How to Make an Evil Ring — or, “Ruling the World for — Dummies.”
Expanded Talk-show style. [Note: this is expanded from the version in “How to Die in Middle-earth” so the first part may seem familiar.]
Host: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen, ghouls and goblins, evil-doers off all kinds — beginners and experts! Welcome to this mid-night’s episode of “Ruling the World — for Dummies.” Tonight we have a special guest all the way from Middle-earth! Let’s show our appreciation for . . . Sauron! Hello, Sauron. We’re told you have a rather, ah, *unique* way of taking over the world. Why don’t you tell us about it?
Sauron : Well, thanks, it’s an honor to be on the show. How did I try to take over the world? A few thousand years ago, I decided it was time for me to be in charge. It was easy, really; I just made “friends” with the elves, then betrayed them.
Host : Is it true you made a bracelet to do this with?
Sauron : No! Fool! I made a Ring of pure gold, like the lesser Rings of Power. But into this one, I poured my strength and evilness. [Sauron takes a puff on an enormous dynamite stick that says “Cigarettes kill” then throws it into the audience where it explodes. Laughter.] I love Disney, it’s almost as sadistic as I am! [Cheers.]
Host : Thank you for that wonderful demonstration of evilness. Do you mind telling us a little more about this Ring now?
Sauron : Not at all. It all started back at the top of Mount Doom . . . [The televisions behind the Host and Sauron switch from evil-looking faces to ariel pictures of said volcano. “Ooh’s” and “Aah’s” are heard from the audience.] Hey, Nazg?l #6 did a good job on those pictures . . . in an evil sort of way, of course.
Host : Yeah, nice special effects.
[The Nazg?l exchange high-fives, and #6 blushes.]
Sauron : In the fiery furnaces of that ferocious mountain of fury I wrought the Ring. In it, I inscribed the figures that you see before you. [Televisions switch to the One Ring inscription.] It reads: Ash nazg durbatul?k, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakutul?k, ash burzem-ishi krimpatul. In the common tongue, that means: “This is a really evil Ring, so bow down and obey me.” It’s not very poetic, but poetry is out-dated in the world of evil. [Audience members – especially the beginners – quickly scribble down this new information for future reference.]
Host : That sounds like a wonderful idea — whatever could have gone wrong?
Sauron : That’s exactly what I thought. Then this little *hobbit* came along and destroyed my Ring!
Host : Talk about a major set back! Is that hobbit here in the audience? Come up Mr. . . . ah . . . Baggins. [Frodo walks up onto the stage, looking a little nervous and clutching his right hand. Sauron glares at him.]
Frodo : Ah, hello, it’s an . . . *honor* to be on the show.
Host : Mr. Baggins, is it true that you are *not* evil?
Frodo : I am proud to stand on the light side and face evil as I may.
Host : So that would be a yes?
Frodo : It would.
[The crowd boos and begins to throw cherry tomatoes from Denethor’s plate. Frodo looks even more nervous.]
Sauron : Fiend of goodness, feel my wraith! [He pulls out another stick of dynamite. Frodo runs. Once he gets back stage, Sam can be heard asking him how it went. Frodo answers it was “Better than expected” and that “Gandalf will be proud.”] Now what shall I do with this Acme stick? [The crowd yells ‘Toss it after Frodo.’ He does, but Frodo escapes unharmed. The crowd boos.]
Host : Well, Sauron, I must admit, that was wonderfully evil! But still, it surprises me how such a small fellow could get past all your minions. How ever did it happen?
Sauron : He cheated. He actually refused to succumb to the evilness of my evil Ring!
[Gasps of ‘no!’ can be heard from the crowd.]
Host : Now, this is terrible! Do you have an advice for younger evil-does to prevent this kind of thing for happening in their universe?
Sauron : I certainly do. You can all become my new minions and work for me! Muahahaha!!!!!!!!!! Or, it works just as well to make all your enemies scream with pain because of your exclamation points – then you know exactly where they are!!!!!
Host : [covering his ears.] Wow, that certainly was effective. How did you come up with such a new idea – one that works so well?
Sauron : Well, to tell the truth, it was from fan fiction!
Host : Fan fiction?
Sauron : Yes – from truly Bad Fics. And when I say bad, I don’t mean ‘not well-written’, I mean actually evil! And almost all of them used lots of exclamation marks.
