A/N: This is a parody. It is not meant to offend anyone. But if you want to take it seriously, you go right ahead. Lanthiriel and I don’t own Middle Earth or its inhabitants, of course, but Krystelle Kreme is our own creation.
Legolas and Me (!), or, Every Fangirl’s Dream
One frighteningly bright and sunny day I was walking down the sidewalk. Then-
I was in Middle Earth. I turned around and saw an orc behind me! Eeerp! I screamed a beautifully piercing feminine scream. Then-
TWANG! SWISH! POP! THUD! OUCH!
There was an arrow sticking out of the orc’s nose. I looked around for the person who had fired the arrow – who could also be called an archer – and saw LEGOLAS!!!!
He is so hot, I thought, and swooned.
When I came to, Legolas was nowhere to be seen. Then I caught a glimpse of golden hair disappearing into the trees. I ran after, calling “Leggy! Leggy! Come back to me!” Unfortunately, I failed to notice the rather large branch that was about to collide with my head.
When I came to (again) someone was dabbing my brow. Could it be…..?
I opened my eyes. It was LEGOLAS! I was so incredibly stunned by his amazing gorgeousness that I could not speak.
“Are you all right?” he asked tenderly.
“I…I think so,” I answered, faintly. “Is this Mirkwood?” I stared up at him, not hearing his reply. His eyes were so….blue. His hair was so…shiny. He was so…perfect. I only realized that I had spoken my thought aloud when Legolas’s expression became positively melting. “I think I’m in love,” I finished.
“With who?” Legolas asked.
“You!” I exclaimed.
“Really?” he said. “That makes me feel really happy.”
We were gazing ardently into each other’s eyes when I asked, “Do you return my feelings??”
“Yes. Oh, yes, umm…what was your name again?”
“Krystelle Kreme,” I said, whipping out a box of doughnuts. “Wanna doughnut?”
Legolas jumped back. “Where did that come from?? And what are these do-nuts?”
“They’re, like, dough thing with a hole in the middle,” I said. “They can clog your arteries and stuff, but they’re really good. And I have no idea where they came from.”
Legolas looked confused, but then his incredible gorgeous features relaxed. “Any food that you like, I wll try, darling.”
He took a chocolate glazed donut with pick and green sprinkles. He carefully took a bite, smiled, and then choked violently.
“LEGGY!!” I screeched, pounding him on the back. “How do you like them?”
He finished coughing. “They’re fine. They’re just dandy,” He replied, without much much enthusiasm.
“I KNEW you’d like them” I replied in bubbly tones. “Have another!”
“Well….alright,” Legolas said, taking another donut. The next second I saw something brown flying through the air.
“WAS THAT MY DOUGHNUT??!!” I screamed.
“Your donut? No, no.” He patted me on the shoulder. “It must have been a squirrel.”
“Oh,” I said, relieved. “Gosh, I was worried for a second.” Suddenly, what he had said a few moments before sank into my brilliant brain. “You what?! Did you say – did you actually say – that ….that you love me??”
“Not in so many words, but – I do.”
“Aaaah!” I yelled. “This is wonderful! IT’s just like fan fiction! This is EVERY FANGIRL’S DREAM!!!” An awkward silence ensued.
“Should we kiss?” Legolas asked.
“Yes!!” I cried, throwing myself into his arms. We kissed. It was incredible. In fact, it inspired me to compose and sing this work of musical genius:
“Leggy, oh Leggy, your eyes are so blue,
Leggy, oh Leggy, to you I will be true,
Leggy, oh Leggy your hair is so gold,
I hope you will love me
Until we are old.”
Legolas frowned, puzzled. “But I’m an Elf,” he said. “Elves don’t get old.”
“Poetic license,” I said cheerily. “and besides, I will get old.”
“Oh, dear. That isn’t good,” he replied, worriedly.
“Don’t worry!” I bounced. “I’ll be reborn in Valinor and then we’ll live happily ever after!”
“Well, that’a relief,” he said, smiling broadly.
And we walked off into the gorgeous sunset. But the sunset wasn’t as gorgeous as my darling Leggy.