Gandalf: Elrond, how exactly DID you happen to chose this insane selection of companions for the Fellowship!? Your little elven mind must be a bit warped!
[ Knocks Elrond over the head with staff.]
Elrond: Ow! You stupid old geezer! I’m tempted to sick Glorfindel on you for that one! Seriously, however, I took careful consideration in the matter of choosing the Fellowship. It’s not like I pulled their names randomly in a game of Lotto!
Gimli: What! Crap; I bought two-hundred gold pieces worth of tickets on that, too. Just my luck. Just let me get my hands on the con-man who came up with the trick!
[ Legolas looks up innocently and begins to whistle.]
Elrond: Ah-hem! As I was saying… I decided to use a more effective method of selection.
Elrond: I decided to match profiles and choose companions with compatible experiences, likes and dislikes, pay checks, and IQs as Frodo here.
Arwen: Yeah! Just like online dating, only for fellowship buddies! I came up with the idea!
[ Gandalf slaps his forehead.]
Aragorn: Well, that’s kinda cool… I think… *Wonders if Arwen has been cheating on him online* But how exactly did you happen to pick the nine of us? What in the world do we have in common?!?! Like, Pippin’s three foot four and eats eight meals a day for crying out loud! I’m six foot five and usually make do with only lunch and dinner!
Elrond: Tsk, tsk. You really should have three healthy meals a day, Aragorn. I thought we elves raised you better than that here.
[ Aragorn rolls eyes at lecture.]
Frodo: Elrond, to the point please. How DID you come to put us nine together?
Elrond: Well it’s quite simple really. You all connect one way or another.
All nine: We do?!
Elrond: Yes! But it takes a very sophisticated and genius mind like myself to put the puzzle in place.
Aragorn: Here we go…
Elrond: You see, let us begin with Frodo. Now, Frodo, is it not true that your alter-dimensional self is special friends with a dolphin in the far off kingdom of Florida named “Flipper”?
Frodo: Uh…. you kinda lost me, man.
Elrond: Of course you do. And is it not true that dolphins live in the sea?
Pippin: What’s a dolphin?
Boromir: Isn’t it some kind of fish or something?
Elrond: Mammal! It’s a mammal you Neanderthal! Anyway, to answer my question, YES it does live in the sea. And that brings us to the begin connections.
Arwen: Oh goody! This is my favorite part!
Elrond: You see, Frodo’s alter self is connected with the sea, and from there we can see that both Pippin, Merry, Boromir, and Legolas all directly link with him.
Pip., Mer., Bor., & Leg. : Huh?
Pippin: Hold on a sec. I think I see what he’s saying. My alter self was in some sea war between France and England, wherever they are. I was a bosun!
Legolas: A bow’s son?
Merry: No; a bosun. A guy who runs around and does ship stuff so everyone doesn’t drown like drunken rats.
Pippin: Yes, something like that, I suppose. And then weren’t you on some ocean island, Merry?
Merry: Why yes! I’d nearly forgotten. I was some survivor on a mysterious tropical island in the middle of an ocean.
Gimli: Gilligan’s Island?
Merry: No, at least I don’t think so. All we call it is “LOST”; there are some hot babes I’m stuck on the island with though. But I’m falling for the pregnant one, I think.
Aragorn: Man, that’s just not right.
Boromir: So how do I fit into this freaked out connection?
Elrond: Don’t you remember? You’re a Greek hero who sails across the Aegean sea to fight for the most beautiful woman in the world who’s been kidnapped. You’re name was Odysseus or something. Helen was the lady.
Boromir: Oh yeah, I remember now. That cheap whimp Paris snuck her off to Troy, the wussy brat.
Legolas: Oh, heh-heh, yeah. Paris…
Elrond: And you, Legolas, come in…
[Legolas bites lip hoping Elrond does not mention Paris]
Elrond: – You are some pirate guy.
Legolas: Really? *Thinks for a moment* Oh yeah! I was pretty cool, wasn’t I? I practiced three whole hours a day with swords.
Pippin: You need to get yourself a girl, mate.
Legolas: Please! The ladies love me to death already!
Aragorn: Then how come that Jack Sparrow/Johnny Depp dude was rated the hottest guy in the world instead?
Legolas: Good question… *goes into thought and consideration*
Gandalf: Anyway, Master Elrond! Might you continue?
Elrond: Of course! Well next we move on to Aragorn.
Elrond: Well, you rather connect to this sea thing too. You see, your alter self was some cowboy guy with a horse named Hottdogo.
Merry: Don’t you mean “Hildago”?
Elrond: Don’t correct me! I am thousands of years old and among the wisest on the planet! You think I would forget a name of a stupid half-breed Mustang?!
Aragorn: Mr., you can call me whatever you want, but don’t call my horse names.
[ Punches Elrond and knocks him down on the floor, unconscious.]
Boromir: You obviously have excellent relations with your future in-laws.
Aragorn: Well, yeah. There’s a few bugs to work out still.
Sam: So how are we supposed to figure this out now?
Arwen: I know! I know! It’s because Aragorn’s cowboy goes off to compete in the “Ocean of Fire”! Get it? “Ocean”, and all?
Gandalf: Elrond is such a birdbrain.
Arwen: And that was in a desert, then. So that’s how Gimli connects.
Arwen: Your alter self was some guy in Egypt or something with Indiana Jones in the desert looking for treasure, of course!
Gimli: Oh yes. I remember the monkey that died. Very bad dates.
Pippin: You dated a dead monkey?
Legolas: My pirate-self knew an evil cursed monkey! Isn’t that cool?
Merry: Bilbo says Gollum looks like a mutant monkey. Weird, huh?
Sam: Have you ever heard the band the “Monkeys”?
Gimli: …. Yes!
Pip., Leg., Mer., & Sam: Really?
Gandalf: But what about Sam? How does he fit?
Arwen: Oh, his alter-self’s dad was Gomez Adams. My father loves that show, so he thought Sam should go.
Aragorn: How does Gandalf fit in, sweetest wild-honey-cakes?
Gimli: What a lame epithet.
Legolas: You should read his poetry sometime: “Your so pretty, I sing a ditty. I send X’s and O’s down to the tip of my toes.”
Merry: How pathetic.
Aragorn: Shut up. Conjugating Quenya is not the easiest thing in the world, not to mention rhyming it too. It sounds much more romantic in Elvish.
Sam: Sure. You betcha.
Arwen: Ah-hem! I believe I was the center of attention! Aragorn, my snuggle-cooty-bear, Gandalf was a mutant.
All Fellowship: A what?!?
Arwen: Beats me! But is sounds cool, don’t you think?
Gandalf: Elbereth help us.
[Elrond comes to, and gets up sorely. He stares icily at Aragorn as he rubs his poor elven head.]
Elrond: Aragorn, you are a virus.
Arwen (aside to hobbits): They say Daddy’s alter-self was an evil computer agent in the Matrix that could only be destroyed by the One.
Frodo: The One Ring?
Merry: No, no! The One savior of the planet and hobbit, elf, dwarf, and mankind as we know it. He can even overcome death, they say.
Pippin: Hmm… I wonder….
[Pippin puts on sunglasses and leaps into Elrond. Elrond is disassembled and deleted.]
Sam: Pippin! What on Middle-earth?!
Aragorn: Cool. Can you do that to the rest of my in-laws?
Gandalf (shaking head): Hobbits really are amazing creatures. You can learn all there is to know about them in a week, yet after a hundred years they can still surprise you.
Bill the Pony: Sure, and I’m a talking horse!