna help Wormtongue guide it on the vox ultra-frequency carrier and use Elvish candles for visual confirmation.
Sauron: Uh, all right, dinner’s at seven.
Galaxy Quest

Sam and Frodo in Mordor: Frodo, the mist of this strange land is filling my head with such thoughts…
Frodo (pushing him away): It was cute when I didn’t know you.
Galaxy Quest

Frodo in Cirith Ungol: What is this thing? I mean, it serves no useful purpose for there to be a bunch of chompy, crushy things in the middle of a hallway. No, I mean we shouldn’t have to do this, it makes no logical sense, why is it here?
Sam: Cause it’s in the book!
Frodo: Well forget it, I’m not doing it, this chapter was badly written.
Sam: How about we put it in the third movie instead?
Galaxy Quest

Sam just after the ring is destroyed: I know a way out of Mt. Doom. Find a small boy, about this high, whose parents have been killed, and raise him as your own. But make sure he is orc, and raise him as one.
Frodo: Er, wouldn’t hitching a ride from an eagle be easer?

Gandalf to Sauron: An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind.

Gandalf: I think you’ll find there’s room for us all.
Sauron: Have you seen how quickly orcs breed?

Frodo to King Elessar: You want to know how I did it? This is how I did it, Stride: I never saved anything for the swim back.

Sauron at end: For someone who was never meant for this world, I must admit I am having a hard time leaving it. Although they say every atom in our bodies was once part of a star. Maybe I’m not leaving… maybe I’m going home.

Galadriel to Fellowship re Gandalf’s death: He’s stuck, that’s what it is. He’s in between worlds. You know it happens sometimes that the spirit gets yanked out so fast that the essence still feels it has work to do here. He’s got a’ attitude now.

Frodo: I think we better split up.
Aragorn: Good idea.
Frodo: Yeah… we can do more damage that way.

Frodo outside Cirith Ungol: Where do these stairs go?
Gollum: They go up.

Gandalf at the Council: If we’re wrong, we go to jail peacefully, quietly. We’ll enjoy it! But if I’m right, and we can stop this thing, El-Boy, you will have saved the lives of millions of registered voters.

Gandalf: Do you believe in orcs, the Dark Lord, Nazgûl, magic rings, cave trolls, wizards, mental telepathy, Balrogs, the Loch Ness monster and the theory of Atlantis?
Frodo: Ah, if there’s a steady paycheck in it, I’ll believe anything you say.

Frodo at the Cracks Of Doom: Sauron the Maia: good evening. As a duly designated representative of the City, County and State of Middle Earth, I order you to cease any and all supernatural activities and return forthwith to your place of origin or to the nearest convenient parallel dimension.

Gandalf to Theoden: I’m Mithrandir, Your Honor. I’ve only been with the company for a couple of weeks, but these things are real. Since I joined these people, I’ve seen **** that’ll turn you white!

Aragorn in Bree: I’m worried, Frodo. All my readings point to something big on the horizon.
Frodo: What do you mean, big?
Aragorn: Well, let’s say this mug of ale represents the normal amount of psychokinetic energy in the Bree area. Based on this evening’s reading, it would be a mug thirty-five feet long, weighing approximately six hundred pounds.
Frodo: It comes in pints?

Fellowship at the bridge: Well, there’s something you don’t see every day.

Gandalf: This city is about to face a disaster of Silmarillial proportions.
Denethor: What do you mean, `Silmarillial?’
Gandalf: We mean real wrath-of-Eru type stuff. Plagues, darkness-
Pippin: The dead rising from the grave!
Gandalf: Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes-
Pippin: Riots in the streets, elves and dwarfs living together, mass hysteria!

Frodo: I know what it’s like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can’t. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside.
Gollum: Just gimme dat ******* ring
Girl Interrupted

Aragorn: The heir who became a Ranger. The Ranger who became a Fellow. The Fellow who defied a Dark Lord. Striking story! But now, the people want to know how the story ends. Only a famous death will do. And what could be more glorious than to challenge the Dark Lord himself in the great arena?
Sauron: You would fight me?
Aragorn: Why not? Do you think I am afraid?
Sauron: I think you’ve been afraid all your life.

