Middle Earth Local News – Inside news coverage LIVE VIA PALANTIR!

by Aug 26, 2002Other News

With the release of Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers only a couple of months away, we thought we’d contact Steve Cavanagh, our man on the ground in Middle Earth, and get the lowdown on the latest events. Here’s what’s been going on:

International Palantir rates to rise.
The hourly charge on international Palantir calls is set to rise by as much as five percent, apparently owing to the large drop in demand over the last few hundred years.

“The few people that have them these days are going to pay” justified Sauron from the fortress of Barad-Dur. “And it’s definitely worth it. We’re totally committed to giving the customer a great deal more than they ask for when using a palantir”.

The rise has met stiff opposition. “What are we paying for? Palantirs just don’t get the area coverage they used to” says Beregond of the White Tower Guard. “I’ve seen Lord Denethor walking around the halls with a ball in his hands saying `Hello? Hello? I think I’m losing you… I’ll try again from the top of the tower'”.

Boromirs can’t just get along.
In a confrontation that some say was inevitable, Boromir, major figure of the Fellowship and heir to the stewardship of Gondor, has lashed out at his cinematic counterpart when the two characters stumbled across each other late today. The following dialogue was recorded by a passing eagle:

Book Boromir: “I knew I’d find you sooner or later, you pansy of an imposter. I mean, look at you. Everyone knows I have dark hair. What do you call that, strawberry blonde?”

Movie Boromir: “I’m tougher than you, old man. What did you do? Push some snow and kick a couple of wolves. Ooooo, scary. And then sat back while Sam handled the watcher in the water. I went in at all those tentacles and that great mouth and carved him up wholesale”.

Book Boromir: “‘Carved him up wholesale’? More trash talk to appeal to the kids, I suppose. And I guess your father is going to drop the tagline `Mind if I smoke?’. This is serious stuff, not a sitcom. You were weak from start to finish, like all that stammering when you picked up the ring”

Movie Boromir: “At least I got my hands on the ring. It’s further than you could get”.

Book Boromir: “Yes, and I apologized for it. While I was shot with many arrows. You call three `many’? That’s a light itch!”

Movie Boromir: “Hey, meathead. I had the foresight to see Aaragorn as king of Gondor”.

Book Boromir: “Isn’t he the man that you left with the Balrog while you ran away, and then blubbered to when Gandalf died?”

Movie Boromir: “Why, you-“
At this point the conversation was interrupted by the arrival of Battle Damage Boromir With Orc-Chopping Action, who was immediately set upon by the two warriors.

Narsil has been forged.
Narsil, the legendary sword used by Isildur to cut the One Ring from Sauron’s hand, has been forged and is in the hands of Isidur’s heir, Aaragorn of the Dunadan. “It’s been forged all right” said the ranger in disgust as he ran across the plains of Rohan with two companions. “Look at this- it’s a fake! It looks like a painted prop!”

Upon close investigation the forgery seems to have been made from wellywood and is unlikely to stand up to the rigors of prolonged combat. However word has been sent to Arwen Evenstar in Rivendell and she intends to bring the real sword to its owner at Helms Deep.

Ents hit with deforestation lawsuit.
Saruman the White of Orthanc has filed a lawsuit against the Ents, legendary shepherds of the trees, over their apparent removal of an entire forest in the course of one night.

This reporter managed to track down Treebeard, self styled spokesplant for the Ents, for a three hour interview at the edge of Fangorn forest. “Let me think,” said the Ent. Unfortunately our time was up.

Ent Draught- it’ll put leaves on your chest!

In today’s sports round-up, the Rohirrim Raiders rode roughshod over the Uruk-Hai Kidnappers 237 to 12. After gaining some good ground early on the Uruk-Hai appeared to move to a defensive game, and in spite of bringing in reserves for the second half they appeared to just fall in a heap by full time.

Snow over Carahadras appears to be clearing. Forecasters predict a front of darkness moving in from the northeast which should last through to the end of the third age.


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