Host : Well, there you have it, ladies and gentlemen, straight from the source! If you have a little impudent creature (such as a hobbit) trying to destroy your power, use as many exclamation marks as you can! How profound!
Disembodied Voice : Hey, you stole that from me!
[They all look in the direction of the Voice.]
Host : Oh, good! Ladies and Gentlemen, as a special feature tonight, we have a second Dark Lord – one who will have the show to himself next week. Everyone give a big round of applause for . . . Lord Voldermort! Tell me, Voldermort, why do you think Sauron stole the idea of using exclamation marks from you? Come and speak right into the mike.
[Voldermort (the dark wizard lord from the Harry Potter series, who is basically evil) comes up to stand beside Sauron.]
Voldermort : I thought of the exclamation mark idea first!!!!
Sauron : Did not!
Voldermort : Did too!
Sauron : Did not!!
Voldermort : Did too!!
Host : And that, everyone, is an example of Childish Bickering. When done correctly, this style is more horrifying than any other! But Amateurs be warned: if this is not done by an Expert Evil, it is liable to merely sound stupid! Note, for example, the wonderful (and steady) way the argument between the two is escalating – especially in number of exclamation points.
Sauron : Right. And if we see any one of you beginners out there . . .
Voldermort : Beware.
Host : I thought rhyming was out of style! Sauron : It is – that just goes to show how long Voldermort’s been away from the world. And what kind of a threat is ‘Beware’?
Voldermort : [sulkily] I liked it.
Sauron : Well, that’s because you’re you. But you *could* have said something like: We’ll rip out your heart and feed it to a Balrog using your entrails as scarves!
Host : That’s disgusting! Good job, boys. But let’s try to keep this ‘Evil’ rating, or they’ll kick us off channel 13.
Sauron : Right. Mwahahahaha!!!!!!!!!
Voldermort : Hey, you’re using my idea again!
Sauron : Did not!
Voldermort : Did too!!
Sauron : Hey, this is my show time, get out of here.
[Voldermort look like he’s about to object, but then Sauron pulls out another cigar, and he leaves, looking saturnine.]
Host : Well, you sure know how to invoke fear!
Sauron : Yes, I learned it long ago. [The screens in the back flick to battle scenes with Sauron in Salad Shooter armor.] Now that outfit might look simple to you, but in battle, it’s made even scarier, and not at all laughable. [Audience members nod, noting this in their little black notebooks.] I had it remodeled in Vegas, after it was bombed in the year 4123.
Random Audience Member : But that’s in the future!
Sauron : [turning to the host] You see how easily the young ones are deceived? This job is even easier than the joke in Middle-earth! [Random Audience Member sits down looking ashamed. One of his minions pats him on the back.]
Host : Well, Sauron, how that we’ve covered some of the basics, let’s move on to your minions. I hear they were special in some way.
Sauron : Actually, yes they were – though I don’t call them minions. They were the orcs, evil men, and cave trolls. They were the wargs and the fleas, and all that is evil on my world (thanks you my former master and myself, that is.)
Host : Did you say . . . fleas?
Sauron : Of course! No good army is complete without some blood-suckers!
Host : The movie didn’t mention (or show) anything about fleas!
Sauron : Well, fleas don’t look very good on camara. [From somewhere in the audience, a small cluster of fleas begin to cry into a tiny microphone.] So, I’ve decided to show some. Put on the close-ups! [There is a close-up of the cluster of fleas. They are now cheerful. The audience gives a collected ‘ugh’ and begins to clap.
A Different Random Audience Member : Have you ever though about biologically enlarging the fleas?
Sauron : Yes, actually. But have you ever tried to kill a flea? At its present size, it’s almost impossible. But bigger . . . well, you try it and tell me. But don’t forget to copy write the idea; if you don’t, I’m evil enough to steal it! [A Different Random Audience Member runs out of the room, presumably to put his idea out in writing as soon as possible.]
Host : Well, we’re running out of time for today, so let’s finish up with this: what do you think the vilest thing you ever did was?
Sauron : [Thinks about this for a moment before smiling with foul teeth.] This. [The entire earth blows up.]
Host : [In a weak voice, from somewhere in the debris] Well, folks, that’s all the time we have for tonight. Come back next week for “If you look like a snake and you talk like a snake . . .” with Lord Voldermort. And remember: “To err is human, to make it blow up in their faces at the most embarrassing moments is our job.” Happy evilness!