Lurtz to orcs: At my signal, unleash hell.

Sauron to Saruman: Those orcs you sold me,they won’t mate. They just walk around, eating, and not mating. You sold me… queer orcs. I want my money back.

Gandalf to Frodo in Moria: In the end, we’re all dead men. Sadly, we cannot choose how, or when. But what we can choose is how we decide to meet that end, so we are remembered forever as men. Er…hobbits. Whatever.

Elrond: I want someone good, I mean very good, to plant that ring. I don’t want my brother coming out of the volcano with just his **** in his hands.
The Godfather

Sauron: I’ll make him an offer he can’t refuse.
The Godfather

Pippin: What do we do now?
Boromir: Running would be good.

Gandalf: His name’s Balrog. Tough mother. Big guy with a whip.
Saruman: Valentin Dmitrovitch Balrog?
Gandalf: Yeah, you know him?
Saruman: I gave him the whip.

Lurtz to Boromir: Why can’t you just be a good boy and die?

Arwen: You like a close shave, don’t you?
Aragorn: Does it look like I know how to use a razor?

Isildur: If you’ll excuse me, Mr. Elrond, I have to tend to separating my gold from the late Mr. Sauron.

Frodo: Special eagle, lunch at Minis Tirith… how come?
Gwaihir: The King wants to thank you personally.
Frodo: Oh, it was nothing, really.
Gwaihir: I know that, but he doesn’t.

Gollum: As God is my witness, as God is my witness, they’re not going to lick me! I’m going to live through this, and when it’s all over, I’ll never be hungry again no, nor any of my folks! If I have to lie, steal, cheat, or kill! As God is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again.
Gone With The Wind

Isildur, at Mt. Doom: Frankly, El Boy, I don’t give a ***
Gone With The Wind

Saruman to orc breeder: Lurtz `sucks the sweat off of a dead mans balls.’ I have no idea what that means, but it seems very negative to me.
Good Morning Vietnam

Gandalf to Frodo: The Brandywine River broke through a protective dike today. What is a protective dike? Is it a large elf that says `If you want him, come and claim him! Don’t go down by the river!’ …No, we can’t say `dyke’ for this movie rating, we can’t even say `lesbian’ anymore, it’s `women in comfortable shoes.’
Good Morning Vietnam

Frodo: I read your book last night.
Bilbo: So you’re the one.
Good Will Hunting

Gandalf to Frodo: You’re legally allowed to drink now so we figured the best thing for you was a magic ring.
Good Will Hunting

Strider to Merry/Pippin: How’d you like them apples?
Good Will Hunting

Merry / Pippin to audience: What do you mean, I’m funny?…You mean the way I talk? What?…Funny how? I mean, what’s funny about it?…But I’m funny how? I mean, funny like I’m a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh? I’m here to ******* amuse you? What do you mean, funny? Funny how? How’m I funny??…How the **** am I funny? What the **** is so funny about me? Tell me? Tell me what’s funny!…

Merry: Hey Lurtz, Lurtz, hurry up will you? Pippin’s gonna make some fried peppers and sausage for us. Oh hey, Lurtz, Lurtz. Here’s an arm.
Lurtz: Very funny, hobbits.
Merry: Hey, here’s a leg. Here’s a wing. (laughs) Hey, what do you like, the leg or the wing, Lurtz? Or do you still go for the old hearts and lungs?

Frodo in Mordor: You call this water?
Sam: It’s wet, ain’t it? Drink it!
The Goonies

Lurtz to Boromir: Promise me I can have your face when the breath has left your body.
Gorky Park

Gandalf: What’s the matter? The guests are all downstairs, Bilbo, waiting to see you.
Bilbo: Big G, can you explain to them that I have to be alone for awhile?
Gandalf: These are all our good friends, Bilbo. Most of them have known you since, well, practically since you were born. What is it, Bilbo?
Bilbo: I’m just…
Gandalf: Worried?
Bilbo: Well…
Gandalf: About what?
Bilbo: I guess about my future.
Gandalf: What about it?
Bilbo: I don’t know…I want it to be…
Gandalf: To be what?
Bilbo: Shorter.
The Graduate

Aragorn when Frodo is leaving: Where are you goin’? To flog your log?
Frodo: Much better then hanging around here with you dorks.

