If The Lord of the Rings were directed by…
ANYONE IN HOLLYWOOD
Bilbo: Welcome, Frodo my lad!
Frodo: What’s everyone doing here? And who is that wizard with the dark skin and long white beard?
Bilbo: That’s.. your Neww Partnerrrr!
Faramir: What manner of people are you?
Frodo: We’re hobbits. We’re small and cute, and have hair on our feet. And everywhere else. And even though we’re short, a small group of us could take out all of Sauron’s army AND the Balrog with a couple of sticks. Couldn’t we, Sam?
Sam: Meesa, your masternessness?
Strider: Those f#@$@%ing wraiths stabbed @%&!ing Frodo with a $*@$#ing knife!
Merry: Yeah… and then they $#@%#$ing pack raped him.
Pippin: After taking the %#$#@ing skin off his @#$*ing face with a *!%#ing potato peeler.
Sam: And pouring acid on his $%#$ing genitals.
Gandalf: What will we do with the one ring? We cannot use it. We cannot throw it away.
Elrond: I’m sure if we all get naked and plunge into other-dimensional experiences by pushing the erotic envelope in search of social comment, something will come to me.
Frodo: I’m sorry, Elrond. I can’t do that.
Gandalf: Grima deceives you, King of Rohan. The armies of Mordor are strong, numerous, and come with a wide range of accessories, sold seperately. Even now they march on Action Playset fiv…uh, Helm’s Deep.
Frodo: We must leave for Rivendell at once!
Sam: Sorry mister Frodo, but the formula says that you have to ‘get the girl using three wacky friends to help you’. We’ve got those, let’s see.. (consults checklist) we need to get some more animals in here… who’s for a song?
ANY JAPANIME DIRECTOR
Sauron: How are gentlemen! All your base are belong to us.
Frodo: Your Wu tang is weak. I will kill your throat with many hurt.
Sauron: You are on the way to destruction. You have no chance to survive, make your time.
Frodo: Harr-yugen!! Har-yugen!! Sonic BOOM!!
Frodo: Gee, you look just like Boromir!
(man pulls open jerkin to show sucking chest wounds) I.. *AM*.. Boromir… BWAHAHA! (chop,