Middle-earth Local News Update #2 – Steve Irwin killed in Middle-earth lake! ‘Extreme Funerals- take off in Gondor!

by Sep 10, 2002Other News

Nazgul rendered unstoppable by new technology
Learning from their embarrassing defeat at Rivendell, the fearsome Ringwraiths or `Nazgul’ have apparently turned their efforts to research and development.
Having vanished from the international scene for some time, there are reports that they have been seen with bright yellow inflatable pouches tied to the upper arm. These personal flotation devices or `floaties’ apparently enable them to overcome their only weakness, running water.
As sightings of these terrifying black and yellow figures begin to come in from all across the lands, authorities have urged the public not to panic. If you find yourself cornered by one or more of the Nazgul, try to remain calm. Making no sudden moves, get out of the pool and indicate to them which is the shallow end.

`Extreme Funerals’ take off in Gondor.
Think you’re going to die soon? Why go quietly when you can kick off in style? That’s the feeling in the white city this season as `extreme funerals’ leave the old traditions for dead.
“Boromir son of Denethor has always been a leader of men” says Prince Imrahil. “In death he leaped the falls of the Anduin and rode the white water rapids to the sea and we thought hell, that sounds like the way to go”.
Funeral homes throughout the city have been inundated with requests for the new undertaking, from bungee coffins in the chasms of Moria to pall-bearers willing to walk to Mount Doom. “There’s so much room for creativity” Beregond of the tower guard informed enthusiastically. “I’ve designed a sled coffin so when I go, I can ski two thousand feet down Redhorn in the Misty Mountains and be buried by an avalanche for all time”.
“Everyone is doing it. I’ve even heard that Lord Denethor is planning to go out in a blaze of glory”.

Steve Irwin killed in Middle-earth lake.
Steve Irwin, better known as “the Crocodile Hunter” has been tragically killed while filming a documentary at a Middle-earth mountain lake.
Shooting the episode “watcher in the water” proved fatal for the animal lover, in events related by accompanying cameraman Bruce Morgan.
“The lake was still and smooth as glass” he said. “We were rolling. Steve was describing what the creature was supposed to look like, and just as he mentioned that its eyes were as big as melons this door opened in the middle of nowhere and this thing just lunged out of the lake. Steve was yanked up into the air but kept on talking. `By crikey, he’s a big fella’ he said, `and if he gets me into that mouth I’m in real trouble'”.
“What a pro. He must have wrestled that thing for a couple of minutes before it bit him in half and dragged him under”.
Efforts to recover the body are still continuing.

Announcing the new Remington Morgulshave. The first blade shaves incredibly close! The second even closer- and works its way inward toward the heart!

Orcs implement Sword Lighting System.
In days gone by, orcs cringed in terror from Elvish weapons that glowed in their presence. Not so with the new generation of magical-savvy orcs. Faced with a large collection after taking the underground city of Kazad-Dum, they have given them a new and creative use.
Begdak Hackslasher of Moria is among the enthusiasts. “It’s not only practical, it’s growing into quite a fashion craze” he says, mounting two ancient swords on the wall of his den. “You just walk through the house and each room lights up as you enter. It’s a rich orc’s dream”.

Armpit of Sauron applies for job transfer.
The infamous Armpit of Sauron, a powerful king who long ago fell under the spell of the dark lord, has apparently grown unhappy with his job and applied for a transfer.
“I could be the Mouth of Sauron” he was quoted as saying with undisguised jealousy. “This is humiliating, it has to be the worst job description anyone has. Even if I swapped places with the Pancreas of Sauron, or one of the Love Handles of Sauron it’d be better than this”.
Not everyone shares his view “He should put up or shut up” said the Buttocks of Sauron miserably.


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