Frodo at breaking of Fellowship: I’m going to Mordor. I might never see you again.
Sam: Don’t talk that way, Frodo.
Frodo: But it’s true! I just had the best summer of my life and now I have to go. It isn’t fair. (Sam starts kissing him) Sam, don’t spoil it!
Sam: It’s not spoiling it, Frodo. It’s only making it better.
Frodo: Oh Sam, is this the end?
Sam: No Frodo. It’s only the beginning.

Sam in Mordor: Frodo, you speak the Black Tongue?
Frodo: A little, but only one sentence.
Sam: Well, let me have it, mate!
Frodo: Ya vei lublo.
Sam: Ya vei lublo. Ya vei lublo. What’s it mean?
Frodo: I love you.
Sam: I love you! What bloody good is that?
Frodo: I don’t know, I wasn’t going to use it, myself.
The Great Escape

Gandalf to Elrond: I guess sometimes the past just catches up with you, whether you want it to or not.
The Green Mile

Arwen: So, what have you been doing with your life?
Aragorn: Professional Killer.
Arwen: Oh…you get dental with that?
Grosse Point Blank

Gandalf on the mountain: There is no way this winter is EVER going to end as long as that wizard keeps seeing his Shadow. I don’t see any way out of it. He’s got to be stopped. And I have to stop him.
Groundhog Day

Frodo: Are you sure it will work?
Elrond: There’s no guarantee, but the theory’s perfectly feasible.
The Guns Of Navarone

Frodo to King Elessar: Well, as you can see, it was ruddy awful. But we’d love to go back, wouldn’t we boys? On one condition: we want to take along the ruddy wizard who thought up this job, and when we get there, we’re gonna shove him out at ten thousand feet…without a parachute.
The Guns Of Navarone

Frodo: What should I do?
Gandalf: Try to live.
Halloween H20

Boromir: To be or not to be, that is the question. Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous Uruk-Hai, or take arms off Lurtz, and by opposing, end them.

Sauron to Gandalf The White: Is this coincidence, or are you back on the case? If so, goody goody.

Aragorn to Gandalf in Moria: Jesus, Gandalf, what are you doing sitting in the dark? Thinkin’ about cannibalism.

Frodo to Galadriel: Would they give you a medal, do you think, Galadriel? Would you have it professionally framed and hang it on your wall to remind you of your courage and incorruptibility? All you would need for that is a mirror.

Boromir: Be careful. You’re an elf who makes people afraid, and that’s dangerous.
Galadriel: Why, it’s what people know about themselves inside that makes them afraid. High Plains Drifter

Frodo at Mount Doom: I have something to say: It’s better to burn in hell, than to fade away!

Aragorn after cutting off Lurtz’ head: There can be only one!

Gandalf to Aragorn re Anduril: Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. If you don’t take it out and use it, it’s going to rust.
Highlander 2

Gimli: We are so poor, we don’t even have a language! Just a stupid accent!
History Of The World Part 1

Sauron to Saruman: It’s amazing what you can do when you don’t have to look at yourself in the mirror.
Hollow Man

Aragorn to nazgûl at Amon Sul: You guys give up yet? Or are you thirsty for more?
Home Alone

Sam and Frodo to Galadriel: We need help.
Galadriel: I’ll say. You two should look at a mirror sometime. You look like **** run over twice.
I Know What You Did Last Summer

Gandalf the White to Aragorn: If you’re going to leave someone for dead, you’d better make *** sure that they’re dead!!
I Know What You Did Last Summer

