*Elrond,Galadriel,Gandalf are in a meeting.Frodo,Sam,Merry,and Pippin are listening in.*
Elrond:What must we do with our three rings?
Galadriel:How about we look into my mirror?Then we shall see…Then we shall see…What will we see?
Gandalf:*pulls out a bag of weed and some pipes*This should work…Old Toby,the finest weed of all…It can even make a gay hobbit such as Frodo pass out.
*Frodo tries to stand up,but Sam is too busy sucking on Frodo’s toes*
Samne toe to rule them all…One toe to find them…
One toe to bring them all,and in the darkness bind them!
*Frodo speaks in a Gollum-like voice*:Sam…Shut up,fat hobbitses…It is not my toe which is the preciouses…It is yours!
*Sam gasps and begins sucking his own toes,but finds he only has one*
Sam:I’ve rationed it out,Mr.Frodo…we should have enough toe left.
Frodo:Enough left for what?
Sam:For-for the journey home,Mr.Frodo.
*Frodo says lovingly*Oh Sam…
*Sam stands up with his arms outstretched,but falls over because he has only one toe*
*Frodo turns around and sees Gandalf looking at him*
*Frodo says slowly*Gandalf?
*Frodo breaks into a grin*
*Gandalf knocks Frodo out of the way*Fool of a Took!
*Merry and Pippin are staring at the One Toe*
*sky turns dark,Sam starts to cry*
Gandalf:Let us risk a little more light…Behold,the Mines of Moria…*Gandalf falls over*
Merry:E’s had too much weed,this one.*Merry starts drinking a pint of toe jam*
Pippin:It comes in pints?I’m gettin one!
*Merry and Pippin start dancing happily,but Gandalf wakes up suddenly,looking weary and old,and says while leaning heavily on his staff*This beast is beyond any of you.Run!
*everyone stays,but Frodo punches Gandalf*
Merry:I have an annoucment to make!My name is now Perry,and Pippin is now Mippin!
*Gandalf looks shocked*
“Fool of a….Book?No no,it doesnt sound very good at all…”
*Gandalf begins to mutter something about Sam being a fat hobbitses*
*Frodo puts the One Toe in his mouth and is transported to large abandonded theater with SmackDown! Wrestling playing.*
Frodo:Whoo! Thank you, one toe!
*gasps as the World Heavyweight Champion, Batista, comes on the screen*
*Meanwhile, back at the ranch,(or in this case Rivendell) Gandalf and Elrond are discussing what to do about Frodo and the One Toe’s disappearence*
Gandalf:I don’t know how long they tortured him…but they got two words out of him,amid the gibberish… Wrestling…Batista!
Elrond:Arwen is dying.
Gandalf:Then have her put that stupid necklace back on! I thought it was supposed to give her immortality?
Elrond:No, it must be somewhere else for that…
Gandalf:Fly, you fools.
*Gollum clears throat and speaks in a normal, deep voice much like Bilbo’s* I’m going on a vacation…and I don’t intend to retrun.
*Gollum runs into Mount Groom and gets groomed*
Frodo:I wish the toe had never come to me…*Batista’s voice in his head*So do all who live to see such times…but that is not for them to decide.All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.
*Frodo smiles*I’m going to get more popcorn with my time, then…
*Sam appears on the screen in a bikini*I made a promise, Mr. Frodo,a promise! I don’t mean to leave you, Mr.Frodo…I don’t mean to.
Frodo:*slaps Sam*How could you cheat on me?Gollum was loyal to me!And so was Gandalf!Go home, Sam.Go home!
*Sam whines like a dog and runs off the screen to some gay wrestlers’ dressing room, and Frodo immediately begins to hear loud odd noises, grimaces*
Gandalf:now you must decide what to do with the time that is given to you.
Frodo:I’m ready, Gandalf.
*Gandalf smiles and walks to Frodo with his arms outstretched*
Frodo:I’m ready to go to the mall to get my dress.
*Gandalf looks slightly disappointed but teleports both of them to the mall. Frodo picks out a very revealing dress and tries it on. It fits him perfectly and Gandalf whistles.*
Gandalf:Are you ready, Frodo?
Frodo:Yes. Take care of Sam…he will not understand.
*Frodo begins to cry, but gets on the boat with Galadriel, Gandalf, and other elves. Boat starts moving; Frodo suddenly realizes he is standing on the One Toe. He screams and throws it into the Toe Jam Jar. They live happily for 5 minutes in the Gray Havens untill the One Toe farts and they die.*
A letter from J.R.R. Tolkien to illustrator Doris Sykes will be sold by Hermitage Fine Art Monaco for £15,000 ($25,0000).