Interviewer (I): Hello and welcome to the double interviews with characters from J.R.R Tolkien’s famous Lord of the Rings and Peter Jackson’s films based on the books, which means we’ll be interviewing two characters every session. Today we’re interviewing…uh, just one character: a short, elderly hobbit with grey hair. What is he doing here? Very well, we might as well interview him since he’s here. Hello! I’m so glad you could be here. What’s your name?
Bilbo (B): I’m Bilbo Baggins. There’s no need to ask my any questions. I’ve got everything I want to say all sorted out. Here we go. Now it all started a long time ago, when in a hole in a ground there lived a hobbit, me of course!…
(8 hours later)
B: …and then I said thank goodness and handed him the tobacco jar! (looks around expectantly)
Everyone in the building: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!
B: Well, I’ve never been so insulted in my life. (gets up in a huff and leaves)
I: (opens an eye) Is he gone? Thank goodness! Now we can finally interview the two characters we were going to. We are really interviewing the king of Gondor and a Gondorian warrior. Hello! We’re so glad you could be here. What are your names?
Aragorn (A): I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, but I have many names, among them Strider, the Dunedain, Elessar, Elfstone…
Boromir (B): Stinky, Smelly, Dirty, and Generally Disgusting All the Way Around.
A: Quite so…HEY!!
B: (snigger) And I am Boromir, son of Denethor, and a fierce and brave warrior of Gondor.
I: I see. So, Aragorn, you are the present king of Gondor, but you weren’t always. Tell us, what did you do before you became king?
A: I was a ranger. But I was no mere ranger, I was The Ranger. It was I who tracked Gollum through bog and thicket better than any of my kind. It was I who took on an entire army of Uruk Hai and slew them single-handedly. It was I …
B: Who hid in the bushes and trees when your country needed you, because you were too much of a wuss to take responsibility.
A: Exactly! WHY YOU…!!!
I: Ok, you two, let’s keep this interview peaceful. Tell us, Aragorn, why didn’t want to take the throne of Gondor.
A: Well, you see it was very complicated. First, I was raised by these elves and so there was the matter of identity. I had to decide whether I was an elf or man. Then they told me that I was most definitely a man and that I was the rightful king of Gondor. I decided that I would like to roam around a bit and see the world before I settled down as king. (is glared at by Boromir, then quickly says) So, what it basically comes down to is I was scared out of my wits!
B: (laughing uproariously) BWA HA HA HA HA! I knew it, I knew it! Strider is a coward, Strider is a coward!
A: (grumpily) Oh, shut up!
I: So, what made you change your mind and decide to return to Minas Tirith?
A: Oh, it was a very powerful and uplifting experience. (Boromir rolls his eyes) No, seriously, I’ve got it all on tape. Here we go. (takes out a cassette and pops it into VCR. We see on screen a beautiful starry night and Aragorn standing alone in a field. A figure appears in the clouds)
Isildur: (appearing in clouds) Aragorn, you have forgotten me.
A: No, how could I?
Isildur: You have forgotten who you are and so forgotten me. Listen to me, Aragorn, you are more than what you have become. You must take your place in the line of kings.
A: How can I go back? I’m not who I should be.
Isildur: Remember who you are. You are my heir and the one true king of Gondor.
(the tape ends)
B: (snorts derisively) I’ve seen that exact same thing on a Disney cartoon.
A: Oh yeah! Well, I bet you’ve never seen THIS before on any old cartoon. Behold, Anduril, the Sword that Was Broken!!! (pulls out of his scabbard a hilt without a blade) Well, it appears to still be broken. (grins in embarrassment) Now, where did I put that darn sword…would you excuse me? (dashes out of the room)
B: Well, while that “king” finds his sword, you can interview me.
I: (somewhat flustered) Very well. Boromir, according to the film, your relationship to your father was somewhat better than that of your brother. Tell us in your own words, how did you get along with your brother and your father?
B: Well, my brother always was a whiny little bugger. He never could get enough. Even when he was little, he was always saying, “Can I have more peanut butter on my sandwich, huh, daddy? I don’t nearly had enough,” when his sandwich was already falling over from the amount of stuff on it. So it was only natural that when he grew up, he thought he wasn’t getting enough attention.
A: (in background) Hey, Elrond, you old Halfelven, what did you do with me sword Anduril?
B: He thought that he wanted to be sent off to war and become a war hero, when he didn’t understand the dangers.
A: (in background) Whaddaya mean you gave it to me? Of course you gave to me in the tent, you old buffoon, but after the coronation you took it back. Said it made a nice decoration in your Homely House. Whaddaya mean I hung it on my bedroom wall? Well, the same to you!
B: (slightly irritated) Anyway, I myself never got along well with Faramir and my dad often got very annoyed with him. In fact, he got so annoyed, he used him as an excuse to go mad and start burning the place up. I would’ve gotten up and stopped him, coma or no coma, but I was supposed to be dead, so I wasn’t in that scene.
A: (in background) Arwen, oh Arwen, can I come in? Oh well, I’m coming in anyway. Say, Arwen, have you seen my…what are you doing in here, Faramir? WHY YOU…YOU! AARRRGGGHHH!!!!
I: How did you feel about accepting Aragorn before your death?
B: Personally, I wanted to tear the script up into a million pieces. As if I would ever accept that Smelly-pants as the king of Gondor. As I always say, Gondor has no king and Gondor needs no king. But I do as I’m told. At least I got to kill a bunch of orcs before my death.
A: (storms by, grumbling to himself) Faramir in my bedroom…mumble, mumble…no sword on the wall…grumble (goes out another door)
B: See what I mean? Some king, eh? Can’t even keep track of his own wife.
I: So, how did you feel about betraying your fellowship and trying to take the Ring?
B: The Ring, you say? Do you have a ring? My precious, we wants it! Give it to us! (slobbers and grovels on the ground, then looks up and grins) HA! Got ya going there for a second, eh?
Everyone in room: (laughs nervously)
B: I was just kidding! No, it was a lot of fun scaring the spit out of Frodo. That’s the warrior’s way. If they don’t give you what you want, then you take it.
A: (in background) Hey, Merry and Pippin, great to see ya! How’s the old Ring-bearer? Still hanging in there, is he? Well, I’m looking for my sword, Anduril. Have you seen it? YOU ATE IT!! (gives blood-curdling yell, we hear hobbits scream as they flee) That does it. I’m gonna find the props for the Shards of Narsil and reforge the dumb thing myself… (stomps off)
B: (softly to himself) I hope that idiot is dethroned for not having his sword. (out loud) I was originally going to let the hobbits meet their end with the orcs, but I decided I would rather be the conquering hero. Besides, PJ would’ve had a fit if I had done otherwise.
I: Well, it’s been nice talking with you, but it’s been a long day. I wish I could’ve spoken more with Aragorn. But it’s time for us to end. Thank you again, Boromir. (shakes hands with Boromir, who is grinning with all the pride of Gondor). Good night, folks. Tune in again tomorrow, same time, same place, for another exclusive interview with two LOTR characters. Tomorrow we’re interviewing the big guy himself, the Eye of Sauron. Good bye!
(lights go out on screen. Approximately five minutes later, the door bursts open and Aragorn runs in, waving a might sword with lots of cracks in it).
A: Here it is! The mighty Anduril, the Sword That Has Been Hastily Re-glued! Where is everybody? Drat! (walks out dejectedly)