Gandalf to Bilbo: If you ever want something badly, let it go. If it comes back to you, then it’s yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never yours to begin with.
Indecent Proposal

Frodo at Council: I saw… his thoughts. I saw what they’re planning to do. They’re like locusts. They travel from land to land, their whole civilization. After they’ve consumed every natural resource they move on. And we’re next. Nuke ’em. Nuke the bastards.
Independence Day

Theoden to Wormtongue: The only mistake I ever made was to appoint a sniveling little weasel like you Secretary of Defense. However, that is a mistake, I am happy to say, that I don’t have to live with. Mr. Grima…you’re fired.
Independence Day

Frodo to Ring in Mordor: You know, this was supposed to be my weekend off. But no-o-o-o-o…. you got me out here, draggin’ yo heavy ass, through the burning desert, with your chain hangin’ around my neck. You had to come down to the Shire with an attitude… actin’ all big and bad.
Independence Day

Pippin (on Shadowfax): I gotta get me one of these!!!!
Independence Day

Frodo to Strider: Listen. Since I’ve met you I’ve nearly been incinerated, drowned, shot at, and chopped into fish bait. We’re caught in the middle of something sinister here, my guess is Bilbo found out more than he was looking for.
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

Aragorn: Nazgûl. I hate these guys.
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

Frodo inside Cirith Ungol: Bilbo never really believed in the Ring. He thought he’d found a prize.
Sam: And what did you find, Frodo?
Frodo: Me? (looks at the phial of Galadriel) Illumination.
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

Strider: Please, what does it always mean, this… this `Peregrin’?
Merry: That’s his name. Peregrin Took.
Pippin: I like `Pippin’.
Merry: We named the *dog* Pippin.
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

Balrog to Gandalf: I can’t fly. I haven’t got my wings.
It’s a Wonderful Life

Treebeard to Ents at Isengard: You’re only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!!
The Italian Job

Gimli at Helm’s Deep: Legolas, I think we need a bigger moat.

Boromir to Aragorn: Everybody loves you. Pisses me off.
Jerry Maguire

Boromir to Frodo: Show me the ring.
Jerry Maguire

Aragorn: I love you. You… complete me.
Arwen: Shut up. Just shut up. You had me at `hello.’
Jerry Maguire

Frodo to Aragorn: You know, all my life, I’ve been careful to stay in my own Shire. Looking out for number one, no complications. Now suddenly, I’m responsible FOR THE ENTIRE ******* WORLD. And everybody and their mother is trying to kill me. If, if my head doesn’t blow up first.
Johnny Mnemonic

Sam at Mount Doom: This is it! This is the end of the line.
Frodo: You’re telling me.
The Karate Kid

Saruman to orc-breeder: This is Lurtz he is tough and ruthless. This is a normal orc he is rough and toothless.
The Kentucky Fried Chicken

Arwen pep-talk to Aragorn: Better to be king for a night than a schmuck for a lifetime.
The King Of Comedy

Gandalf to Balrog: Hey, ***! Yes, you. Look, if you’re gonna jump, jump. Otherwise, use the bridge like everyone else. You’re screwin’ up traffic.

Aragorn at Council: I’ll have a decaf coffee.
Gimli: I’ll have a decaf espresso.
Legolas: I’ll have a double decaf cappuccino.
Boromir: Give me decaffeinated coffee ice cream.
Frodo: I’ll have a half double decaffeinated half-caf, with a twist of lemon.
Gimli: I’ll have a twist of lemon.
Aragorn: I’ll have a twist of lemon.
Legolas: I’ll have a twist of lemon.
Gandalf: I’ll have a twist of lemon.
LA Story

Boromir to Aragorn: Oh, great. You get the girl, I get the coroner.
LA Confidential

Aragorn: Uh, Lord, hallowed be Thy name. May our feet be swift; may our swords be mighty; may our balls… be plentiful. Lord, I’d just like to thank You for that hobbit in South Farthing. You know who she is – she kept calling Your name. And God, these are good lads, and they work hard. Just help them see it all the way through. Okay, that’s it.
A League Of Their Own

Gandalf: You haven’t changed one bit.
Bilbo: Gandalf, I married a plastic surgeon.
A League Of Their Own

Aragorn to Frodo after Moria: Are you crying?! Are you crying?! There’s no crying on this quest!
A League Of Their Own

Aragorn: You killed my brother.
Lurtz: I’m sorry. And you want to join him?

Gandalf: I’m getting too old for this ****.
Lethal Weapon

Aragorn: Someday I will be king over all this.
Boromir: Forgive me for not jumping for joy. Bad back, you know.
Aragorn: What will you be when I am king?
Boromir: A monkey’s uncle.
The Lion King

Frodo: Invisible! I’ve never been invisible before!
Little Big Man

Arwen: I’ve never seen a human this close before. Oh he’s very handsome, isn’t he?
Legolas: I dunno, he looks kinda hairy and slobbery to me.
The Little Mermaid

Arwen: If I become human, I’ll never be with my father or sisters again.
Legolas: That’s *right*. But you’ll have your man. Life’s full of tough choices, innit?
The Little Mermaid

Boromir: Who are you?
Lurtz: I am you worst nightmare.
Boromir: No, waking up without my penis is my worst nightmare.
Loaded Weapon 1

Sauron: If you lie to me, I’ll kill ya. If you bent the truth, or I think you’re bending the truth, I’ll kill ya. In fact Gollum you’re going to have to work very hard to stay alive. You got that? Good. Cos if ya don’t I’ll kill ya!
Lock Stock And Two Smoking Barrels

Frodo: I’m leaving the Shire, Big G. I need a fake passport and I need money, lots of it.
Gandalf: Well why didn’t you say so? Hold on a minute while I pull that outta my ass.
The Long Kiss Goodnight

Lurtz to Saruman: They’re gonna cut my head off, you know. This is the last time I’ll ever be pretty.
The Long Kiss Goodnight

Aragorn to Boromir: I’m always frank and earnest with women. Uh, in Bree I’m Frank, and Minis Tirith I’m Ernest.
The Long Kiss Goodnight

Gandalf: Easy, sport. I got myself out of Beirut once, I think I can get out of a mine.
Aragorn: Yeah, well don’t be so sure. Others have tried and failed. The entire population, in fact.
The Long Kiss Goodnight

Boromir: The thing that’s always worried me about being one of the few is the way we keep on getting fewer.
The Longest Day

Gollum to Frodo: Now you know what we are, now you know what you are. You’ll never grow old, Master, and you’ll never die. But you must feed!
The Lost Boys

Aragorn post Boromir: Are you OK?
Legolas: I nailed one of them downstairs with a bow and arrow.
Gimli: All right, Leggy!
Aragorn: I trashed the one that looks like Twisted Sister.
The Lost Boys

Arwen to herself re Frodo: Ouch. Could he be cuter? I don’t *think* so.
Lost In Space

Theoden: Oooh! Ahhh! That’s how it always starts. Then later there’s running and screaming.
The Lost World: Jurassic Park

Gandalf: El Boy, if you want me to run your little camping trip, there are two conditions: first, I’m in charge, and when I’m not around, Aragorn is. All you have to do is sign the checks, tell us we’re doing a good job, and crack your case of scotch when we have a good day. Second condition: my fee? You can keep it. All I want in return for my services is the right to hunt one of the balrogs. A male, a buck only. How and when is my business. Now if you don’t like either of those conditions, you’re on your own. So go ahead, set up base camp here, or in a swamp, or in the middle of the Dead Marshes for all I care. But I’ve been on too many trips with rich dwarfs to listen to any more suicidal ideas, OK?
The Lost World: Jurassic Park

Gandalf: In my all my fifty years of military service, I have never learned how to bomb HALF a bridge!

Boromir: They say people don’t believe in heroes anymore. Well, damn them! You and me, Aragorn, we’re gonna give ’em back their heroes!
Mad Max

Sam pep-talk in Mordor: Ya have to come, Frodo. This is where we’re going. Paradise! Two thousand miles from here. Fresh water. Plenty of sunshine. Nothing to do but breed!
Mad Max 2

Sign At Amon Hen: Two men enter, one man leaves!
Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome

Aragorn eulogy to Boromir: Well, ain’t we a pair, Raggedy Man. So long, soldier.
Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome

Gandalf the White to Theoden re Saruman: Well, I say that this wizard has broken the law. And the law says: bust a deal and face the wheel!
Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome

Aragorn: Job for nine companions, watching over a ring, south of the border.
Boromir: How big’s the opposition?
Aragorn: Thirty-thousand orcs.
Boromir: I admire your notion of fair odds, mister.
The Magnificent Seven

Gimli after Nazgûl is shot out of the sky: Ah, that was the greatest shot I’ve ever seen.
Legolas: The worst! I was aiming at the Beast.
The Magnificent Seven

Merry: If you get killed, we take the sword and avenge you.
Pippin: And we see to it there’s always fresh flowers on your grave.
Boromir: That’s a mighty big comfort.
The Magnificent Seven

Boromir: What I don’t understand is why a man like you took the job in the first place, hum? Why, heh?
Aragorn: I wonder myself.
Boromir: No, come on, tell me why.
Aragorn: It’s like this wizard I knew in Bree. One day, he just took all his clothes off and jumped in a mess of cactus. I asked him that same question, `Why?’
Boromir: And?
Aragorn: He said, `It seemed like a good idea at the time.’
The Magnificent Seven

Celeborn: I’ve never heard of half of these guys and the ones I do know are way past their prime.
Galadriel: Most of these guys never had a prime.
Celeborn: This guy here is dead.
Galadriel: Cross him off then.
Major League

Gandalf about to fall: How would you like to manage the team this year?
Aragorn: Gee, I don’t know…
Gandalf: What do you mean? This is your chance to manage in the big leagues.
Aragorn: Let me get back to you. I got a guy on the other line asking about some white towers.
Major League

Bilbo to Frodo: I couldn’t be fonder of you if you were my own son. But, well, if you lose a son, its possible to get another. There’s only one ring.
The Maltese Falcon

Theoden: I’d rather die covered in blood than an old man lying in my own piss.
The Man In The Iron Mask

Sauron to Aragorn: Time out! I got something in my eye.
The Man Who Knew Too Little

Gandalf: Suppose we were to drop a fellow off a bridge in enemy territory, with papers on him saying we were going to invade Mordor, and his parachute didn’t open. The orcs would find him dead, and the papers, and `Aha,’ they’d say, `Look at this. Guy with secret papers, parachute didn’t open… they’re going to invade Mordor.’
Elrond: Do we tell the man who jumps that the parachute doesn’t work, or is it a sort of practical joke that he finds out on the way down?
Gandalf: Well, of course it would have to be somebody you didn’t mind much about.
Elrond: Are you volunteering?
The Man Who Never Was

Aragorn: We all get our jollies one way or another.
Lurtz: Mine has always been killing.
The Man With The Golden Gun

Boromir (dying): I think it’s time we reevaluated our lives.
Aragorn: I’ve reevaluated our lives; I got a 10, you got a 6.
Manhattan Murder Mystery

Haldir: You are with fellowship?
Gimli: Yes, I’m a dwarf. They lowered the height requirement.
Manhattan Murder Mystery

Aragorn to Lurtz: There’s nothing wrong with you that a little Prozac and a polo mallet can’t cure.
Manhattan Murder Mystery

Gandalf: Is it safe? …Is it safe?
Frodo: You’re talking to me?
Gandalf: Is is safe?
Frodo: What safe?
Gandalf: Is it safe?
Frodo: I don’t know what you mean. I can’t tell you something’s safe or not, unless I know specifically what you’re talking about.
Gandalf: Is it safe?
Frodo: Tell me what `it’ is first.
Gandalf: Is *it* safe?
Frodo: Yes, it’s safe, it’s very safe, so safe you wouldn’t believe it.
Gandalf: Is it safe?
Frodo: No, it’s not safe, it’s very dangerous, be careful.
Marathon Man

Legolas after shooting Nazgûl out of the sky: One thought he was invisible, and the other thought he could fly. They were both wrong.
Marked For Death

Gollum to Frodo: Look, I fight for what’s mine, I make no apologies. You can call me a ballbuster but that’s just the way I am.
Married To The Mob

Nazgûl at Amon Sul: Why can’t we work out our differences? Why can’t we work things out? Little people, why can’t we all just get along?
Mars Attacks!

Elrond: Though we adore men individually, we agree that as a group they’re rather stupid.
Mary Poppins

Arwen to Sam: What’s the matter, never seen anyone from the planet Vulcan before?

Balrog: I’ve never lost a fight!
Gandalf: Except to a crippled old man just now.
The Mask Of Zorro

Elrond: So what do you need? Besides a miracle.
Frodo: Guns. Lots of guns.
The Matrix

Boromir at Council: Big G… nobody has ever done this before.
Gandalf: I know. That’s why it’s going to work.
The Matrix

Frodo in Moria: Mr. Wizard! Get me the hell out of here!
The Matrix

Elrond: Men? Men are weak. The race of men is failing. The blood of Númenor is all but spent. It’s pride and dignity forgotten. It is because of men the ring survives. I’d like to share a revelation during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify their species. I realized that they’re not actually mammals. Every mammal in Middle Earth instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment but men do not. They move to an area and they multiply and multiply until every natural resource is consumed. The only way they can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism in Middle Earth that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. Men are a disease, a cancer of this Middle Earth. They are a plague, and we are the cure. I’m going to be honest with you. I hate this place, this zoo, this prison, this reality, whatever you want to call it. I can’t stand it any longer. It’s the smell, if there is such a thing. I feel saturated by it. I can taste Isildur’s stink. And every time I do I feel I have somehow been infected by it. It’s repulsive, isn’t it? I must get out of here. I must get free. When’s the next ferry to Valinor?
The Matrix

Aragorn: You told me never to get on the Moria freeway. You said it was suicide.
Gandalf: Then let us hope that I was wrong.
The Matrix Reloaded

Arwen: So, let’s get the obvious stuff out of the way.
Aragorn: You’re not human, are you?
Arwen: Well, it’s harder to get much more obvious than that.
The Matrix Reloaded

Gandalf to Frodo leaving the Shire: It seems that every time we meet, I have nothing but bad news. I’m sorry about that, I truly am. But for what it’s worth, you’ve made a believer out of me. Good luck, kiddo.
The Matrix Reloaded

Eowyn to WK: Touch me and that hand will never touch anything again.
The Matrix Reloaded

Aragorn to Lurtz: Hm, Upgrades.
The Matrix Reloaded

Original final line of ROTK – Sam: Where’s my pus… Hey kids!
The Matrix Reloaded

Elrond to Aragorn: Hope, it is the quintessential human delusion, simultaneously the source of your greatest strength, and your greatest weakness.
The Matrix Reloaded

Aragorn: Hiya, fellas.
Orc#1: It’s him.
Orc#2: The anomaly.
Orc#3: Do we proceed?
Orc#2: Yes…
Orc#1: …he is still…
Orc#3: …only human.
The Matrix Reloaded

Gandalf: See that eagle? You know what it means?
Pippin: No. What does it mean?
Gandalf: Nothing! But you didn’t know that did you?

Galadriel to Frodo re Boromir: From the moment I slapped eyes on this hombre, I smelled trouble. And re-fried beans.

Sam to Strider: Oh, so it’s the little people thing then? Just because I’m small you think you can push me around? Well come on, my friend, let’s boogie. I’m gonna give you a little lesson in `lower center of gravity’!
Me Myself And Irene

Sam: What are those for?
Gollum: Oh! It’s just this stupid thing. I have to take a pill every six hours or I feel… funny. No big deal
Sam: What’s it called?
Gollum: Advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage.
Me Myself And Irene

Bilbo to Gandalf: Don’t blow smoke up my ass, it will ruin my autopsy.
Meet Joe Black

Gandalf: You’re at the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong wizard!
Balrog: Are you threatening me?
Gandalf: Yeah, I certainly hope so.
Meet Joe Black

Lurtz to Aragorn: Ok, what am I doing? Oh, I’m chasing this guy. No…he’s chasing me.

Galadriel to Fellowship: You’ll dress only in attire specially sanctioned by ELF special services. You’ll conform to the identity we give you, eat where we tell you, live where we tell you. From now on you’ll have no identifying marks of any kind. You’ll not stand out in any way. Your entire image is crafted to leave no lasting memory with anyone you encounter. You’re a rumor, recognizable only as deja vu and dismissed just as quickly. You don’t exist; you were never even born. Anonymity is your name. Silence your native tongue. You’re no longer part of the System. You’re above the System. Over it. Beyond it. You’re them. You’re they. You are the Fellowship in Cloaks.
Men In Black

Aragorn: Put your projectile weapon on the ground.
Lurtz: You can have my bow when you pry it from my cold dead hands.
Aragorn: Your proposition is acceptable.
Men In Black

Legolas to Gimli in Moria: Why don’t ya go down to Bloomingdales and get some make-up, clothes, manicure, and a facial. Oh and you better hire a decorator to come in here, ’cause, damn.
Men In Black

Gandalf: Why the big secret? People are smart, they can handle it.
Elrond: A *person* is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it.
Men In Black

Legolas re cloaks: You know the difference between you and me? I make this look good.
Men In Black

Boromir on seeing Balrog: This has GOT to be a nine-point-oh on my weird-****-o-meter.
Men In Black

Gandalf after palantir incident: Did he say anything to you?
Pippin: Yeah, that the world is coming to an end.
Gandalf: Did he say when?
Men In Black

Gandalf: Can I just pull on your wings to see how they’re attached?
Balrog: Why don’t you pull on your pecker to see how it’s attached?

Legolas: GANDALF IS ALIVE, GANDALF IS ALIVE! OH, This whole forest is going to be full of romance, OOOH, I AM GOING TO PUT ON MY LIBERACE RECORDS!

Legolas to Gimli: You think I’m gorgeous… You want to kiss me… You want to hug me… You want to love me… You want to smooch me… You want to hug me.
Miss Congeniality

Haldir at Helm’s Deep: I am in a dress, I have gel in my hair, I haven’t slept all night, I’m starved, AND I’m armed! Don’t MESS with me!
Miss Congeniality

Frodo to Boromir: You’re just not man enough to wear jewelry.
Mission To Mars

Lurtz: I understand you’re very upset.
Aragorn: You’ve never *seen* me very upset.
Mission: Impossible

(The Hobbit Prolog): Gandalf: Good morning, Mr. Thorin. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, involves the recovery of a stolen item designated gold. You may select any twelve team members, but it is essential that the thirteenth member of your team be Bilbo Baggins. He is a civilian, and a highly capable professional thief. You have forty-eight hours to recruit Mr Baggins and meet me in Rivendell to receive your assignment. As always, should any member of your team be caught or killed, the half-elf will disavow all knowledge of your actions. And Mr. Thorin, the next time you go on holiday, please be good enough to let us know where you’re going. This message will self-destruct in five seconds.
Mission:Impossible 2

Aragorn to Legolas after Frodo leaves: We just rolled up a snowball and threw it into Hell. Now we’ll see if it has a chance.
Mission:Impossible 2

Gandalf (in Moria): It reads ‘Here may be found the last words of aaarrrggghhhh….’
Monty Python And The Holy Grail

Lurtz: ‘Tis but a scratch.
Aragorn: A scratch? Your arm’s off.
Lurtz: No it isn’t.
Aragorn: Well what’s that then?
Lurtz: I’ve had worse.
Monty Python And The Holy Grail

Part 2 and 3 in a separate post…


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